just asked difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Nov 23, 2010.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    to leave my room. i've come to notice lately i am with-her every single day. which is ok she's home now not eating, we are either at doctor's all day long on majority of days other days its just around here yet most of time she is with me.

    than at night she's with-me again. usually in my rm. because our other t.v.'s in our den the only room that isn't at all even close to finished. so it's just got a couch, and a small stand with-tv needs carpet.

    anyway i realized that i dont' watch anything on tv. at all anymore ever for me, not even one show. i am with her every single night. not one night is she just on her own either in her room or in the den watching a movie on her own. except monday and wednesday when my step kids are here. than ea. room is utilized here for most part.

    so i nicely told her after i let her put a movie into my easy child on my bed hey change of plans your going to watch a movie with-easy child or part of it till she goes to bed in the den. she threw a fit. ofcourse.

    i said it's normal for you to take time for you and me to take time for me without me having to feel bad. it's healthy.

    anyway she threw a fit yet she left the room. do any of you do this also? or do you spend each night with-your girlfriend watchiing t.v. etc??

    i guess it's all up to each parent. yet i just feel like i should be allowed to be in my own room watching tv with door open i never close doors here, and not having to watch each night her shows with-her.

    silly i know yet i felt guilty doing it
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it's good for you to spend some time apart. We have a hard time doing that when we are home with difficult child. He basically will not leave us alone. We do a lot of tag teaming and try to get out together at times. We are fortunate in that difficult child's medications usually have him up no later than 8:00 so we do get a bit of peace.
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm lucky on that one I think. With Netflix she can go watch something on the computer instead (even though she tends to prefer youtube). If I'm watching something and I tell her that it is not appropriate content for her, she doesn't argue, she just leaves the room. You could try just declaring that you are going to watch (insert here), and she's welcome to join you but not giving her the option to choose what is being watched. I find that documentaries that are interesting to me but she finds boring also drive her to find other entertainment, and if she does find it interesting at least it's also educational.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    that's good. so you have a hard time with-this as well? i figured most of us do. can i tell you i'm sitting in my rm alone and it feels ODD! LOL.

    it's just too much all day long than way into the night till 2 and 3. i have told her now you gotta let me sleep yet she rips into all sorts of odd foods, just licking everything. 8 is beautiful. the zyprexa makes her hyper so there is no sleep here.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your child is 11 right?

    I wouldnt have her right up under you constantly for anything...its not healthy for either of you. She is well old enough to be in another part of the house while you are in your room or in the kitchen or heck, even out in the yard.

    My 4 year old granddaughter will play in the living room by herself while I lay on my bed and watch tv. She occasionally comes in to tell me what something on tv is doing or ask me for a snack or ask if she can have a juice out of the fridge but she isnt sitting up under me constantly.
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I think you made a good call asking her to give you space. Frankly, you've been in each other's hip pockets so much lately that her success/your success are too intertwined. Is she eating for you or for her? Can either of you separate yourselves each from the other? Even before she became so ill I remember you saying that every night you lie there with her, holding her as she goes to sleep. It's lovely, but not every night, and not at 11 years old every night. it puts too big an emotional burden on her, to feel like she is your lifeline and sanctuary and yet to also feel she needs you to do this every night.

    I think giving yourselves, both of you, time apart and somewhere to go to be alone is very healthy, especially now she is on the brink of teenhood. But if it is too much too suddenly, a good starting point would be, "This is my room and my TV. You can stay, but we watch what I want to watch." And make sure you put on something you really do want to see but which isn't also her favourite. For example, it could be something you think she SHOULD see, but is likely to be resistant to. For example, I might put on a documentary or movie I know difficult child 3 hasn't seen but needs to for school, and which I also want to watch. It's still part of growing up, to learn to adapt to other people's needs.

    You have been doing so much for her, neglecting yourself, and she needs to learn (maybe slowly) that your needs must also be met, and she can support this. You can also encourage her to make time for herself, doing what she wants to do. Is there a hobby she likes, that is not also your hobby? Get her to do some of it. Help her if she asks for it, but make sure it is her work and not yours. She can do it in the same room as you if she chooses to, but there needs to be something for each of you, something individual.

    You don't have to feel like you're pushing her away though. If it feels too much too suddenly, go back a little and do it gently, not so drastically.

