Just another "typical" difficult child story :)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, Apr 9, 2010.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Even when working, Oldest has constant issues with coming up with enough money to pay her rent etc. I frequently get a call complaining that she's "short." I never offer to help, by the way. She occasionally asks, but I always say no. She seems to "count her chickens" a lot ... counting on this or that money to come in from this or that source, just in time to pay her rent. In between, she spends plenty of money eating/drinking out, and never has any contingency fund for "emergencies." Frequently, that money she counted on having on a specific day, doesn't materialize.

    So, I just got another one of those calls. Seems her paycheck today was lower than expected, which means she is short on her share of the rent/utilities. The reason? She's been docked for a "fire at work." I asked her what fire, and it seems that last week a spatula was left on the stove and caught fire. Her story: It couldn't have been HER that left the spatula there, however, because she had just started her shift, and she was the one that found it burning on the stove, and it must have been left there by the person whose shift had just ended. She hadn't even begun cooking yet when she found the fire. She put it out, and there was minimal damage, but she was charged $70 for replacing the spatula and getting the melted stuff cleaned off the stove. This is not fair, see, because SHE did not leave it there, it was IMPOSSIBLE for her to have left it there, she had just come on shift! But, even though she didn't do it, she offered to split the cost with the person who'd been on the previous shift, she thought that was perfectly fair. She wasn't sure who that person was, though, and her boss won't tell her. In fact, when she called him to tell him about the fire, he didn't even come in to work to check on it for several hours, can you believe that? He did, however, tell her that it might have been a much higher cost if the fire had not been caught so quickly. So see, she actually saved the place from further damage (ok, I added that last part, but she implied it).

    Amazing, isn't it?

    If this was the first time she'd told such a story, I'd be inclined to believe her, maybe even feel sorry for her. But, it's always something. And that something is always someone else's fault, and she's been wrongly accused, or horribly misunderstood. So, her roommate is mad at her. She doesn't know what her roommate expects her to do, she doesn't even have money for groceries or food until she gets paid again next Friday, let alone her share of the utilities. Now she has to listen to her roommate giving her "stuff" about it. What a horrible day she's having.

    Years ago, this sort of thing frustrated me, puzzled me. Now, it just really makes me laugh. Progress? :)
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Progress. :D

    Nichole is attempting to sell her new laptop to Travis and her Jeep to sister in law in order to cover her rent until she gets a job. (she and boyfriend are currently staying at the apartment now except they're not sleeping together, the bed is at his parents house lol) I told her she couldn't see the jeep because then how would she get to work if she did get a job? lol
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    So, interesting that she spends plenty of money for eating out. Other stuff is interesting too.
    Yes, progress.
    Awesome that it's not bothering you and you see the humor in it all.
  4. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Amazing how all of us have the same stories - only the names change.

    I am encouraged to hear how strong you are and able to "laugh" instead of letting it ruin your day.

    I still struggle when the violins are brought out and the excuses get made for one of my difficult child's "poor luck" stories.

    Need to visit this "neighborhood" more often and take notes!

    TFS ~
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to keep my contribution to basic food from time to time, and a cell phone. If the cell phone gets abused, I'll have them shut it down. If I think he's blowing money on stuff he doesn't need, I won't buy food.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dont you love how they always have money for what they want to do? Amazing.

    I think there is an element of them not being able to see themselves as separate from us in this type of behavior. They think if we (parents) can do certain things, then they should be able to do the same things. Problem is that we have grown up and should have a bit of experience and be better off financially than they are now. They are just starting out. They are in the struggling years but they dont remember when we were struggling. At least that is the way my kids are.
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Witz we are doing the same (very little food and cell), although we do provide some limited help with medical care as well. difficult child suffers the consequences for her poor choices often and of late, these consequences are steep. It is sad, but so be it.
    Yes, it is interesting how the stories are so similar.
    by the way, difficult child called this morning. Once again at the wrong time. Too early. We have set a strong boundary here. One time for M-F and slightly later for Sat. and Sun. She knows the times and the rules. If she calls at the wrong time, we don't speak with her. She has no problem with calling at all hours. So, she started calling over and over again and eventually we just had to put the phone off the hook for an hour. Ya know, it didn't bother me one bit. Boundaries are VERY helpful!
    I do recall that when I was young, I worked and saved for many things. It was understood that this would be required for all extras. Understood and accepted. It was also understood that when I became an adult, that I would be responsible for my own expenses and anything I might get from my parents would be a gift that I should not expect and should be grateful for. Our son is able to do that, although there was a brief period of time in his teens that he did not. He quickly got the picture and (knock on wood) does very well now. difficult children don't seem to get this and it handicaps them tremendously.
    Lasted edited by : Apr 11, 2010
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I helped Oldest get a cellphone as part of her Christmas present, but it's in her name an she pays the monthly bill (or not). I have agreed to buy her ostomy (medical) supplies for an indefinite period of time. They cost about $100/month and she has no insurance .. she can't live without them, so I feel it's necessary. I have been known to buy her groceries, but not in awhile.. I learned that the "I'm hungry and have no money for groceries" was a bit of a button-pusher. If it's clear via her Facebook status that she's going out and having fun (a great way to keep tabs on our difficult children ;-) ) , there is no reason I should pay for groceries. To me, she's "choosing" to be hungry.

    Interesting.. I treated her to a concert last night, and she had money for a couple of drinks plus bought me a CD of the opening band. So, she found money somewhere ;-)
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I think the FB thing is an awesome idea. Very eye opening.
    It is amazing how they find money for all sorts of odd things and then ask us for money for crucial items. When it comes to items that are essential for life and/or might provide hope for the future (for examply going to a therapist) it seems to us that things should at least be considered. So, that's when the limited support comes in. It is a hard call...a humanitarian one and one that looks for hope in the future. But we are ever vigilent to avoid entitlement issues, do not provide any extras, insist on respect, have set up boundaries and push hard for detachment. It is a weird dance, huh?
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is a weird dance we do but in some ways parents of normal adult kids do the same things.

    I think I have graduated from being my dads difficult child in that he has to parent me with detachment by this age. But still, every year without fail, the man will give me a Thanksgiving turkey that he gets from his job that he retired from. He keeps it in the freezer until he sees me. He has done this for the last 20 years or more. I guess my step mom likes fresh turkeys or ham...lol. I dont know if its his way of making sure I always have one or what but I always get that turkey. I think I gave it to Cory this year...lmao.