Just for the record

[Kjs]

It has come to my attention that some people do not think I follow through on advice or doctors instructions. Please let me set it straight now.

My husband and I have been in counseling for one year as of tomorrow.
difficult child even longer.
New psychiatrist recently, but previous psychiatrist for many years has put difficult child on many, many stimulants and he has had horrible reactions to all. Still trying to find the right medication combo for him.

Both old and new psychiatrist instructed difficult child (with myself in the room) that the stimulants are quick in / quick out. He can take them on school days and does not need to take them when there is no school. He has had very bad reactions to all he has tried. Yet he still tries.

I do supervise my son. I stand next to him when he takes his medications. He has some very magical ways of having them in his mouth...Me seeing them in his mouth and then me finding them in his pocket. I check his mouth. I have no idea how he does it.

When he refuses to take them I cannot force him. I could hound him all day and all night, causing nothing but a fight. He goes no where. He doesn't leave the house.

I DO take all of your wonderful advice to heart and try so hard. It may work for a while, then it does not. He is very clever and it is just difficult.

I do not have the pleasure of staying at home. I must work. And my work is either midnight to noon (in which case I am not home in the morning) or noon to midnight (in which case I am not home after school or bed time). He is supervised at all times. I may not be the one with him but he is supervised.

If I wasn't at the end of the rope, or so stressed out from trying so hard, and doing so much..I wouldn't need support. I would't need advice. If I had "rhino skin" then it wouldn't hurt, and wouldn't bother me, so again...wouldn't need support.

I misunderstood this board I guess. I thought it was for support. And believe me, I have taken so much of your advice and used it on a daily basis. What works for one may not work for another. Same with medication. We are still looking for the medication's that will work. difficult child is not a text book kid, or text book difficult child...so what works for so many of you, just does not always work for us.

I will be leaving now. Thank you all so much for your years of advice.

kathy

 

[klmno]

We all have those moments...I've had my share, too so I hope you will rethink this. I'm not familiar with what has happened, other than your post here, but I think sometimes people give us advice that is well-meaning but at a time when we are really looking for support and advice that we should have done something differently feels like criticism.

As far as medications, discipline, therapy, or anything else regarding our kids, all we can do is look thru the board for ideas and try what we think might work and pass by the rest, maybe to look at again at a later point in time. I know you know that already- it sounds like more than anything, your feelings are hurt and you feel somewhat "beaten down" in general right now.

((HUGS)) Take a break if you need to but remember that you can always come here and vent and tell us these things- just like you have done.

 

[MyFriendKita]

As someone whose difficult child was also very good at acting like he was taking medications when he was not, I totally understand where you're coming from. And as I said on your other post, I think most people here are trying to help, but there are a few who come across as mean-spirited (to put it nicely). They seem to enjoy attacking other posters. I've been on this board for a very long time (under a different name), but mostly just lurk for that very reason. You're not the first person to be driven away by that kind of thing. I'm sorry you've been treated so badly.

 

[TerryJ2]

Kathy, I hope you come back to read the responses.

I had to chuckle at your description of the way your son hides his medications ... in his mouth, in the chair, where ever. You sure my son isn't living with-you?

For all the times I have complained about my husband, at least I had a husband to fall back on, as mismatched as we have been at times. Even if he isn't dealing with-difficult child as I would like, he has offered me the opportunity to run out for hot chocolate, go for a walk, or just have a good cry.
I hope that you can get some respite by "tag-team-parenting" with-your husband, if only on occasion.
Not to mention that you have to work. That's a real killer.

I will say that there is a lot to be said for consistency. Even when I didn't think it worked, it did in the long run. It is just so hard, when you're beaten down to the ground and just want to sleep for 3 wks. It's a matter of being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when difficult child can't see any light or tunnel at all. No matter how much we parents hate it, we are the ones in charge and it s*cks. So we keep going and going.
Sometimes I pretend I'm a robot. Or that I'm watching a really bad TV show and can't turn it off. ANYTHING to detach.

I am sure you will be back. You've been here for so long ...

I have left the board, too, but for short times, just to "take a breather." Sometimes I read one response that doesn't sit right with-me, and I wonder what the heck I'm doing here. Then I read the other 229,731 responses that are on target and I remember why I'm here.

And when people aren't responding to me, they are responding to others' posts, and I get really good ideas from them.

The wording on the home page says, "Take what you need and leave the rest." That is so true.

In the meantime, take a break from the board. Take a nap (take a vacation, for heaven's sake!!!!). Learn whose responses to ignore and whose to take to heart.
And most of all, learn to trust yourself. YOU're the mom. We can't know everything. In fact, reading through your post, I was reminded of some things I'd forgotten. Heck, I forget what's going on in my own life.

