Just a Vent

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Oct 28, 2011.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm frustrated..........sometimes I'm at a low boil.......sometimes I just want to hide away. This is in between the lost / confused state that doesn't seem to want to lift. Which produces the frustrated low boil state again.....so it's becoming a spin your wheels type thing. :sigh:

    It's not like I've never lived alone as a single woman before. I could change a tire, change my oil, top off my fluids, pump my gas......never bat an eye. Some of it I didn't like, but I could still do it. I could handle a house, pay bills ect. No sweat.

    Now? Bank machines stump me. Gas pumps confuse me.....although I did manage with Travis' help to get it pumped last time and filled the tank. I can barely manage the credit card things in a check out counter, while holding my breath it all goes well every time.

    easy child's husband just showed me how to remove my cruddy windshield wiper and talked me through putting the new one on. I come home.......the one husband bought and said was for my car couldn't have been...it's huge compared to the one I just took off and the mechanism is no where near the same. I did still try to see if I could put it on........uh no. Granted I was working in the dark too which wasn't helping. I think husband just told me it was for mine so I'd stop nagging him to buy me a new one. This I've never done before.....so I don't expect to just know how to do it at least.

    I've got to change the furnace filter. Which means I've got to overcome my fear of basements and go down into mine for the first time in 8 yrs. I've never stepped foot in the basement of this house. I've never seen the furnace. No clue what size to buy or how to put it in. Last time I did a furnace filter was 25 yrs ago. But I *think* this job I can handle. I can read what I need to buy on the old filter and take note of how it was put in when I remove it.

    It's these endless things that husband used to do, none of them huge by any means, that I took for granted that I not only have to try to remember to do......but many of them I have to figure out how to do them. Makes me want to scream fairly often because much of it isn't hard, and much of my issue is my stupid brain not my intelligence, which peeves me off. (and it does make me feel stupid even though I know I'm not)

    I can't stand feeling helpless, it makes me furious. It also seems to make me withdraw into my little cave. So it makes the whole I don't want to leave the house or talk on the phone thing even worse and right now that is at least as bad as it was post accident 8 yrs ago, if not worse.

    I'm so mad at husband right this minute he's probably very lucky to be on the other side where I can't reach him to throttle him senseless or strangle him.

    I've got gutters to clean out. I've got a patio that is a disaster and a back yard that looks like a jungle of weeds, which many are taller than I am. And I still have the family room and master bedroom and attic to tackle inside. And folks, I might know how to mow a lawn but thanks to that accident I can't pull the darn pull cord to get the engine started up on a mower. Not with either arm. Travis can't see to mow or use a weed eater.

    He up and left me with so much SH*T to clean up it's unreal. :grrr: Not to mention I really don't know where anything is located. I've got to hunt down our winter clothes this weekend.....guess where they're stored? Attic or family room. omg

    husband was the king of the procrastinators and I feel like I got left holding the bag on absolutely everything. He was my safety net for this stupid d*mn Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), and that safety net is gone. So I'm stuck trying to deal with all the weird little annoying ways my brain trips me up on some of what should be the easiest tasks........and get to deal with strange reactions from people who will never really get it unless they themselves have the joy of a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). My stupid brain doesn't trip me up every time. Sometimes it does just fine, then poof nothing. And of course stress just makes it 100 times worse, so much of the time I'm dealing with mush when I could really use my brain.

    I begged husband to do the yard with me all spring and most of the summer.......begged about the gutters, drove him nuts over the family room, attic, and master bedroom. I'd been asking him to change my windshield wiper blades for more than a year for god's sake, the exhaust on the car?.......oh about 2 yrs. My tires? I've had the car 8 yrs, tires were ok (not great) when I bought it. I need to go get tires.........no clue how to even do that.

    OMG! I hate this! I just want to quit, but of course I can't quit. I'm never the one who gets to quit. I'm always the one who has to figure it out and fix it. I'm always the one who has to keep on surviving.

    I have to do this. I have to get to the point where gas pumps and bank machines don't cause a major anxiety attack because I never know when my brain will decide to have a DUH moment and hope that once it becomes routine the duh moments will be rare and not last long enough to make me look like a complete moron. I have to get to the point where paying bills becomes so routine that I don't forget to pay the darn things. And I'm going to have to figure out how to cope with this home maintenance thing with two cr*ppy shoulders. And no I can't afford to pay someone to do yard work so that's totally out.

    And yeah I've got great kids. But those kids have their own lives to live and can't come hold Mommy's hand over every little thing, and personally I'd want to shoot myself if it had to be that way.

    ARGH! (insert a long stream of exceptional curse words)

    And while I'm venting......... I HATE anxiety!!! I had a extremely mild form before the accident, since the accident.......well right after it was totally out of control, then I had a tight rein on it for a while, now......it's out of control again. Forcing myself to do stuff does not stop the overwhelming anxiety, it's just frigging exhausting.

    And then I get furious because I feel vulnerable and I simply can't tolerate feeling vulnerable. If I can't be independent, that makes me vulnerable. Know what I mean??

