Jumper will never have a get together at ouro house...I'm angry and hurt

[Nancy]

Huh? I certainly am not calling you or anyone else a bad or unconcerned mother. I'm very sorry if you got that. I was sharing my experiences period. I have my feelings on this issue because of my difficult children background and my upbringing. There is obviously some history going on here I am not aware with of but please don't think just because I had a different view that I am calling anyone a bad mom. Those that know me know I would never do that.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

Hound, that was the point of my long drawn out post. Even if you and the other parents collectively are "present""supportive" and "in sync" raising teens.........some teens end up difficult child's and there is no way of stopping it or keeping it from continuing. There is no indication that Jumper is anything other than a easy child who loves her Mom. No reason to mix up the parenting methods now, in my humble opinion. DDD

 

[SuZir]

I agree with DDD. I think one of the most important thing in parenting easy child teen is keep the trust and keep communication as open and honest as possible. In my experience showing distrust to your kid only makes them more likely to hide things and not to trust. With PCs little benefit of doubt and leeway may help them trust you and come to you, when they are in trouble. Even the best teens end up in some trouble at times and make some stupid choices, it helps, if they dare to turn their parents (or other adults) for help in those situations.

We live in climate there major worry is that a kid drinks too much, passes out outside during the winter and will be dead in few short hours later due the coldness. At times we hear stories about teens who freeze to death to their own yards because they don't dare to go inside because they are drunk and then fall asleep to the snow. And our kids are not drinking any less than North American kids, maybe more, so the first concern is always that kids dare to call their parents or help otherwise if they, or their friends are in trouble. Even when they are in trouble because they are doing something they shouldn't be doing. Other things come only after that.

My easy child is a good kid, who is honest and open with us. Still pushing it too much would probably only end up with him pulling away and starting to sneak around, because I'm sure he does things he doesn't want me or his dad to know and us becoming too nosy would just mean that he would have to hide those things. Frankly, when he comes home by curfew and seems sober I don't really need to know, if he has drank one beer two hours earlier or if he has not drunk at all. I would prefer latter, but I don't want to harass or stalk him and spoil the openness and trust between us to be sure.

 

[Hound dog]

Well, I should've started out saying I hadn't read every single response....LOL But yes, you're right DDD.

in my opinion too, you've got to give your teens chances to make these hard decisions as well. Sure they may make the wrong ones or mess up.......but usually it teaches them something we as parents can't teach them. Some things a kid has to learn on their own. When I taught my kids about drinking, drugs and sex.....I also taught them that I couldn't make those decisions for them, and that is why I armed them with so much information......in hopes of helping them make the right decision in those moments.

Like with easy child with the alcohol poisoning. (and yes, that scared me clear to my marrow) When she'd ask me why I don't drink except rare occasions, I explained to her that I seem to have a natural ability to drink anyone under the table....it takes an enormous amount of alcohol to get me drunk and I never throw up, nor have I ever passed out. While teens might think that's a great asset, it's actually extremely dangerous.......because you can get alcohol poisoning rather easily. Throwing up is your body's way of saying it's had too much & it's trying to get rid of the alcohol. Despite all my warnings.....one night she just kept right on drinking because she could........and discovered the hard way she takes after her Mom........and it lead to alcohol poisoning. From that time on (once she was an adult and drank again)......she limits the amount she drinks carefully, she might get a buzz but she doesn't aim for drunk. Tough lesson learned. And because she learned it the hard way........Nichole has always been careful with alcohol and not pushed it too far.

And while they got a free pass to get home safely (because if the kid isn't alive, the entire point becomes moot), it didn't mean they didn't have consequences waiting on them the next morning. easy child lost her privilege for sleep overs due to the alcohol poisoning party......I couldn't stop her from drinking, but at least she would come home by curfew (which was 11:00pm) and I would know the condition she was in. Know what I mean?? And the parents that allowed the drinking? They were responsible people and checked on the kids regularly. The problem wasn't with them.....when easy child finally passed out and they couldn't wake her and her breathing was so shallow (and stopped a few times) they hid her in a bedroom and told the parents she'd went to bed instead of being honest and getting her to the ER because they were afraid of getting into trouble. Stupid decision by her friends, and they suffered the consequences because I told the parents.....who by the way were furious. There were no more parties at that house.

