Just a rant....a long rant

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by AllStressedOut, Jul 27, 2007.

  1. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    Just found out tonight that I was wrong about difficult children medications and them being medication free. husband has been giving them their medications early in the AM before leaving for work so it kicks in before I deal with them by myself. Sooo...Zoloft is now on the lowest dosage for each difficult child right now. I thought it was done because their weekly pill containers were empty, but when I realized the date we started wheaning them, I asked husband. He said he didn't realize I thought they were off their medications until I said it at the new docs office yesterday. They are off their sleep medications and they are also off foclin already, so now we just have another week-week and half of Zoloft and they'll be medication free. We hope to meet the new pyschiatrist next week and maybe he can suggest something different.

    Right now no night time medications is whats most noticable. Really the rozerum wasn't doing anything anyways. A month of no rest for both them and us is making everyone irritable.

    The last two days at our house have just stunk. I keep telling husband I feel like the wicked step mom in all the Disney movies. He thinks its okay that I'm always annoyed and I feel guilty for being annoyed.

    What if this new doctor does think difficult children have asperghers? They have some serious disability and we're punishing them for things they can't help? Then I think, what if they get this diagnosis and use it as a crutch to behave badly?

    Spending time outside was wearing them out, but the neighbors are being extremely nosey about it all and I swear they think we're being abusive. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Although the difficult children are playing on it too and having meltdowns outside after 10 minutes, they cry and say they're very tired, all the while knowing a neighbor is listening. Today I just gave up on outside time and had them come in and sit with me. This constant supervision is so stressful. Between the stealing, sneaking and hitting of all 3 difficult children and my youngest difficult children most recent allergic reactions to off limit foods, I don't know what else to do. If they aren't supervised all the time, they just get in more trouble or end up swollen like a pumpkin from whatever my youngest has become allergic to.

    I'm going to take a break tomorrow and take my daughter to see Go Diego Go Live. Not my cup of tea, but it at least gets me out of the house for a few hours and some quality time with her.

    I wish I could take a week or two off. I think I'd come back so refreshed. Then I think I need to get a job, so I'm not at home. But in a year the oldest difficult child will be too old for daycare, besides daycare for 5 kids would be more than what I could make. I can't leave difficult child at home even with older easy child, because they fight like cats and dogs and difficult child would just get into more trouble. I feel stuck.

    I worry about DHs and my relationship because hes so stressed and I'm so stressed. I don't think we'd ever divorce, but I don't want to become his roommate or buddy and not have the connection as husband and wife. Lately though we're both too tired, too stressed or too bummed to spend any time together that doesn't include a vent session about the kids.

    Okay, I'm done with my book and pitty party. Thanks so anyone who made it through!
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I think it was Maya Angelo that said: We did the best with what we knew; and when we knew more, we did better.

    That's all we can do.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I agree with Heather. You are doing the best you knew.
    Also AS isn't an excuse for bad behavior but you do have to look at how they perceive things. Once you read up on the topic you will have a better idea of how they think.
    It's a developmental delay. I call it a brain wrinkle. Normal input and learning that most kids absorb in their daily life doesn't all connect with our AS kids. They miss a lot of the social cues and facial cues.

    Don't despair. You don't have a diagnosis yet. Take a breath.

    You are a smart woman. Come up with ways to ease this time. I say separate and conquor. Break the kids up in groups of 2. husband takes 2, you take 2 and gramps or baby sitter take 2. Trying to correct and corral 6 kids is almost impossible if 2 or 3 are difficult children. Rotate every evening or every day. Do something fun but keep the time limit to 2 hrs or less.

    I can't tell you how important date night was for husband and I. Sometimes we just wandered around WalMart and talked or went out for ice cream. Anything to take us out of the pressure cooker. Keep the realationship healthy. Being a good partner to each other is as important as being a good parent.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Does your state provide respite care? It was recommended that we go to our Department of Developmental Disabilities and apply for respite. We haven't done it yet as we don't have the results for the neuropsychologist, but we also felt that people that don't have any type of fall-back needed the services more than we would (why clutter up the list?). They said it could take up to a year, so why don't you get on the list (if your state has it) now - as we know (via Christmas bills that you still pay through October! :hammer:) a year goes by pretty quickly.