    I will get through this because I have no choice. I'll learn what I've got to learn because I have no choice. I'll do the best I can because I just don't have a choice. And evidently I'll be furious and overwhelmed with anxiety until I do because husband was only 63 yrs old and should be here with me doing this stuff with me instead of me having to relearn to do it on my own!

    It's pretty safe to say the "shock" has worn off. It's an interesting thing to have grief double you over while you're furious with the person your grieving.

    Pity party / vent over. Not sure I feel better...... But it was good to cut loose and vent off what I've been feeling the past couple of weeks.

    Maybe it's a good thing I keep *forgetting* to pick up booze.:sigh:
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Anger is good, hon. Part of healing. Vent away!

    Can Travis pull the cord so you can mow? Just a thought.

    No, easy child and Nichole and SILs can't do it all for you, you're right. But I know they're willing to help out.

    Have Travis go into the basement with you. Take a flashlight even if the lights work. Don't be surprised if there's more *stuff* down there.

    And don't worry about looking like a complete moron. Those credit card thingys make me nuts. They're all different. I hate 'em. If you are somewhere and you need help, ask for it. Tell them - I feel dumb asking, but I'm not sure how to--- whatever it is.

    As for windshield wipers, on Saturns they're usually 2 different sizes (GRRR). They're a (female dog) to put on, too. The last I don't know how many times, I've had to have help - and I know how to do it!

    :hugs: finally, CALL ME if you need someone to come down and just help pitch stuff, move it around, or have a pity party.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    :hugs: good job! you needed that. Grief is a tricky thing but one of those things we just have to let happen. A very good friend just died and he left his wife and two young kids behind. She is a great provider, but it wasn't supposed to be this way. This has happened several times in my life (close people, but have not had the experience of a partner dying..so sorry for that). The up and down is so hard. Feeling sad, mad, relieved, everything about them leaving is overwhelming at times.
    You have all these extra challenges and would it work to do it slower? Maybe one thing a day? If you worry you will forget just put it on a list on the fridge. You can get to it when it doesn't feel overwhelming.
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I really hope you don't take this the wrong way but this is all VERY normal. This is about the time the anger stage of grief takes over and that is normal too. It will pass with time and I can only imagine the added burden you have with your own issues.

    You're right. You will do it because there isn't a choice. You are strong and smart. There are just some things that you didn't have to worry about before that now you do. They can be done and you will find a way. Us warrior moms are great at "creatively" solving problems when we have to.

    For the things you sometimes forget how to do, try keeping little step-by-step directions in your purse or pocket to follow until it does become habit. I have had to do this because when my anxiety was in high gear, EVERYTHING I knew went out the window. For the mowing, can Travis pull the cords so you can mow?? Break the jobs down into priorities and then into what parts of each NEEDS to be done. The inside of the house can wait until winter is over (except finding the winter clothes). As the child of a new widow, I would have shot my mother if she HADN'T asked for help when she needed it even though I had my own life with twin newborns on top of that. I would rather help her learn to do it herself (I was daddy's "boy"). It's not like you're necessarily going to need their help with everything for the rest of your life and adult children understand that.

    I am so sorry all of this is hitting so hard so fast. I wish I could be there to lend a hand, I really do. Do whatever you HAVE to in any matter you can. Some things will just have to wait. Other things won't be done right away the way you want them but get the IMPORTANT things done. LET your kids help. Don't shut them out because of pride. You took care of them for so many years, let them take care of you for just a little bit. Don't be so hard on yourself. I would hate to have you explode or worse yet implode. It just isn't worth it.

    Millions of supportive understanding {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} coming your way.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Lisa... oh, Lisa.
    Its quite a roller-coaster ride.

    You are dealing with things on so many levels at the same time... its part of where the anger and frustration come from. One or two levels, fine. But its not.

    As others have said, much of this is normal.

    There's lots of ways to "help your brain"... that's for a separate thread, though... and only when you're ready for it. Lots of us have to do these things too... on top of teaching them to our difficult children with working memory problems.

    You know that we're here for you.

    Hang in there.

  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm not going to take it the wrong way, I know it's normal grief.....my brain knows it, my emotions seem to have a mind all their own right now.

    I figured if I started yelling at husband........I might see guys with white coats walking up my drive, so you guys got it instead. lol
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa...I am just gonna give you some hints before I commiserate because I like to give you the helpful stuff first. Makes me feel useful.

    Windshield washers and all other itty bitty car things; Go to Advance Auto or one of those other big name chains and they will install the wipers for you. Also install the battery or check it to see if you need a new one. Even check your wires and plugs and starter too.

    Tires: Are you looking for new or used tires? If new tires, I think I have heard Heather mention a place in OH named Discount Tires that she goes to otherwise I use Pepboys or even Walmart for my tires. I think you have a Sams Club card and they do tires. Just call them and ask the price for the tire size. Its on the side of the tire. It should read something 195/50R14. 195 is the mm from side to side of the rim of the tire. The part that touches the road. The 50 refers to the profile from the rim to the outer edge so that would be about 50% and then the 14 is the size of the tire. A 14 inch tire. Best bet is to take it to a tire shop and just let them put the tires on for you and they will balance them for you. Get the road hazard warranty too. That has saved my butt many a time. Run over a nail and they fix the tire or replace it.

