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Just cant understand the reasoning, our difficult child is spinning out of control.
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<blockquote data-quote="Siobhan Harper" data-source="post: 577932" data-attributes="member: 15902"><p>cw_mi: I'm new here, too. Your original post resonated with me so much. It was long because it had to be long; it takes a lot of words to describe a lifetime fraught with one crisis after another. If I told my difficult child's entire story, it would be as long as yours, if not longer, because mine is in his 20s. He came to us through the foster system and had suffered abuse and neglect from birth mom and dad, a foster home, then had a disrupted adoption right before he came to us. The adopting mom and dad pulled strings with the county CPS, got a baby placed with them, then proceeded to tell the authorities that if difficult child wasn't out of her house by the weekend, she would drop him off at a shelter! We heard about difficult child on a Thursday, met him on Saturday, and brought him home to live with us on Sunday. He wasn't quite 10 at the time.</p><p></p><p>I'm not going to relate the blow-by-blow of all the years that have passed since then, but I will say parenting our difficult child has been the hardest, most heartbreaking thing we have ever done, bar none. I don't know how many times we have literally cried to the heavens, "Why, why, why???" difficult child's actions can't be explained by any kind of logic or "normal" reasoning, as you have discovered. Consequently, reasoning with him never worked, although he would give lip service to agreeing with us.</p><p></p><p>Maybe most of all, I sympathize with you for all the lying you have to endure. Our difficult child did and still does exactly the same thing...and often about the most ridiculous things! My husband and I would just look at each other and shake our heads...for example, difficult child would swear up and down that he had put his clothes away, and five minutes later I would walk into his room, only to find them strewn all over the floor! Obviously, that's not an important example, but it does illustrate his inability or unwillingness to tell the truth (or even tell a convincing lie)! Nine time out of 10, as a kid, he knew he would get busted, but he still lies. As an adult, that one characteristic alone has caused him, us, and a lot of other people a world of hurt. It has made it nearly impossible to help him when he has gotten in over his head in some very adult situations. All the while, we just keep wondering, "Why are you lying about this?" We don't understand. I don't expect we're ever going to understand, other than to say that the lying is part of a much bigger picture/diagnosis, that manifests itself in other ways, too.</p><p></p><p>You mentioned "Borderline Personality Disorder." As much as that has become the "psychiatric flavor of the month," it is a very real disorder, and even the most skilled and reputable mental healthy professionals will tell you that it is often impossible to cure. I've only ever read about success ameliorating the symptoms for limited periods of time. But when you live like we live, even that sounds pretty good! You might want to look into that disorder a bit more deeply, even search the web for national or international docs who specialize in treating it. Knowledge alone can make you feel a little less powerless.</p><p></p><p>Please just know that you are NOT alone. One of the hardest things for husband and me was that we were alone throughout difficult child's childhood and adolescence; no resources that we knew about, no support groups, no other parents, for sure. There were adoption websites, but they didn't address the problems we faced. This site is the first I've ever encountered that allows parents who've been through the same kind of issues to share experiences.</p><p></p><p>I wish you peace.</p><p></p><p>Siobhan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Siobhan Harper, post: 577932, member: 15902"] cw_mi: I'm new here, too. Your original post resonated with me so much. It was long because it had to be long; it takes a lot of words to describe a lifetime fraught with one crisis after another. If I told my difficult child's entire story, it would be as long as yours, if not longer, because mine is in his 20s. He came to us through the foster system and had suffered abuse and neglect from birth mom and dad, a foster home, then had a disrupted adoption right before he came to us. The adopting mom and dad pulled strings with the county CPS, got a baby placed with them, then proceeded to tell the authorities that if difficult child wasn't out of her house by the weekend, she would drop him off at a shelter! We heard about difficult child on a Thursday, met him on Saturday, and brought him home to live with us on Sunday. He wasn't quite 10 at the time. I'm not going to relate the blow-by-blow of all the years that have passed since then, but I will say parenting our difficult child has been the hardest, most heartbreaking thing we have ever done, bar none. I don't know how many times we have literally cried to the heavens, "Why, why, why???" difficult child's actions can't be explained by any kind of logic or "normal" reasoning, as you have discovered. Consequently, reasoning with him never worked, although he would give lip service to agreeing with us. Maybe most of all, I sympathize with you for all the lying you have to endure. Our difficult child did and still does exactly the same thing...and often about the most ridiculous things! My husband and I would just look at each other and shake our heads...for example, difficult child would swear up and down that he had put his clothes away, and five minutes later I would walk into his room, only to find them strewn all over the floor! Obviously, that's not an important example, but it does illustrate his inability or unwillingness to tell the truth (or even tell a convincing lie)! Nine time out of 10, as a kid, he knew he would get busted, but he still lies. As an adult, that one characteristic alone has caused him, us, and a lot of other people a world of hurt. It has made it nearly impossible to help him when he has gotten in over his head in some very adult situations. All the while, we just keep wondering, "Why are you lying about this?" We don't understand. I don't expect we're ever going to understand, other than to say that the lying is part of a much bigger picture/diagnosis, that manifests itself in other ways, too. You mentioned "Borderline Personality Disorder." As much as that has become the "psychiatric flavor of the month," it is a very real disorder, and even the most skilled and reputable mental healthy professionals will tell you that it is often impossible to cure. I've only ever read about success ameliorating the symptoms for limited periods of time. But when you live like we live, even that sounds pretty good! You might want to look into that disorder a bit more deeply, even search the web for national or international docs who specialize in treating it. Knowledge alone can make you feel a little less powerless. Please just know that you are NOT alone. One of the hardest things for husband and me was that we were alone throughout difficult child's childhood and adolescence; no resources that we knew about, no support groups, no other parents, for sure. There were adoption websites, but they didn't address the problems we faced. This site is the first I've ever encountered that allows parents who've been through the same kind of issues to share experiences. I wish you peace. Siobhan [/QUOTE]
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Just cant understand the reasoning, our difficult child is spinning out of control.
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