    Wish I was closer so I could escape mine to help you out with yours!

  5. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    Thanks ya'll, I can't tell you how much it helps to just be heard. Somedays it seems like the tunnel not only has no light at the end, but as soon as I start walking through, the other side gets blocked too.

    I spent this mornign at Go Diego Go Live with my daughter and was invited to the movies with some friends later. At least my weekends get me away, now if I could just come up with a way to spend some alone out of house time with husband.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You have more patience than me.

    I can't handle 3 minutes of that show on TV, and you went to the live show. Diego and Dora's voices are like needles going through my eyes.

    I would rather sit through Teletubbies.

    Just one of my "things"!
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My husband and I had a combo of six who were 12 to 16 when we married.
    Only GFGmom was certifiably a difficult child but five easy child teens added to her
    made for constant responsibility. If you have any short term
    sitter available, I'd suggest aiming for two hours. If easy child can
    take little easy child for a couple of hours, you then have to find three
    places to safely "dump" the three difficult child's. (Don't you just love how warm and fuzzy I sound?????? LOL) Overpay sitters if you must. Do not combine difficult children on anyone as it will make them refuse
    you next time. Eat PB&J for a week if you have to.


    Surprise your husband with a request for a date. I used to write a
    note "Would you be free, husband, Wednesday from 2 to 4 for a date with your loving wife?" Then psychiatric yourself up and try to
    plan what you want to pack (wine? treats? new perfume?) long in
    advance so you don't forget anything. On Wednesday call your husband
    and say "I'm at the Hilton (or Motel 6..lol) in Room zzz waiting
    for our date."

    Two hours will give you enough time to connect, have some great
    memories...and start to plan your next date for next month. DDD
    It helped us when the tension got to be too much. Good luck.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh Boy! I am so sorry it is so tough right now! I think you will feel SO much better when you get a diagnosis and the right medications. You will be shocked, I think, at the difference it makes when you have a true understanding of the nature of your child's illness. I think you will know at that time if the discipline you are using is helpful or appropriate, but now it is just a shot in the dark.

    How about taking the family to the pool for the afternoon - that always wears my kiddo out - and I do not even have to say anything other than - go swim! Or, also nature hikes...........sometimes I will still take my difficult child hiking, and go on a trail that I know is long - and midway thru he is exhausted, but what can you do? He can't turn back.

    Also, for sleep have you tried Benadry? It was a miracle substitute for a sleep aide for us, until we got difficult children medications correct. You can get it dye free, so as not to cause any allergies to rear their ugly heads.

    Hang in there - it will get better. You just happen to be in the worst of it right now - once you have more of a map, then you will feel better about things.
  9. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    Go Diego Go Live was actually actors, so their voices were normal. It wasn't bad, it was actually pleasant. More so than the actual tv shows for sure.

    I'm not the bio mom of my difficult children, her rights have been terminated. I will be adopting them as soon as we are 100% positive the termination/appeal is over with. We have had our share of her craziness and are definately looking forward to a life without it for awhile. Places to dump difficult children hmmm, that is something I'll have to research. Most opt to watch PCs anytime, difficult children are a completely different story.

    I'd love to be able to take them to the pool and say go swim. Unfortunately my 2 youngest have to be within arms reach, pools rules. My middle difficult child usually does fine. My oldest difficult child is a completely different story. He could get himself into trouble in a round room with padded walls. He has no idea what personal space is, does not pick up on any social cues (body language or facial) and will become agressive or loud if someone upsets him. He annoys others easily, so public activities without extreme close supervision is extremely difficult and more stressful than staying at home.

    Benadryl huh? Anyone know if CPS frowns on this? I am just so worried our neighbors are going to call on us for having the kids in the back yard to wear off energy. I don't want to make it worse by giving them medications to get them to sleep. I guess the reason I worry is because my 3 difficult children don't like sweat, so being outside for longer than it takes to get from the back door to the van is something they are willing to throw tantrums over. Its the tantrums in the backyard that I'm worried about.
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh, I would think Benadryl would be a no brainer that CPS could care less about. (in my opinion) The vet even tells me to give it my dogs when they are itchy. Puts them right to sleep in addition to quelling their allergies. It is just a pretty benign medication. My psychiatrist told me to give it to difficult child whenever he had sleep issues, because it has virtually no side effects or other medication interactions. Of course this is all my personal experience.....but in my opinion it would be worth a try.

