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just a thought...am i crazy for feeling sorry for
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 112482" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>You know - When I read your post "Am i crazy?" I nearly split into two people. One part of me wants to go "Uh huh - that's just not a healthy attitude." and the other part of me is going "Yeah but you used to be just like that before I got myself therapy and stuck with it for years." </p><p></p><p>Right now I bet you think - </p><p>Oh If someone would have just taken him as a child and got him some help, if his parents wouldn't have done this or that, if they had loved him more, spanked and beat him less - and on and on - he'd be different! </p><p></p><p>But you know what? He is, what he is. LOTS AND LOTS of people have grown up in more horrible conditions that he has - and risen above it. Found a way to live a decent life. Be a good person. We all have choices. </p><p></p><p>The toughest therapy sessions I endured (fought against and disagreed with) were that my son could change if he wanted to. Because....we got him help. Because he didn't have an upbringing like his biomoron. Because he was smarter.....and you know what? Eleven years of therapy, Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, elimination diets, 64 medications, hospitals, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, countless books, systems, charts, begging, pleading, crying - praying - </p><p></p><p>He's still who he is - and he will be who he is going to be. </p><p></p><p>You think - if your x had been "given" a chance to be different that he would have.I'm telling you it's possible, but doubtful. What I have spent a lot of years learning is that we are who we want to be. If he wanted to change - he would seek out resources to facilitate it. But he's comfortable being who he is. Right or wrong. Environment is part of life - genetics is another. And it may have made a difference for him to have the things you wished for him - but I look at my son and think - IF that were so - he'd be changed now. Changing isn't easy - but the person has to want to change - and then DO something about it themselves. </p><p></p><p>What I do know - is that HAD I NOT gotten myself therapy and gotten my difficult child into therapy and done all that I have? YOU wouldn't want to know the person he would have become. I'm his Mom and I wouldn't have. And because of therapy for me? I'm a better person, I made better decisions in my life, I'm a better parent - BECAUSE I CAN SAY NO WITHOUT GUILT - All the love in the world hasn't changed my son tremendously. </p><p></p><p> I don't feel sorry FOR my son - I DO feel sorry FOR the situations that caused him to think he needs to continue being like he is. I do not feel sorry for my x any longer. I don't pity his life, I don't wish him well, I do hope he finds God - I just don't really have too much of a thought where he is concerned other than - he hurt us, and almost killed us, and it left a lot of scars. You did a brave thing in leaving. Do a braver thing and either get or stay in therapy for yourself. </p><p></p><p>Appreciate your x for who he is - because it's who he wants to be. People that aren't happy with themselves - make changes. To say that he didn't have those chances may be true, but to say he doesn't have those chances now is to believe he's not a very smart person. He's smart - he just chooses not to be the person that YOU think he should be. </p><p></p><p>It's nothing against you - it's just who he is. Now that you're apart - YOU go have a life - YOU go live your dreams - YOU enjoy your children. You have a lot to live for - </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 112482, member: 4964"] You know - When I read your post "Am i crazy?" I nearly split into two people. One part of me wants to go "Uh huh - that's just not a healthy attitude." and the other part of me is going "Yeah but you used to be just like that before I got myself therapy and stuck with it for years." Right now I bet you think - Oh If someone would have just taken him as a child and got him some help, if his parents wouldn't have done this or that, if they had loved him more, spanked and beat him less - and on and on - he'd be different! But you know what? He is, what he is. LOTS AND LOTS of people have grown up in more horrible conditions that he has - and risen above it. Found a way to live a decent life. Be a good person. We all have choices. The toughest therapy sessions I endured (fought against and disagreed with) were that my son could change if he wanted to. Because....we got him help. Because he didn't have an upbringing like his biomoron. Because he was smarter.....and you know what? Eleven years of therapy, Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, elimination diets, 64 medications, hospitals, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, countless books, systems, charts, begging, pleading, crying - praying - He's still who he is - and he will be who he is going to be. You think - if your x had been "given" a chance to be different that he would have.I'm telling you it's possible, but doubtful. What I have spent a lot of years learning is that we are who we want to be. If he wanted to change - he would seek out resources to facilitate it. But he's comfortable being who he is. Right or wrong. Environment is part of life - genetics is another. And it may have made a difference for him to have the things you wished for him - but I look at my son and think - IF that were so - he'd be changed now. Changing isn't easy - but the person has to want to change - and then DO something about it themselves. What I do know - is that HAD I NOT gotten myself therapy and gotten my difficult child into therapy and done all that I have? YOU wouldn't want to know the person he would have become. I'm his Mom and I wouldn't have. And because of therapy for me? I'm a better person, I made better decisions in my life, I'm a better parent - BECAUSE I CAN SAY NO WITHOUT GUILT - All the love in the world hasn't changed my son tremendously. I don't feel sorry FOR my son - I DO feel sorry FOR the situations that caused him to think he needs to continue being like he is. I do not feel sorry for my x any longer. I don't pity his life, I don't wish him well, I do hope he finds God - I just don't really have too much of a thought where he is concerned other than - he hurt us, and almost killed us, and it left a lot of scars. You did a brave thing in leaving. Do a braver thing and either get or stay in therapy for yourself. Appreciate your x for who he is - because it's who he wants to be. People that aren't happy with themselves - make changes. To say that he didn't have those chances may be true, but to say he doesn't have those chances now is to believe he's not a very smart person. He's smart - he just chooses not to be the person that YOU think he should be. It's nothing against you - it's just who he is. Now that you're apart - YOU go have a life - YOU go live your dreams - YOU enjoy your children. You have a lot to live for - Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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