Just curious what you guy's think...not a major issue, yet!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by DDD, Jul 8, 2013.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    easy child/difficult child as many of you know has been in a "relationship" for over a year which is a first. His SO is a difficult child who is very possessive. She has three children who are being raised by her parents...sigh. Well her youngest child is a boy who has really "attached" to easy child/difficult child. Her son is a nice little boy with a biodad who is major bad news. Her two older kids are teenagers.

    SO..."supposedly" (sorry, I am not a big fan of SO's) the boy has asked her if "he can call easy child/difficult child Daddy?" easy child/difficult child shared that with me today and said "Mama, I told her that I didn't think that was a good idea...what do you think?" I agreed. Evidently easy child/difficult child is being pressured in a major way to become engaged to SO and he told me he said "I do not plan to get married to you or anyone."

    Anyway I was wondering if any of you guys ever had a "special" name for a male father figure. All three children live with the grandparents and have done so for at least five years. Sigh. I'm thinking there may be some term of "possession" or "endearment" that this child could use that indicates the world that he and easy child/difficult child are "tight". I just can't think what to heck it could be. Any ideas? DDD
  2. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    My boyfriend was the father figure to my girls for many years. They always called him by his name even though they really didn't have active fathers in their lives. Sounds like you son is thinking correctly, if her has no plans to marry than i'de just leave it on first name basis. Maybe Pops, that is what my daughter calls her adopted Dad. He's a wonderful man who has always watched out and helped me financially with her college and just recently bought her, her first car.
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Maybe let the boy come up with a special name. My difficult child has become daddy to his girlfriend's baby. difficult child has been there since day 1. I asked him what the little guy was gonna call him and difficult child replied,"We shall see".

    :smile: I spent the afternoon with that baby, I'm in love with him.

    on the other hand, this boy must be at least 5, can't he just use easy child/difficult child's first name? I mean, they aren't going to be married
    so it may not be good for the kid to call him dad.
  4. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Having the same issue with boyo and john he sometimes wants to call john daddy. But ex is still struggling to remain in his life so out of respect we push for "step daddy" or "my john"...
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    A nickname or first name basis would be fine, but I think "Daddy" might be pushing it.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I dunno. That is a tough one. Although as long as easy child/difficult child has plans to stick around this child he's become a father figure..........and BE that father figure, I really don't see the harm in the child calling him Dad as that is what he is to him. Know what I mean?? (regardless if they are married or not)

    The man I refer to as "Dad" is not my dad. In fact, he was only technically my stepdad for 5 yrs. He was indeed my Dad until the day he died when I was 22, though. Divorce didn't change that. When I think of Dad.......he is the one who springs to mind.

    I don't have anything against my biodad. But fact of the matter is he was not the father figure in my life.........still isn't, although he did try to build a relationship but by then well, it just really didn't take off.

    When Katie was little we made a compromise because it really upset biomom that she called me Mommy. (biomom was Momma) Soooooooo stepmommyLisa was born because that is what Katie wanted to call me. Of course over the years this got shortened to just my first name. lol Much too long to say all the time.

    What the little boy calls him should be decided between him and the little boy........what makes each of them happy and comfortable.
  7. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I think it's a bit much a year in, with no plans to marry. It's great that the little guy is bonding to easy child/difficult child. I'd stick to first names though, with easy child/difficult child and his s/o explaining to the little guy that pf/difficult child loves him and is there for him and he's a special little guy. Period. Maybe I'm old fashioned. I just don't think it's wise this early and under these circumstances. Not fair to the little one if they break up. My S/O and I ended things under two weeks ago. easy child knew him as step parent since age 4 (she is now 14). He remained called by his first name and always knew that didn't mean he didn't play an important role.
  8. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I think a first name basis is far better than "Daddy" but it gets complicated with kids that age. My son found himself in the same position a year or so ago, not with a SO's child but with the son of his (female) roommate. His bio dad lives nearby but never sees him, no relationship at all. They all lived together when the boy was seven and continued till he was ten. This kid was spoiled rotten and obnoxious, with a mother who gave in to his every whim because it was easier. Somebody had to take him in hand so my son did, and as a result, the boy followed him around like a puppy and started calling him Daddy, even though he was told not to! My son did everything with him that his own dad should have, even going to parent/teacher conferences and coaching his Little League team. At that age, he just wanted a daddy so bad, like all the other kids had, somebody he could talk about when the other kids were talking about doing things with their dads. Then, when the inevitable happened and the roommate relationship ended, it was very painful for all of them.

    Kids just want a dad so badly, to be like the other kids. One of my favorite family stories is what one of my younger cousins did when she was a kid. She was the youngest of six kids and their dad died when she was just a year old so she had no real memories of him. But all her friends had fathers and she wanted one so badly that she started asking total strangers if they would like to marry her mother and be her daddy ... she even asked their family priest because he was such a nice man and she figured he would make a great daddy!

    I think it would be a big mistake to allow this boy to call him daddy, especially since there are no plans to marry. If he calls him daddy then he will think of him as his father and when the relationship ends the child will lose the person he has come to think of as his father. He can be a father figure to the child while still making it clear that he is not his "daddy".
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I tend to agree with Mattsmom and Donna, for all the same reasons. I also think your grandson showed some real insight with his response to the Daddy question and his strong statement about not marrying anyone. I hope your fears about that have now dissipated, it seems he was listening to you all along!

    Mattsmom, I am very sorry to hear about you and SO breaking up, perhaps I missed something along the way, but it surprised me........I'm so sorry.....
  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Just aquick answer-my cousin's children call their stepfather "buddy". He has 2 kids, she has 2 kids and they have a child together. Same cadence and close to "daddy" so it doesn't sound out of place when with their steps siblings and youngest brother. I love it
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think the first name is best. This poor little boy must be desperate for a father, but your son isn't his father.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If he can commit to being in this boy's life forever, then he can allow dad. But, difficult child has to aware with the boy comes the mom even if they end things.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Billy calls Tony ...Tony but if he is referring to him to someone else he calls him his dad oddly enough. Now if someone specifically asks him who his father is he will tell them his biofather but Dad is the man who raised him.

    Now with this little boy in this situation, I do like the idea of Buddy ...maybe they could be Buddy and little Buddy.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think "Buddy" or even his middle name would give the sense of intimate friends and uniqueness. easy child/difficult child said "even if SO and I break up I would still want to spend time with him". I just responded "he is a nice little boy". First thing in my head, however, was SO doesn't have custody so it would be up to her parents whether he saw you again AND I am sure that SO would be totally devestated by the breakup and not want her son to visit with him. Sigh!

    Since he grew up without a Father I know he "gets it". He called husband Daddy when he was a toddler. He knows. DDD
  15. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    DDD, I totally get it. My brothers two little grandsons that live with them call him "Daddy" too, even though they both know he's really their grandfather. They may have gotten it from hearing their mom call him "Daddy". Their bio-dad is a total loser, abusive and irresponsible and totally selfish. My niece finally left him when she was pregnant with the youngest one and came back to live with her parents. The little one is now four and bio-dad has seen him exactly once - in the hospital right after he was born. He refused to pay child support until he had to choose between paying or sitting in the county jail! Both kids are way better off without him in their lives. So my brother has been the only father figure in their lives, the only male role model they have ever had, and somewhere along the line, they both started calling him "Daddy". They finally gave up trying to get them to call him something else. But in this case, he WILL be a permanent fixture in their lives, he's not going anywhere ... not the same thing as a child looking to a temporary boyfriend or SO as a father figure. They can be an influence in a child's life, hopefully a good one, just not a "Daddy".