    I understand about swimming..........it must be hard for all 6 of them to be supervised.
  11. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Some kids have paradoxical reactions to Benadryl. It makes them hyper instead of sleepy. You need to test it out on a night when it doesn't matter if they need their sleep (for example, on a weekend).
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    I was wondering if a short note to all your neighbors about difficult children outside time would help ease your worries. Or, you could call CPS and explain what the difficult children are doing (putting on a show for the neighbors) so when the neighbors do call CPS already knows what is going on. Invite them to come watch the difficult child-is-so-hurt-show for a night.
  13. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    OTC sleep medications like Advil PM or Tylenol PM are just the Advil or Tylenol with benadryl, according to my psychiatrist, so I wouldn't think it would be an issue. But, as smallworld suggests, try it out on a night when it doesn't matter how they react to it.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    With the kids possibly using a diagnosis as an excuse - it's never happened in our house. For us, the diagnosis was a reason, never an excuse.

    However - you are right in that we shouldn't punish the kids for what they can't control. If they really can't control certain actions, WE have to do t he controlling for them. And these are kids who LIKE to have their own control where possible. So they will cooperate in terms of not making it worse if they can help it, because learning to do better gives them back more control.

    Example - I wouldn't go out in the afternoon/evening for years, so I could be home to referee. The medications would be worn off, the kids also had the fallout of a long, tiring day to deal with, they were tired, hungry and needing to be moved through the evening routine - no way would I leave them with a sitter. Even now if I go out in the evening and leave the kids with husband, there's a higher chance of things going wrong. However, we're bearing fruit overall as the routine has done its job and it's easier to keep them moving. I've even left difficult child 3 on his own sometimes. At first I left him for an hour in the middle of the day. Then longer. Each time he's been extra careful to follow the rules. And each time there is a success, he and I get more confidence in his abilities to hold it together independently for a little bit longer.

    Our kids have learnt to value themselves as they are, disability and all. The disability brings gifts also, which they are taught to value. For example, a kid with ADHD may have trouble settling to a task, but they also eventually learn to block out distractions and narrow their focus down so intensely that you can't distract them. difficult child 1 once said, "When I concentrate that hard, the silence in my head is deafening."
    Their ability to problem-solve can be remarkable. They can make intuitive leaps which can cut through to the nub of a problem. Of course, untutored that same intuitive leap is also called impulsivity, but it has its advantages. Without people acting on impulse we wouldn't have people jumping in to rescue others.

    A man was pushed onto train tracks in Sydney a few months ago. A train was coming and the louts on the platform wouldn't let the fallen man back up. Someone acting on impulse ran forward through the thugs, grabbed the man by the hand and hauled him up to safety. It startled the gang members long enough for them to not try it again on BOTH men - perhaps they'd wanted to scare their victim and really didn't care if he got hurt; but they weren't going to risk pushing him off again with the crowd that had gathered. by the way, they DID get caught and have been charged with attempted murder.
    But I strongly suspect the rescuer had impulse control issues as a child.

    Something else in my kids - they have the capacity to remember chunks of information, often quotes from various sources. And they use them to great effect. When difficult child 3 was being hassled by a bully, he just called to the kid over his shoulder, "I'm a bit busy right now, can I come back and ignore you later?"
    difficult child 3 had got that line from a computer game, but he was able to remember it and use it appropriately in a social situation. It's not only having the information store in the brain, but having the quick retrieval ability, which DOES connect with impulse control. In this case, the impulse was happening randomly through the brain at lightning fast pace, until it snagged on passing remembered phrase, grabbed it and used it.

    Sometimes they say stuff they shouldn't. I don't get angry because it's impulse control, but I DO correct and when they realise, they generally apologise without me having to ask them to.

    And an apology given freely, unprompted, is the best value apology of all.