Just a glimmer of good would have been nice...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by welcometowitsend, May 8, 2012.

  1. So difficult child spent most of the afternoon arguing with me over text yesterday. He wanted me to come and pick him up at his girlfriend's house - after he refused to come home the night before and was verbally disrespectful as well. Anyway, I gave him the option of walking (it's about 1.5 miles), riding his bike, taking the bus or getting a ride from her oh so wonderful parents. He spent 3 hours trying to get me to come and pick him up and he finally realized that I wasn't going to do it so he found his own way home. Not sure how he got home (probably got a ride) because husband and I weren't home.

    He told me that he would be home but not to expect him to be friendly. My response was "Well, if you can't be friendly then you can be grumpy in your room."

    When we got home we started a conversation with him about how he was disobedient, had broken the rules and was disrespectful - another broken rule. He needed to understand that he would be grounded because of this and that we'd be discussing it further in counselling on Wednesday.

    At this point he informed us that he wouldn't be accepting any consequences and that we needed to change our behaviour because we had begged him to come home and we hadn't changed. Much discussion later he'd called me an f'n "b" about 6 times and told us his girlfriend's parents were 10x the parents we were. He refused to take a break to cool off (which was another thing we'd agreed to before he came home) so husband and I went out in the hot tub for about 40 minutes. He absolutely refused to go to his room to cool off or get out of my hair.

    When we came back in I informed him that we required the following
    1) A proper apology for his disobedience and disrespect.
    2) Accept the consequences for breaking the rules.
    3) Follow the rules
    4) Go to counselling.
    If he wasn't willing to do those things then he could find another place to live - his choice.

    After much verbal abuse and fluster from him we said - you should write down everything that is bothering you and bring it to counselling on Wednesday - we'll discuss it there because this conversation is going nowhere. It was 1am at this point and husband and I had to be up at 5:30am. At that point difficult child informed us that we could "f off". So, husband said that was the last straw and he needed to grab a suitcase, pack his things and leave - he could go right then or first thing the next morning.

    He chose to leave last night - but informed us that his girlfriend's parents did not want him there anymore. Aha!! Maybe they do have some common sense. Apparently they had informed him that he could no longer live with them and he needed to come home and work it out - he could not go back to their place. Yeah for them!! So I offered to find him a youth shelter to go to (remember he is 16) - no, he didn't want my help. OK. He called girlfriend and they agreed to allow him to stay for one night only. So I suggested he visit his guidance counsellor at school today and figure out where he was going to stay tonight.

    I just got off the phone with his guidance counsellor who totally agreed with everything we did. He is going to call difficult child down to his office today (if difficult child shows up at school) and let him know what his options are for places to stay. I sure hope he explains that if he shows up at a homeless shelter with his brand new laptop, $400 guitar and cell phone that he likely won't be leaving with them the next day.

    difficult child also informed us last night that the only reason he came home was because he wanted us to pay his way. He knows that if he doesn't come home that we won't pay for him to go to college/university and he wants us to continue to buy him things also. Really!?

    I did have some hope that he had enough common sense and we'd raised him well enough to know how to work through this with us. Sigh...................
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry it feels so hopeless right now and that you are hurting.

    But I do have to say that how I read the situation, I think not all hope is lost at all. I could easily imagine my difficult child doing and saying the same two or three years ago. He was very immature and naive for his age (still is immature) and was also unfortunately rather spoiled and entitled. And when he screwed up big time and the reality hit him, he was very quick to take his head from his a** and start re-thinking.

    Reality has not yet hit your son. He has rebelled but been sheltered from the consequences of that. With the girlfriend's parents he probably had quite a similar lifestyle he had at home. Now those consequences will be in front of him. He will be out of the easy options and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he would found his way back to home in speedy manner after few nights or weeks in teen shelter. Those places may sound attractive for rebellious teens who think their parents are totally unreasonable. Reality changes their minds usually very quickly and home starts to sound very comfy option. Also his possible plans to have a flat with his difficult child friends and live there certainly sound cool to him. But reality of supporting himself with working, having to take care all the house work and other matters etc. are totally different thing than that cool dream he is having.

    I also see it as a good sign he want to go to college and uni and have you still buy him those nice things. Very entitled and naive and rude, but hey, in the end it is something also you probably do want. You just would like him to have a better attitude about it. And at times having a heavy crash with reality is the best attitude adjuster there is for the entitled kid.

    It really hoovers right now, but don't loose all hope yet. Just stay tough. And be willing to forgive and give a new chance (on your rules) if he comes crawling back home.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Sounds like you and husband stood together and presented a united front to difficult child. I think that you handled the whole thing very well. Will the school call you if he doesn't show up to school? If the GC talke to him will he call you and tell you what difficult child said?

    I'm glad to hear the the girlfriend's parents told him that he had to leave. And the crack about her parents being better parents than you and husband? To kids his age other peoples' parents are ALWAYS better than your own. The grass is always greener, right?

