SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
husband and I got a message while on vacation from difficult child 1 telling us to call him ASAP. When we called him, he told us that easy child/difficult child 3 was in the psychiatric hospital - We never in a zillion years saw this coming! difficult child 1 said easy child/difficult child 3 called him, told him where she was, asked him if he would come see her. He left work, picked up his girlfriend, drove for over six hours, and went to see her. He told us she wouldn't tell him what happened and he wasn't able to get much info from staff. difficult child 2 and his girlfriend spent the weekend at a friend's who lives near the psychiatric hospital. We were on a ship floating somewhere in the middle of the ocean, unable to make more then one call to difficult child 1 because that one call, that was no more then 10 minutes, cost us over $70! We communicated back and forth with difficult child 1 through email. Although difficult child 1 spent as much time with easy child/difficult child 3 as he could, she refused to talk about why she was there, wouldn't talk about anything personal.
Two days later, as soon as we were back on land, we called the psychiatric hospital. Since easy child/difficult child 3 is over 18 years old, would not give permission for us to get any information, we couldn't even find out if she had been discharged. We explained that we had no way of reaching her, she wasn't answering her cell phone but that didn't matter because she is legally an adult. However, after a few minutes, the nurse said she would have the social worker call us.
The social worker called us a couple minutes later and all she could tell us was that she thought easy child/difficult child 3 was suffering from a depression probably triggered by being away from home during her first year of college and from a recent break-up. She said that she was going to try to get easy child/difficult child 3 to give permission for us to talk to the psychiatrist. She also said that although easy child/difficult child 3 was probably being discharged the next day, they couldn't be certain that there wasn't anything else going on. easy child/difficult child 3 refused to let the psychiatrist talk to us. easy child/difficult child 3 phoned us, we asked the social worker if she would please have her call us, but wouldn't talk about anything except that she was never going to return to such a horrible place ever again. She told us not to worry, she was fine.
I told her I would buy her a plane ticket so she could spend the weekend with us. She refused. I also told her I would come see her. She refused that too. We spoke with her as much as she would talk to us but she still refused to tell us anything personal.
Then I got a phone call a few days later from her. She said she was in a rush but wanted to know if she could spend the summer living with us. (Originally she planned on renting an apartment with a friend. She also had several jobs lined up, one which offered paid training and a good salary once the training was completed.) I told her that of course she could live with us for the summer but we expect her to work while here. She's been going through money like water and needs to come up with some cash to supplement her student loans. I also told her that while I do not expect her to pay rent, pay for food, I do expect her to help out around the house by keeping the kitchen, bathroom, her room clean. I also said we expect her to be considerate of us by letting us know when she'll be home and whether or not she'll be having dinner with us. She said that these things were reasonable but then went on to ask a long list of questions. She said that if she didn't like answers, she wasn't coming back. Most of the things she wanted, or a better way of putting it, demanded, I didn't have to think about, they were fine. The things that weren't fine have been (hopefully) resolved.
Since that phone call, I have only spoken to her briefly. I asked her when she was planning on coming back, how she was getting here, what she was doing with her belongings, etc... Another time she phoned and when I said hello, she immediately asked for husband. When husband got on the phone, she asked him if he would do her taxes for her, she was having trouble. When he said he would do them, she thanked him, got immediately off the phone.
She is icy cold, on the verge of being nasty, even when she is trying to be pleasant. Just about every other sentence out of her mouth contains the "F" word or another equally inappropriate one. This is so out of character for her! She also has been drinking and by what little she's said, it sounds like she has probably been doing some drugs too. I'm very worried about her, especially because both of her brothers have mood disorders.
I know there is nothing I can do if she continues to refuse to talk to husband and I or go for counseling while here. I know I need to practice detachment more then ever but a part of me is just heartbroken... She will always be my "baby girl." I can't stop thinking about all the wonderful memories I have of her growing up, how much fun we had together, the long lazy days we spent at the beach, etc., etc., etc... I never ever, even in my wildest dreams, thought that she would become my most difficult child, especially at a time when I can no longer try to help her unless she allows it.
I also feel guilty. Guilty and angry at myself because during her junior year of high school I sensed something was wrong, sent her to counseling. The counseling wasn't doing much good, we weren't happy with the person she was seeing, she wasn't happy with her either, and we let her stop going. There were a zillion things going on at the time with the economy being as bad as it was, our decision to put our house on the market, our decision to put difficult child 2 into an apartment with supports in place, our out of state move, etc., but, still this is no excuse! I always did what had to be done for difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 no matter what else was happening. easy child/difficult child 3 honestly didn't seem that bad in comparison to her brothers... husband and I took the easy way out - We effectively buried our heads in the sand...
