Just a vent

[PatriotsGirl]

I am SOOOOO sick of perfect parents. On two occasions today I have had a run in with someone who thinks because they have a easy child, they are the greatest parents ever. OMG. No, honey, you are lucky. There is a difference.

Am I the only one that honestly feels whether your kid turns out good or bad really has nothing to do with your parenting. I have seen kids grow up in dire environments who were really good kids and made something of themselves. I have also seen kids that come from perfectly great environments who turn out to be difficult children. Therefore, can anyone honestly think it was their parenting skills that made their kids behave??

Example, I have a girl who sits next to me at work. I like her a lot. But she has one daughter who is turning 9. She thinks their parenting just rocks because this kid is such a good kid. Because this kid fears getting their parents mad...because in her words, they put fear into her early.

Yeah, well, we tried that and our kid scoffed at us. We tried everything and no matter what she was destined to be a difficult child. Does that mean I am a crappy parent?? Others seem to think so.

Thankfully, with my new schedule starting next week I will only be in this office once a week. UGH.

 

[Mama Raygun]

I feel exactly the same way!! I feel judged every time i take my difficult child somewhere and he acts up, I feel like his teacher thinks we are to blame too by certain things she has said. She told me at a conference how J really craves one on one time and maybe I should carve out special cuddle time like she does w her daughter. If people only knew how much one on one that boy gets!!!! PP have no idea!!!!! If kids behavior reflected the parents discipline,energy & effort our difficult child would be perfect angels!

 

[AnnieO]

If I was a "perfect" parent, I would have been able to fix all the prior damage and Onyxx and Jett would be PCs.

Yeah, people who judge us have NO CLUE.

 

[Signorina]

I had a perfect child until he went away to college. Where does that leave me?

Seriously, your coworker shouldn't count her chickens until they hatch....

UGH

 

[InsaneCdn]

Seriously, your coworker shouldn't count her chickens until they hatch....

Sig - DITTO.

I was gonna say... it ain't over 'til its over... gloating about a 9YO? look out, mama, trouble is coming. She'll get her share of troubles yet.

Even when other parents get their kids right through to happily married, reasonable career success and kids of their own... I still don't tolerate the gloating. Or the "all you have to do is...".

 

[AnnieO]

I've never met a "perfect" teen, anyway... So just think of that when she gets holier-than-thou...

 

[InsaneCdn]

I've never met a "perfect" teen, anyway... So just think of that when she gets holier-than-thou...

Step? Never met a perfect teen? I have. A few of them, actually.

And in every single case, nobody would have wanted the life the family had before the kids became teens. It was either major health issues, or major other issues (i.e. difficult child issues) that got turned around. And... families like that, in my opinion, don't tend to gloat. They know that parenting is not a cakewalk. They're just thankful.

 

[DDD]

I get it. It's so frustrating...but it is based on the ignorance that we all wish we had, lol. It was a bit easier for me because I had two easy child's before GFGmom hit the scene. Obviously I hadn't changed parenting styles that much so people who actually knew me figured out that she had issues. Next generation, lol, I had a high achieving, polite, handsome, all star athlete. When he turned into a easy child/difficult child and later into a difficult child it blew everyone's mind...especially mine!

Most of us try to limit contact with PP for the sake of our sanity. It is a bummer. DDD

 

[Zardo]

I have a coworker who gloats about his younger kids too and gives the old "what you need to tell him is....". I have learned, over time, never confide in someone that has not had teens yet, or just tread lightly with them. I have also developped a "canned" response for his advice -"yes, XXX, I agree with you that that is a great thing to say. Unfortunately, I tried saying things like that many times about 2 years ago and we're well beyond that. I hope for your sake, that you never encounter problems like this when your kids are teens" - then I give him the old knock on wood gesture. It is very frustrating -so I "pick" who to talk to. I find the best listeners are people who struggled in their teens themselves. I found found a handful of friends that did and they are a big, non-judging support.

 

[shellyd67]

I am right there with you PG !

No one has the "PERFECT" kid. NO ONE !

I feel like I do my very best with difficult child and easy child. I love unconditionally, care deeply for them, fufill all their needs and most of their wants (lol) I provide them with a loving, stable home just like all of you do/did with your children.

We all have some sort of trial or tribulation, pain and suffering whether it be with ourself, our kids, spouses, family, friends... I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I try so hard not to judge. I do have strong opinions but try to NEVER judge or point fingers. I have my own problems and worries and I also get sick of these la la parents who make their kids sound so dag gone perfect.