    Personally, I think it's a hoot that he says he will live there so that you will pay for things. My difficult child is like that, too. He expects the world to be laid at his feet, but won't do what he needs to do in order to earn what he wants.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Wow! You and your husband handled yourselves really well! (LOVE that you went out to the hot tub for a while!)

    Good for you!
  5. Thank you for your replies everyone. I guess I don't feel like all hope is lost, I just was hoping he'd 'gotten it' and he hasn't.

    One thing he said was that the nursing home that hired him to work in the kitchen had done a police check on him and that they'd found out about the domestic violence call in April. He must have signed a waiver for a vulnerable sector screening. The thing is it doesn't really make sense. I called the police station and my understanding is that they would have a record of the call in their files for 5 years but that nothing would show up on a vulnerable sector screening unless he'd been fingerprinted, which he hasn't been. The person I spoke to said that any negative encounter with police is kept on record for 5 years but I think that is just for police.

    The woman I spoke to at the police station said that she looked up difficult child's name in their computer and couldn't find anything at all on him. She thinks someone is lying to him.

    His girlfriend's mother got him this job and she is head nurse at the home. The assistant manager is the one who hired him and they work side by side. I have a feeling she told him about what's been going on with our family and may have mentioned the police call to him and he said he couldn't hire difficult child if he knew that. That is one theory. The other possibility is that she has discovered difficult child intends to get his own place with a couple of friends and maybe she is worried that her daughter might move in with difficult child or start spending too much time with him. Quite frankly, if my daughter was dating a guy like my difficult child I would be worried about her.

    So, I am going to give difficult child the information and he will need to pursue it. If there IS something on his file then he has to write a letter to the chief of police explaining the situation, ask for an individual review and request that it be removed or it will stay there until he is 21. It doesn't disappear at 18 like the young offenders act stuff does.

    He stayed at girlfriend's again last night so I am assuming they are allowing him to stay there again because the poor soul has nowhere else to go - well, except here if he follows the rules.

    Anyway, we have our counselling session tonight - it'll be interesting to see how that goes. Wonder if he'll try to bring girlfriend. That isn't gonna fly.
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    Have you ever reached out and talked to girlfriend's parents? I'm just getting the feeling it's time you did. Not attacking them or anything, but just "to let them know" what's going on. They've already sent him back, so the do have their limits but are now taking him in again? I just can't help but think that difficult child may be escalating his manipulation of them. You know increasing the severity of his lies. A manipulator's power is unlimited when the parties he/she is manipulating don't communicate at all. If they choose not to believe you, it's not your job to convince them, but I think opening the door to rational conversations with them may be a proactive step.

    Lightbulb moment. You can "test the waters" by mentioning to difficult child that you were thinking of giving them a call. See if they need anything for him. If he attempts to talk you out of that idea, there's your answer.
  7. Keista - Thank you. We have talked to girlfriend's parents a few times. Mostly to the dad, not the mom. I think it may be time to sit down with them and have another talk about what is going on here.

    I'm pretty sure they don't know that their daughter is having sex with my difficult child son. At least difficult child says they 'trust' her - which is a joke because I called him out on the sex thing and told him I knew they were having sex and he didn't outright admit it but he didn't deny it either. He meets all her criteria for someone he'd have sex with - he loves her, he thinks he wants to be with her the rest of his life, etc.. And I know she wasn't a virgin because he told me that months ago - so she's already opened that door, so to speak.

    Interesting that you say to mention to difficult child that I'm going to call them because I asked to speak to them the other night and he wouldn't let me (the night he refused to come home and slept over at her place). He told me they agreed with him and that they thought I was being unreasonable - I bet they didn't even know he wasn't allowed to stay overnight.

    We have our counselling appointment tonight - I will call the dad tomorrow - I have his work number and ask him if he is aware of what has been going on and see if difficult child is telling him stories. I do think that difficult child has him pretty convinced that he's been abused. The dad said to me one time that difficult child seemed to be sad and reclusive and withdrawn - that was some good acting right there because difficult child is not like that at all - he is very outgoing, charming and generally pretty happy when he's not angry.

    It will also give me an idea of how long they are planning to let him stay this time. Thanks for that idea!
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Or could it be like it was with the girlfriend parent comments (they are so great, they think you guys are awful parents etc... I still think he is lying about that and he is just saying it to get to you)....

    Maybe this is something he told you they said but really he just lost the job????? A convenient excuse not to work??? I dont know the whole situation so could be totally off base but it was a thought that hit me when I was reading that.

    I am so sorry he is acting like this. What could be going on that he thinks like that? Even if kids have been given nice things and priveleges, most do not bully their parents like that, do they? I dont have experience with more typically developing kids so I have no clue..... I really hope the counselor can give him a clue and he does have to face some consequences over this. You both sound like you did a great job of sticking together and he is lucky to have parents who hang in there as much as you do!