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    in my opinion it is incredibly important for you to MAKE this happen on a regular, daily or several times a day basis. Even though it may feel that you are reassuring her by being with her every minute, the reality is that you are teaching her that she cannot cope unless she is right there with you, that she is not capable of falling asleep unless you hold her, that she isn't really able to eat unless you are there to tell her she is okay and won't choke. It SEEMS, in the moment, that you are reassuring her, helping to make her feel like everything is fine. What she really gets is that she cannot handle things with-o you, because if she could then you would let her work through things on her own. I know that you don't say that, think that, want that, or in any way mean to imply that to her. It is just what the behavior of always being there to help her tells her.

    I don't watch Supernanny on any regular basis, but caught part of one a couple of weeks ago. The family had a four yo daughter who actually had damage to her vocal cords because she screamed so much for so long every time her dad left her eyesight. Every time he left she would pester for hugs, kisses, not let him go, etc... and then scream and cry and carry on. Dad would keep going back to her to reassure her that he was coming back, and together the family made a real big deal even if he was just going to run a ten minute errand. The nanny person said that this fuss was NOT helping, it was telling her that there WAS a reason for fear because if there was no reason then the dad would just go and not keep going back to kiss and hug and soothe her. The first time it happened after the nanny put some rules into place the girl screamed for a very long time, but with-in a day or so she wasn't fussing much at all. Dad would say he was going, give her a kiss and a hug, and then GO. Not dilly dally around, not try to soothe her (what's to soothe, it is normal, ordinary, no soothing is needed was the message they were sending with the new rules) or to keep trying to leave yet going to her over and over. In just a very short time the girl's "separation anxiety" was almost gone, and it was no big deal to have dad leave the house.

    in my opinion your daughter is getting the message that this little girl did, that she has REASON to worry because if she didn't then you would insist she do things by herself, even if she is bored, screams, yells, etc... You need to FORCE the issue and make her let you alone for a substantial amount of time every day, at least an hour - if not even more. Night time needs to be a time when she manages herself. Kids must be TAUGHT to amuse themselves, it is NOT something that all kids do automatically. it is a skill like anything else.

    It won't be easy to make this part of the routine, but it is a very very important thing to do, to make her spend time alone in a room, time WITHOUT you being right with her. It is something that ALL kids must learn at some point, and regardless of age they often do not see the point. It will make her more confident, more independent, and in the long run it will make her a happier person because she will learn to depend on herself to make herself happy, rather than expecting you do run interference for her every minute of the day. Not that you DO, just that she expects you to.

    I know it may be hard to do, but keep at it every day!!! Good Job!!!!
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I usually get to a point after dinner (usually around 7:00 pm) and I tell the kids, "Okay, if you want to watch t.v time to go up to your rooms." I get to a point where I'm done and I don't want to listen to Cartoon Network anymore. I think that taking some time for yourself, even if it's just an hour, if not only good for you, but I think it's essential! She will get used to not being right next to you every minute of every day. She's 11 and really should not want to be in your hip pocket. Does she have any friends that can come over after they get home from school or on the weekends? I know that she can't do anything strenous, but maybe they could sit and play a board game or something like that. Something where she is not relying on you to be her sole source of entertainment and comfort.

  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Given the recent events of the past several months with her condition, it's understandable for both of you to automatically want to be near one another. You've been her lifeline and she's somewhat isolated with being out of school and not having a 'normal' schedule outside of doctor visits. Likewise, she's been your main focus and you're scared out of your wits that she will regress. All understandable IMVHO.

    However, that said, neither of you should be holding the other hostage over this. You both need your own space and time to be alone or with others. She is at an age where, despite her condition, she should be spending quality time with herself, her siblings, and/or friends away from you. You're her MOM and it's okay to 'need' you when she's ill or going through something traumatic, however she should not be leaning on you for everything round the clock. And you, dear wonderful mother, need some time to rejuvenate and recover and be the adult woman you are, whether that means time alone or with one of your other children or with H.

    But make these changes slowly and with sublety. I don't think you need to point out to difficult child every time you want her to leave your room or whenever you feel you need space. I think that by being so direct she may feel as if you're pushing her away and possibly feel rejected. Instead, just excuse yourself when you're ready to have your own time alone...and let her know the ground rules about watching tv in your room (it's always been a rule in our home that kids are not allowed to hang out in our room for any reason unless specifically invited by H or me - no tv, no book reading, no sleeping, nothing. Our room, our personal space - no one is welcome unless invited, period). Encourage her to spend time doing things she enjoys by herself or with other family members besides you and then leave it up to her how she will spend her time without you.

    I think this situation requires you to put up loving healthy boundaries. Loving healthy boundaries are not a way of pushing difficult child away or isolating her from you. It's a way of creating an environment that is healthy for both of you - for her to grow and become more independent and for you to be an adult on your own without always having to give of yourself.

    Hugs and good luck - you can do this!