I just kind of chuckle on the inside ... My theory is they do have issues and making everything sound perfect is the way they deal with it.

 

[toughlovin]

I am there with you PG... I hate those perfect parents with perfect children!! I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is that lots of people do not talk honestly about it. It is hard work and has really tough moments but people are so busy showing they have the perfect kids they stop being honest. I think this is sad because what we all need is support from each other.

And the other truth is some kids are just a whole lot easier to raise than other kids. If my daughter had been my first or my only I would have been one of those "smug" parents, because she is definitely an easy child. Not perfect but a great kid and easy to raise. And man I would have been patting myself on the back because she is turning out so well!!! LOL well she was not my first or my only and I learned early that some kids are much more difficult and that in fact as a parent I don't have as much to do with it as I thought (before I was a parent) i would.

TL

 

[shellyd67]

I know for my own sake I would just be a bottled up mess if I tried to make life appear so perfect

I don't tell "everyone" my business because we all know some people "love" when the chips are down but I do have a close circle I confide in ...

I am learning as I go ... LOL

 

[keista]

Honestly? Any parent who feels the need to "gloat" over their perfect kids, probably has more to hide than brag about.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh it just made me so mad. The snickers and snide looks between co-workers (both who have children under the age of 10!), probably talking about me through IM. Whatever. I stated my opinion and I stand by it. It is luck. If there was such parenting that existed where the child turned out great, then there would be a book, everyone would parent that way and there would be perfect children everywhere. HA!

I am really so done divulging ANY personal information with anyone I work with. If they ask about difficult child, I will just say she is fine. It just doesn't pay trying to get close to people. I have maybe one close friend that I can talk to and all of you - that is enough for me.

Fortunately, my schedule has changed so that I am only in that office on Fridays (and this woman is not there on Fridays) and in another office location on Tuesdays. Three days I am working from home!!!!!

 

[toughlovin]

It really can be amusing to watch people with kids under the age of 11 be know it alls about parenting teens... and then to watch them have teens themselves. Even easy kids, like my easy child, as teens get to be more of a challenge!!! LOL.... I mean there are the snits, the moods, the attitude, and maybe even normal rebellion. So in a few years PG....these coworkers may be coming to you for advice on how to handle their teens!!!!

In the meantime yes stay away from those parenting conversations with them.

TL

 

[DaisyFace]

PG -

I'm right there with ya!

In fact - I heard the most ignorant statement last week from a "perfect parent" with "perfect kids"....and it's STILL making me angry to think about.

She stated that parents whose kids are depressed or "have issues" don't expect their kids to do well and are "prepared" for them to give up and kill themselves. (yep...getting angry again just typing it out...)

She doesn't realize how blessed she is! And hopefully - her 'perfect kids' won't develop any depression issues as they continue middle and high school...

 

[exhausted]

PG,
I am with you! I'm a teacher so I can tell you it is all about the "genetics roll of the dice". The old nature vs. nurture thing-and I think nature trumps nurture with our difficult children! Bad parents have easy kids and good parents have difficult children. And isn't it interesting that in the same house many of us have pcs and difficult children. While it doesn't hurt to do a good job parenting, it sure does not control gfgdome! Kids have their free agency and will be what they will be. We can only control ourselves. I just smile when someone gets "all proud" of the job they have done raising their child and their accomplishements. Not long ago, I was so envious! I have had to work on that and really "take data". We do what we can and love our kids. Perhaps these people would like to take our difficult children on?? Just wondering since they are soooo awesome.

 

[zaftigmama]

And the other truth is some kids are just a whole lot easier to raise than other kids. If my daughter had been my first or my only I would have been one of those "smug" parents, because she is definitely an easy child.

YES. I have a friend who has said if she and her H had stopped after one kid they probably would have been one of those smug parents.

She stated that parents whose kids are depressed or "have issues" don't expect their kids to do well and are "prepared" for them to give up and kill themselves. (yep...getting angry again just typing it out...)

This is the most horrible, ignorant thing I've ever heard...I can't think of what I would do if someone said that to me. It wouldn't be pretty.

 

[DaisyFace]

This is the most horrible, ignorant thing I've ever heard...I can't think of what I would do if someone said that to me. It wouldn't be pretty.

I agree. I was STUNNED. I told her that NO parent EVER gives up hope for their children.