MWM, you've done a fabulous job with Jumper and you have a wonderful relationship with her. I've always thought so. If it ain't broke, don't "fix" it.

Hugs

 

[BusynMember]

I am sure that if kids want to they can have sex, take drugs, get drunk etc. whether I check in on them or not. I had one child who did it (however, there was no surprise...we knew what she was doing since she was twelve and we KNEW her friends were all bad news). I think that our incredible concern for this daughter (Julie, who is now 28) and trying thte best we knew how to stay involved with her and trying to get to k now her friends and their parents helped her make her decision at 19 to quit using drugs. I think kids care more when you show you care. I could be wrong, but it worked for me. I am very close to Julie now. She has never berated me for chasing after her on the streets at night or calling her friends or their parents. Not once. And we've talked about everything.

Jumper has been a good kid so far. She just turned sixteen. She just broke up with her boyfriend and, for their ages, it was a serious relationship. I know for a fact (thankfully) there was no sex and there could have been because we let them hang upstairs in her room and sex doesn't take such a long time to do. And it could be that I could drop by a party (and if you think I CARE if the parents talk about me or not, you have the wrong person)...there could be five kids sitting around the fire and two couples behind the tree doing drugs. HOWEVER...I think the odds are better if I check to make sure the parents are home...and that none of the k ids I see are drinking or hanging all over one another with the guy's hand down the girl's shirt. I don't expect to see anything like this. I expect Jumper to be doing exactly what she says she is going to do, but I've checked up on all of my other kids...why not her? Again, some parents here seem to care a lot more about it than Jumper does...lol. She even hands me her cell phone to read conversations. I trust her. It's the others I don't know if I trust because I don't know them.

And what ABOUT those parents? Thankfully, Jumper isn't friends with the girl whose mom thinks it's perfectly fine, even noble, to give kids beer at her house. Her reasoning is, "They're going to do it anyway so as long as they are, may as well drink here and at least not be on the road." Um...sorry, no. Not ALL kids are going to drink beer. Not even close. But they may feel pressured to do so if the PARENT who is hosting the sleepover is handing them out beer or other alcohol with her blessing. There are too many goofy parents out there and I want to know a little about the parents who are going to be in charge of my daughter. A good responsible parent would have no trouble with another one checking on the person's kid. At least, I can't imagine why she would (shrug).

I have never heard a parent complain about another parent for being too cautious, unless that parent never let the child do anything, which is not the case with Jumper. She is out almost every night. I *have* heard other parents talk very nastily about parents who never watch their kids or who seem to let their kids do whatever they want to do and don't even know w here they are. This has been MY experience. If some parents talk about me for dropping by to give Jumper a sweater (good idea!) or heck I like the idea of driving by without stopping too!!! (lol...thanks, guys) then I really don't care. I've never been too concerned with what other parents said about me..I'm sure some parents have said negative things in my lifetime. So what? I've said and thought negative things as well, especially about Mrs. smith who doesn't even know that Susie spent the night at our house because she was out on a date with her honey.

Anyhow, for those who care, I had the wrong day for the volleyball party. That is going to be tomorrow. These are most of the girls that Jumper hangs with since they are all girl jocks. Jumper is actually quite excited by all the stuff we bought for our back yard. She was more upbeat over Joe today too. She even told me about two other "nice" boys who are interested in her, however she laughed and said, "But why would I want to do that all over again so soon? I don't WANT a boyfriend!" Jumper....good thinking!

 

[Signorina]

Amen MWM

And -at the risk of getting flamed...not checking up on them EVER out of fear of damaging your relationship is unwise. We trust our kids - they know that - but we do verify. Trust but verify. Not always and not often - but often enough. And yes, I ended up with a difficult child anyway. Maybe our verification turned him into a difficult child. Maybe I was a helicopter mom. Maybe I broke the sacred trust. I don't know. Or maybe our verification kept him from becoming a difficult child while in hs and delayed it long enough for him to have a healthy HS experience and thrive while there. And at least he got that. I will never know. And I will ALWAYS wonder and be harder on myself than anyone else. So flame away if you must.

