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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 439378" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Hello and welcome. Glad you have found your way here because you really need a place to be able to let off steam, tell it as it is and find compassionate people who understand and have a lot of experience and wisdom to share. I am relatively new here too and am still very much learning on the job <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>I totally understand your comment about Jekyll and Hyde - this is what my son reminds me of too, though I've never actually framed it like that... I have found that I definitely have the power to bring out his Dr Jekyll (this was the nice one in the original story <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> ) or to trigger his frightening Mr Hyde... but sometimes one is just too plain tired, stressed, human, frustrated to be able to play at super mum and super dad...</p><p>Swearing and making lewd gestures is also the kind of thing that draws my son... though he increasingly understands that it is socially disapproved of. The throwing stuff is not good... how did you deal with it afterwards? People talk about the importance of consequences and I am sure that is right but the trouble is imposing them... if your son is anything like mine (and I suspect he is), he will not accept consequences and if he is punished it seems to make no difference, or make things worse... So the "real hiding", while doubtless momentarily satisfying as a release for all your husband's stress, anger and frustration, will do absolutely nothing to make your son change for the better. I would imagine. </p><p>What I have found works is:</p><p>1. Rewards - promising a reward in the near future if he behaves in a (pre-defined, obviously) desirable way</p><p>2. Speaking to him respectfully and in a friendly tone. This often produces surprising results. Believe me I totally understand how near-impossible this is when the child is being rude, defiant, aggressive and all the rest of it... but what I do see and understand, though I am sometimes not super-human enough to remember it without fail, is that my boy is not actually trying to annoy and upset me on purpose with his behaviour; he is extremely sensitive and gets extremely upset and affected by my annoyance and upset... Yesterday I got really cross with him about something he was doing and he said "I want to be dead!" He is four years old! I thought oh my god, if I behave like this towards him enough times he really is going to get depressed and suicidal. It is TREMENDOUSLY hard. You need all the support, professional and personal, you can get, to enable you both to deal with him in ways that are productive, loving and consistent. These children are often really out of control. I believe they really need to see control and reasonableness being modelled and this is what is so, so hard when all your buttons are being pushed and you feel like you are at the end of your tether.</p><p>3. Praise, encouragement and affection. These things are far more effective for my boy (and I would imagine yours) than criticism, blame, anger, etc. At the same time there are limits that need to be respected and there are times when one gets cross. I find that my son has a kind of absolute radar that knows when I am acting out of good intention and love for him and when I am just stressed and more in my own wounded self than mature parent mode, if you see what I mean. He will accept discipline from the former but not from the latter. </p><p>These are my experiences that I can share with you. Others will be along with more insight. Hugs. There is light at the end of the tunnel, though it may not be immediately visible...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 439378, member: 11227"] Hello and welcome. Glad you have found your way here because you really need a place to be able to let off steam, tell it as it is and find compassionate people who understand and have a lot of experience and wisdom to share. I am relatively new here too and am still very much learning on the job :) I totally understand your comment about Jekyll and Hyde - this is what my son reminds me of too, though I've never actually framed it like that... I have found that I definitely have the power to bring out his Dr Jekyll (this was the nice one in the original story :) ) or to trigger his frightening Mr Hyde... but sometimes one is just too plain tired, stressed, human, frustrated to be able to play at super mum and super dad... Swearing and making lewd gestures is also the kind of thing that draws my son... though he increasingly understands that it is socially disapproved of. The throwing stuff is not good... how did you deal with it afterwards? People talk about the importance of consequences and I am sure that is right but the trouble is imposing them... if your son is anything like mine (and I suspect he is), he will not accept consequences and if he is punished it seems to make no difference, or make things worse... So the "real hiding", while doubtless momentarily satisfying as a release for all your husband's stress, anger and frustration, will do absolutely nothing to make your son change for the better. I would imagine. What I have found works is: 1. Rewards - promising a reward in the near future if he behaves in a (pre-defined, obviously) desirable way 2. Speaking to him respectfully and in a friendly tone. This often produces surprising results. Believe me I totally understand how near-impossible this is when the child is being rude, defiant, aggressive and all the rest of it... but what I do see and understand, though I am sometimes not super-human enough to remember it without fail, is that my boy is not actually trying to annoy and upset me on purpose with his behaviour; he is extremely sensitive and gets extremely upset and affected by my annoyance and upset... Yesterday I got really cross with him about something he was doing and he said "I want to be dead!" He is four years old! I thought oh my god, if I behave like this towards him enough times he really is going to get depressed and suicidal. It is TREMENDOUSLY hard. You need all the support, professional and personal, you can get, to enable you both to deal with him in ways that are productive, loving and consistent. These children are often really out of control. I believe they really need to see control and reasonableness being modelled and this is what is so, so hard when all your buttons are being pushed and you feel like you are at the end of your tether. 3. Praise, encouragement and affection. These things are far more effective for my boy (and I would imagine yours) than criticism, blame, anger, etc. At the same time there are limits that need to be respected and there are times when one gets cross. I find that my son has a kind of absolute radar that knows when I am acting out of good intention and love for him and when I am just stressed and more in my own wounded self than mature parent mode, if you see what I mean. He will accept discipline from the former but not from the latter. These are my experiences that I can share with you. Others will be along with more insight. Hugs. There is light at the end of the tunnel, though it may not be immediately visible... [/QUOTE]
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