    The gas pumps: yeah I had to learn them since I actually worked as a gas jockey. I am guessing since you are talking about gas cards and the cards at the grocery stores, that you are actually now using debit cards. hooray! Welcome to the 21st Century. First the gas pumps. If you are paying at the pumps, all you have to do is look at the place to insert the card and it will tell you which way to insert the card. Which way the numbers are to face. Follow the directions on the pump as to whether you slide the card first or push the button for debit. Some say one thing and some say another. Always hit the button asking for a receipt. Then you insert your card quickly into the machine and slide it back out. Then it will say debit or credit. Then it will say something like "Just a moment...Processing" Then it will tell you to Lift nozzle and pump. At that point you should pick which type of fuel you are going to use. I always use the cheapest one and I stick the hose in and pump. When done, I put the cap back my car, put the nozzle back and grab my receipt.

    For grocery or other stores it is much the same, when it comes time to pay, you just have the slide your card down or across the machine depending upon the machine, key in your pin numbers, and it may have to wait for the cashier to catch up at that point but when she does, she may ask credit or debit to which you reply debit, and then she hits something on her screen and a screen will probably pop up asking if you want cash back and you hit yes or no.

    As far as the furnace...I dont got nothing.

    The lawn...I would have one of the son in laws come do it.

    Now...I can say Im so sorry you are going through all this right now. Big hugs.
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I think a lot of what you're going through is normal too, Lisa. And you have a perfect right to be angry about a lot of things and that's normal too so vent away!

    Not that my ex did much, but after the divorce and then when my son wasn't living at home, I went through a lot of the same thing. I had never mowed the lawn in my life but I did it! And I found my own way to start the weedeater. I had to put it down on the concrete step and use my foot to hold it down while I pulled the cord. It works! I mastered these little things one by one and you will too. And don't worry about the inside of your house! You're not on any deadline and it will still be there when you're darned good and ready to do it. And I found out that once I had everything under control, especially the finances, I felt so much more confident! My ex was a loose cannon where money was concerned and it was such a relief to finally have it under control. One by one you will master these little chores, you will conquor the basement and learn to change furnace filters. And a lot of times, if you go to the auto parts store to buy wiper blades, if you ask nicely and look helpless, one of them will come out and put them on for you! My son used to do it for their customers all the time and it only takes a minute or two if you know how to do it. And I get anxious sometimes too with the debit card because it seems like almost every machine is different but it's no big deal to ask for help.

    I still get really mad if there is something that I just cannot do because I can't lift something or I'm not tall enough to reach something. I actually hired a lawn service to cut my grass because I couldn't lift my old lawn mower in to the trunk of my car to take it to a repair shop! And you should see my living room! The curtains on two of the three windows are neatly hung on new curtain rods. The third one, in the corner behind the TV, is up there but it's dangling at a weird angle on the old curtain rod because I can't reach it, even with the ladder. And my walls are now a pretty pale blue EXCEPT for the upper part of that corner behind the TV that I can't reach and that's still an ugly dirty beige color. I am still waiting for my talll long-armed son to come over and do that corner for me. It's frustrating but I just pretend that I don't see it.
  10. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    :hugs: Anger will help you get things done. I think you'll forgive husband eventually. But now you're mad and that is o.k. You are a strong fighter. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Strong people often forget that. I know I do.

    I'm sorry things are so hard right now. It is hard to live, and feel strong emotions, and heal all at the same time. You are doing a lot even when you are just sitting being mad at husband.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Lisa, sometimes, it helps to see the irony in things...

    Did you notice in your post that you are mad at husband for the things he didn't do (like the gutters, and the wiper blades)...
    AND mad at husband for the things he did do (like the furnace filter)?

    In reality, you're not so much mad at husband... as you are just plan mad and frustrated and overloaded... with this stupid thing called "life".
  12. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    what you are going through is perfectly normal, and right in step with the grief process.

    My dad built our house. There had never, ever been any type of service person in the house. While both my mother and I could do a lot of stuff around it, we couldn't do everything, and I was pregnant to boot, so there were things I physically couldn't do. She would ask neighbors (my dad helped them for years, so it was just time for swallowing pride and pay back). She figured out a lot. And finally she decided the house and huge yard were just too much and sold it and moved into an apartment. (I'm not saying you should do this - I'm just telling what she did). This was the best thing she could have done. Now when something is wrong, she leaves a note when she goes to work (she still works at age 80) and when she comes home, it's fixed.

    On the mower - take it to a repair shop and see if they can change where the cord is attached to the handle. I had to do this - I wasn't tall enough to get a full pull without standing on the picnic table. They moved it over to the side and it helped to "push" the mower away from my body while pulling the cord.

    As already stated, a lot of places like Autozone will actually put the wiper blades, etc. on for you when you buy them there.

    Furnace filter. Once you figure out what size you need - take the measurements and the type of furnace you have to someplace like Lowe's or Home Depot (I favor Lowe's here) and they'll tell you what to do. Same with most other repair jobs.

    You can do it or figure a way out to do it. Put notes in your phone for reminders. I do it all the time.