Just a vent, dump, screech outloud

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AngelaMia aka Merris, Nov 8, 2014.

  1. I've been on and off the board since difficult child was diagnosed as BiPolar (BP) at about 13. (Are they still called difficult children? LOL!) Suicide attempts, running away, drugs, etc. For those of you don't know me or remember the hardest time in my life I'll provide a little background. In 2006 difficult child attacked me in my sleep with a knife. He was 17. He was wearing a mask and gloves. He did not hurt me and I called 911 to get him into the hospital. He spent 3 days in the hospital and the next year in jail awaiting trial. No amount of medical records, psychiatric testing, hospital records or educational information was allowed to be presented. Ultimately he was sentenced to 10 years in jail suspended and probation. He finally got off probation last year.

    As a convicted felon he cannot find a job - he (and I!) have applied to anything that shows up and get no replies. He has isolated himself up in his room and sleeps, when he does sleep, until 5 in the afternoon. He has a psychiatrist, but still goes DAYS without sleeping. The saga continues in that he has become verbally abusive to me and to his girlfriend. She is no innocent, she hits him, but I am so ashamed that my son could talk to her and to ME this way. Just like a batterer he always says he is sorry and cries afterward. I constantly ask myself, "Is this something he can control? Is it really the immaturity or the illness?" Am I holding him back by not forcing him out? My son has nowhere else to go and seems to have given up. I'm afraid he might die homeless and I can't help but wonder what the hell I did wrong.

    I know I am an enabler but I need people who can see the complexity of this. My friends and family say I should throw him out. Without medication I don't know what would happen.

    I'm scared.
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry about the way your son was treated in the criminal justice system.

    If at all possible, get a therapist for yourself, an MSW, who can give you practical advice on how to deal with him. Boundaries need to be set re: taking medication and verbal abuse.
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Hi AngelaMia, and welcome back.

    I don't don't have any answers, either. It is so hard to know what is enabling and what is cruel and what is the best thing to do. Of course you don't want your son to be homeless....

    If son is not working and is having trouble being hired, is there some way he could begin an internet business?

    That would probably be my next idea. For him to begin researching what it is people who make money from home, on the internet, actually DO.

    Maybe that would be a beginning for him?

    Just researching the subject, if he hasn't already done so, might help him focus in a new, more hopeful direction.

    One of the moms here on the site has learned to make soaps and oils, and is distributing them herself.

    So there are things he might try.

    Wishing you both well, AngelaMia.

  4. Thank you Cedar - that's a really good idea - he's very interested in politics, history and oddly enough, fishing so there has to be something he can do!
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I think you did nothing wrong. If you did? Then we all did the exact same thing, because our kids seem to have the same responses no matter where, how, or with whom we raised them.

    There is some question, these days, whether these kinds of behaviors have a genetic component.

    If you are afraid of this grown man who is your son, then please leave your home, now. Contact a women's shelter and they will help you.

    Or call a crisis line. If you look up United Way, you will find the number for your area.

    Once you are safe, you can begin the process of getting your son the help he needs ~ and of getting him out and on his own with assistance from social services.

    But you must be responsible to yourself, first.

    Verbal and emotional abuse are soul stealers. It is a very small jump from verbally abusing someone to physical abuse. Given your and your son's history, I think you should find a safe place now, today.

    Are you able to do that?

  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi AngelaMia, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation with your son. I can certainly understand your reluctance to push him out. Is he on medication for his BiPolar (BP)? Have you attempted to get him services through the state for disability? Is he eligible? Have you contacted NAMI, which is the National Alliance for Mental Illness, they can be assessed online and have chapters in many cities. They are a good resource for us parents who are dealing with what you are dealing with. Are you in a supportive environment? NAMI also has very good parent courses which can offer you support as well as resources.

    You're in a tough place. When there is mental illness involved it makes it all very foggy as to how to proceed. If he has a probation officer, you might check to see if they have a list of places that hire convicted felons. Here in CA. Goodwill does as well as some chain pharmacies. There is also a nationwide program called Delancey Street http://www.delanceystreetfoundation.org which may provide you with some help.

    I think it is still imperative even with your sons issues, to sit him down and provide some kind of a strong set of conditions under which he will live with you until he can get back on his feet. You might assert some kind of a date in the future where he has to meet your criteria or move out. There are shelters too, it doesn't mean he will be homeless. It sounds as if you are stuck in the overwhelm part of it all, which is a place where it is hard to take any action. That's where support for YOU will come in handy.

    And, try to put aside your guilt about what you believe you did wrong, that will keep you stuck, your son has a disorder and he has made some mistakes that have created the present situation. That's real. It is as important for you to receive support while you are going through this. NAMI, or a 12 step group (CODA), or therapy or a parent group, whatever you feel good about, you are going to need help, I believe we all do. The support will offer you guidance, understanding, compassion and clarity. With clarity, you will have a better idea of how to proceed. As in all our cases, it is a step by step process, we just have to keep moving forward one step at a time. And, of course, there is some stepping back too, but that is to be expected. It seems that what you need now is a plan. Get yourself support. Start thinking about the criteria you have for him to stay with you, temporality, until he gets his life together. Make sure one of them is respect for you and your things. He doesn't get to abuse you or talk to you without respect.

    Take one step today, call NAMI or go to a CODA meeting, once we take action, the fear begins to subside.

    Where you are is a difficult place to be, seek out help. Keep posting. Take care of yourself. We're here, you're not alone.
  7. I'm not physically scared of him at all. I am scared for his future, I am scared of him feeling rejected when I make him leave, I am scared of all of those things but not him himself.
  8. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I think you a maybe taking this act he committed way too lightly. I would be terrified of him, if this were me. It is so hard to get into anyone elses head of what they are thinking and are capable of. I support the idea of YOU going to a domestic violence center for your own safety. Someone who already committed, or attempt to commit this kind of violence against another (after all will the planning of wearing the mask and gloves) is NOT safe to be around anymore. I think this is the reason the court would not allow all the mental health issues from keeping him out of prison. The incident sounds like a scene from a horror story in itself - and the courts put him away to both punish his behavior AND to protect society.
  9. WHY would I go to a domestic violence center now? The incident was 8 years ago. When I say I am afraid I am afraid of what will happen if he cannot or chooses not to take care of himself. I am not asking for opinions on how I should have handled or felt about something in the past. Oh, forget it.
  10. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I think I was agreeing with this when I posted my message. And as you agree he is starting to become abusive again (verbally right now) I think it is an important issue. Sorry if it bugged you for me saying it.
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    AngelaMia, I think folks were responding to your statement of being scared........, we're just wanting you to be safe, the most important thing.

    Sometimes words get in the way of what we are needing.........it was a misunderstanding...........