Remember that there are about 1,000 people on this board, and about 40 who are very active. Imagine how hard it is go get along with-your own family, friends and coworkers. Multiply that. There is simply no way way that everyone will get along, that everyone will have the same philosophy, that everyone will be on the same page.

So, again, take what you need, and leave the rest.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. I've been at the end of my rope, too. I know how it feels.

 

[Shari]

Just sending an understanding hug.

 

[gcvmom]

I'm so sorry you're feeling misunderstood. We'll still be here for you if you need us.

(((Hugs)))

 

[KTMom91]

I do understand where you're coming from. I left once, years ago, but managed to find my way back. No one knows how hard you've tried more than you do. Does that make sense? Anyway, sending comforting hugs.

 

[DammitJanet]

Kjs...Im sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you will reconsider your decision and just take a break if you so desire.

I can tell you that even I have had my feelings hurt from time to time on here. I think most of us have. We cant get like everyone all the time.

 

[ML]

Oh K, I love you and you are part of this family. I too have had my feelings hurt and realized that I wasn't always understood or that occasionally some individuals flat out disagreed with me. It does hurt when that happens but we move on because we realize that beyond the differences that might separate us, the love, respect and acceptance that binds us is so much greater. Hang in there and trust your instincts as a warrior mom. There is no one right way to get through this and one size doesn't fit all. Love, ML

 

[Andy]

Please stay! I have had you and your difficult child in my thoughts and prayers.

Some people have a hard time in writing their input in a supportive way. I know sometimes I struggle to take the time to make sure what I am saying is written in the most positive way. I never want to hurt or offend anyone. Each person is different and as we stay and read their responses, we get to know their intent and personality better.

None of us know the whole story. We do know that your difficult child is hurting and in turn that is breaking your heart. We are spinning our wheels to come up with ideas also.

I would hope that some of the "harsher" responses you have received were only meant for you to stop and consider whatever the responder was thinking about. "You should follow the doctor's orders" - I think I did see that one on one of your threads. I would take that as, "If you are struggling to decide what to do, focus on what the doctor is advising." You don't have to, but that would be one person's input.

I think in the same thread was also, "You look to much to others for advise and directions" (or something like that). To me, that one was uplifting your own confidence. It sounded like that person was saying that she does believe in YOUR decisions and you should not worry about how others will react. This is YOUR son and YOU do know best. Plow forward with YOUR plan and the others can jump on board if they want - no need to wait for their permission.

It would be wonderful if we could always be assured that any negative input we are getting back is not meant to be an attack on what we are doing. For the most part, I do feel that it is meant to give IDEAS and SUPPORT. Sometimes people might get excited with a, "I know exactly what she has to do ......." and in that excitement, the advise may sound more like orders. I tend to be one of those people. I know so little about this world of our difficult child's that when I do think I have something to contribute I am like a little kid interrupting the teacher with "Pick me! Pick me!" I would hope that most people are really not meaning to come across at dictating to you what will solve your problems.

Those people with difficult child's in their family do know the social and academic challenges of raising a difficult child. difficult child's are not cookie cutter people. They also come in a large no-two alike group. They have a hard time making friends. They have a hard time studying or doing homework. Not because they are not smart, but because they just have a hard time managing the information (that is what my difficult child's neuropsychologist result was). And those in turn start to affect their self-esteem. When you don't feel good, or good about yourself, you tend to make bad choices or not be motivated to work for what you want.

Your difficult child's headaches do make his case unique in that this board has not heard of kids with such a painful symptom. I do understand your fears. My difficult child had so many symptoms before he was diagnosed - chest pains, a few headaches (not to your extent), didn't feel like he was getting enough air to breath, etc. etc. We were having EVERY medical thing ruled out. You have to because as one doctor told me, just because he has anxiety doesn't mean he cann't get other health issues.

I have been outright attacked on this board but that was on a non-difficult child issue. I really think that if someone is so opposed to something, it is sometimes best not to reply at all. If we can not be supportive, best not to bring it up here. We all live such different lives with different values. None more right or more important then another.

You are correct that this board is suppose to be a soft place to land to receive support. Everyone should only be giving input for the support of the poster. When that input seems to be something negative, it must be turned around and given in the most positive gentle way possible.

 

[Wiped Out]

Kjs,
I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and misunderstood. I agree with ML, you are a part of our family. As in any family, there are times when people disagree. This is suppose to be our soft place to land. I think what comes off in type sometimes is easy to misunderstand because it's just print; you can't see facial reactions or hear the tone people are speaking with. When I feel that I've been misunderstood, I try to look at it from the point of view that we are here to support one another and they are well meaning even if it sometimes doesn't come across that way. I hope that if you need a break you'll come back after that break. You will be missed. Hugs.