Just writing about this is making me cry. Here I am, saying so many times how I think I've finally learned to detach, and then this happens. Rationally I know what I need to do but putting it into practice is harder then I ever imagined it would be...
If you've made it this far, thanks for listening... SFR
Two days later, as soon as we were back on land, we called the psychiatric hospital. Since easy child/difficult child 3 is over 18 years old, would not give permission for us to get any information, we couldn't even find out if she had been discharged. We explained that we had no way of reaching her, she wasn't answering her cell phone but that didn't matter because she is legally an adult. However, after a few minutes, the nurse said she would have the social worker call us.
The social worker called us a couple minutes later and all she could tell us was that she thought easy child/difficult child 3 was suffering from a depression probably triggered by being away from home during her first year of college and from a recent break-up. She said that she was going to try to get easy child/difficult child 3 to give permission for us to talk to the psychiatrist. She also said that although easy child/difficult child 3 was probably being discharged the next day, they couldn't be certain that there wasn't anything else going on. easy child/difficult child 3 refused to let the psychiatrist talk to us. easy child/difficult child 3 phoned us, we asked the social worker if she would please have her call us, but wouldn't talk about anything except that she was never going to return to such a horrible place ever again. She told us not to worry, she was fine.
I told her I would buy her a plane ticket so she could spend the weekend with us. She refused. I also told her I would come see her. She refused that too. We spoke with her as much as she would talk to us but she still refused to tell us anything personal.
Then I got a phone call a few days later from her. She said she was in a rush but wanted to know if she could spend the summer living with us. (Originally she planned on renting an apartment with a friend. She also had several jobs lined up, one which offered paid training and a good salary once the training was completed.) I told her that of course she could live with us for the summer but we expect her to work while here. She's been going through money like water and needs to come up with some cash to supplement her student loans. I also told her that while I do not expect her to pay rent, pay for food, I do expect her to help out around the house by keeping the kitchen, bathroom, her room clean. I also said we expect her to be considerate of us by letting us know when she'll be home and whether or not she'll be having dinner with us. She said that these things were reasonable but then went on to ask a long list of questions. She said that if she didn't like answers, she wasn't coming back. Most of the things she wanted, or a better way of putting it, demanded, I didn't have to think about, they were fine. The things that weren't fine have been (hopefully) resolved.
Since that phone call, I have only spoken to her briefly. I asked her when she was planning on coming back, how she was getting here, what she was doing with her belongings, etc... Another time she phoned and when I said hello, she immediately asked for husband. When husband got on the phone, she asked him if he would do her taxes for her, she was having trouble. When he said he would do them, she thanked him, got immediately off the phone.
She is icy cold, on the verge of being nasty, even when she is trying to be pleasant. Just about every other sentence out of her mouth contains the "F" word or another equally inappropriate one. This is so out of character for her! She also has been drinking and by what little she's said, it sounds like she has probably been doing some drugs too. I'm very worried about her, especially because both of her brothers have mood disorders.
I know there is nothing I can do if she continues to refuse to talk to husband and I or go for counseling while here. I know I need to practice detachment more then ever but a part of me is just heartbroken... She will always be my "baby girl." I can't stop thinking about all the wonderful memories I have of her growing up, how much fun we had together, the long lazy days we spent at the beach, etc., etc., etc... I never ever, even in my wildest dreams, thought that she would become my most difficult child, especially at a time when I can no longer try to help her unless she allows it.
I also feel guilty. Guilty and angry at myself because during her junior year of high school I sensed something was wrong, sent her to counseling. The counseling wasn't doing much good, we weren't happy with the person she was seeing, she wasn't happy with her either, and we let her stop going. There were a zillion things going on at the time with the economy being as bad as it was, our decision to put our house on the market, our decision to put difficult child 2 into an apartment with supports in place, our out of state move, etc., but, still this is no excuse! I always did what had to be done for difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 no matter what else was happening. easy child/difficult child 3 honestly didn't seem that bad in comparison to her brothers... husband and I took the easy way out - We effectively buried our heads in the sand...
Just writing about this is making me cry. Here I am, saying so many times how I think I've finally learned to detach, and then this happens. Rationally I know what I need to do but putting it into practice is harder then I ever imagined it would be...
If you've made it this far, thanks for listening... SFR