Maybe I am old school - but if the fear of getting caught is the very least reason that they stay "good" - so be it; I'll take it. I know that PC18 stopped hanging out with certain friends & stopped going to parties because they were drinking parties. And his girlfriend's dad is a HS coach, so he keeps his daughter on a short leash PLUS easy child won a prestigious HS sports award that he would LOSE if he had a single code violation while still in HS. I know his motives (in staying away from parties) weren't pure "just say no" moral based convictions - but he DID stay away and that's enough for me. Sometimes kids need an excuse like "my mom will kill me and she DOES check up on me" to deal with peer pressure. Worked for me when I was a teen.

I think most kids understand that parents check up because THEY CARE. And it's reassuring.

 

[svengandhi]

I commented early on but it appears that the discussion has morphed and unfolded into new areas.

MWM -

I am guilty of this and I don't know if you are but I want to share my thoughts in case they might be on point. My sister was a total difficult child as a child and as an adult, has borderline PD and I have no contact with her. My sister in law is a substance abuser and my father in law died of alcoholism related issues. It seems clear that my H's side of the family possesses the addiction gene, though it seems not to have expressed itself in H.

Whenever one of my kids, especially difficult child, does certain things, I get panic stricken that bad family traits, in his case, specifically my sister and her Borderline (BPD), are manifesting themselves and I get crazed. I want and need to do anything I can to prevent him from being anything like her and I know I can't. Many times, my attempted interventions and panics make things worse.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think that your situation with your older daughter is influencing your point of view with Jumper. Your older D was already doing drugs and whatever by the time she was the age Jumper is now. You have no reason to believe that Jumper is doing or planning on doing those things. I think that encouraging her to entertain at home is a good idea because it will alleviate some of your concerns. However, if she is reluctant to, it doesn't sound like it's because she wants to sneak off and do drugs. It's just that she's one of those kids who doesn't want to entertain at home.

When my D was in 8th grade, one of the moms invited all of her D's friends and parents over for a mid-summer BBQ. We got to know each other and share our thoughts. From then on, I was fine with whoever D told me she was with. That might be something you might want to do and perhaps that would make you more comfortable.

After they graduated HS, the kids hung out all summer. One night, daughter told me the other kids were planning a drinking and make out party. She said that she and one other friend were not attending but that they had told their friends they'd be available to drive them home. I was pleased with her good judgment. My guess is that Jumper would be more like my D and not her friends in a similar scenario.

I know this was rambling but the bottom line is, it sounds like Jumper has a good head on her shoulders and she has earned your trust. It's hard to let them go but we have to let them make choices and decisions, good and bad, so that they can continue to do so when we're not around to guide them.

I hope the party goes well tomorrow.

 

[BusynMember]

sven, hi, and I'm not offended at all. The fact is, Jumper and I have a better than average relationship...I'd say most parents are not as close to their kids as I am to Jumper and this is partly her own personality. She has made good choices so far. However, she does not have the attitude that parents shouldn't ever check up on their kids. She just isn't rebellious that way. If I want to check up on her, as long as she knows it's about the other kids and not her, she just rolls her eyes and says, "Whatever." I just tell her I do it because I care and she says she knows.

Jumper has just turned sixteen. She is not babied. In fact, she is always out doing something. Many of her friends are older than she is because she's been in varsity sports since freshman year. She's a busy girl. We sometimes make mom/daughter lunch dates to catch up.

She is vulnerable right now and I want to keep being a caring mom to my daughter and in my opinion it is caring to make sure they are in good hands. Just because your child CAN have sex, get drunk, or take drugs even if you try to watch them well, in my opinion doesn't mean you should stop showing them that you care by being involved and concerned (not overbearing, but just involved and concerned). I know Jumper feels loved. I'm sure that helps her as she travels down that bumpy road called adolescence

Thanks for all comments! The party is TONIGHT and we just had a giant shopping spree for food and soda!