 

[totoro]

I also don't know what happened but I understand and hope you find a way to come back.
Because even if you don't want to ask for help you always have something to offer.

None of us have the answer for each other. The brain is a mystery. I have seen heated arguments over if someone has the correct diagnosis... because someone feels a child can't have this diagnosis or that.
Or this child must take this medication or that...
You must go to the same type of therapy as me because it is the best one!
Well Mental Health Science and Psychology and the sciences in general when it comes to medications and diagnosis's change they change monthly yearly....
Every time you look there is a new paper published or book!

If anyone truly had the answer we wouldn't all be searching at various moments in our lives. Our kids wouldn't all be suffering at various moments in their lives.
Most of our kids have not been cured or fixed.
We only have ideas. We only have suggestions.

I can't understand why one would get upset if you continue to come here to let it out.
So what if you do something else? Maybe we are wrong? Your path is yours... you have to figure it out on your own and should be able to come here and get support.
You have had a really tough time this past year and you have come a long way.
I could never know your full story nor how far you have come.
Try to go easy on yourself I hope things get easier one day soon.

I believe that most here are truly supportive and want to help.

 

[muttmeister]

I'm sorry you're feeling stressed and upset. Lord knows, we have enough to deal with with our difficult children without having to deal with problems from people who are supposed to be helping us. I don't know exactly what the whole problem is (I'm pretty much oblivious to a lot of stuff) but I hope you'll know that most of us here are wanting to help and have been where you are. My difficult children are pretty much grown now but over the years I received some good advice, some bad advice, and some things that left me scratching my head in bafflement. Only you know your situation and only you can deal with it. Our situations are different; we can share what we have learned but that doesn't mean it's going to apply to your situation. I hope you won't give up on all of us; sending understanding hugs and support for whatever you choose.

 

[timer lady]

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling supported; know that we are attempting to be supportive. Also know that what we write may not come across as though we'd be talking in person.

I can't think of one person here who would judge you - we don't walk in your shoes 24/7. I can't imagine your home just like you can't know what happens here.

Saying that, sometimes I just don't know what to say & I personally don't think a response of ((((hugs)))) is appropriate.

Do what you must do, K. It's a personal choice; one that many have made. Know that many people here care.

 

[everywoman]

"Criticism should be like a gentle rain that nourishes growth, not a torrential storm that washes away roots. No matter how well intended, words of criticism are heard more loudly than they are spoken, especially when the critic is someone whose approval is important. If you want to help, not hurt, think carefully about timing, tone and content." Michael Josephson (from Character Counts)

Stole this from a friend. Thought we could all use a reminder about what we say and how we hear it.

 

[nvts]

Kathy! I don't know what's gone on - I've been neglecting and feeling neglected myself lately (not necessarily with the board - just life in general I guess!), so if I've said or done something, I sincerely apologize!

I got my hand slapped on the General forum by a newbie the other day and was just ready to wrap it up and I thought about BBK's response to almost ALL people that were starting out with us: take what helps and leave what doesn't.

I've given up on pretty much all of it right now. difficult child 1 has been a major creep in every sense of the word. AH (aka husband) has pushed me to such a limit that the first chance I get to talk to him while the kids are out of the house,I'm telling him I want OUT!

I've applied for "Intensive Intervention" to come in and help me see what I'm doing wrong - isn't it sick that we all look to see what we're doing wrong, yet we know that there are so many contributing factors involved?

I'm packing up my toys and going home. I just don't want to play anymore!

Feel better Kathy and again, if I offended, I'm deeply sorry!

Beth

 

[Lothlorien]

Maybe it's just time for a break from the board. Sometimes, it's just the best to take a break. The stress that we all encounter with our kids is a lot to deal with. Sometimes, when we type, our stress comes out too. Sometimes, when we read, since it's the written word without tone or inflection, we can misinterpret someone's meanings. AND sometimes, with just one post, the rest of the thread goes into a certain direction that might feel hurtful. No one has the intention of hurting someone else on the board. We all hurt enough.

I remember the struggles you were going through with your husband last year. I'm really glad you got into counseling. I hope you are doing well and your marriage is strengthening.

Take a break, but don't disappear.

 

[1905]

I wish you peace and just for the record,I hid my medicine in my mouth 3 days ago, and threw it in the trash when nobody was looking. It's easy to hide it if you want to. I'm sorry for the troubles you have at home, and even more sorry you aren't getting what you need here. ((((HUGS)))) and an understanding ear from me. I'm sorry.- Alyssa

 

[klmno]

I think Loth brings up a good point regarding a thread turning and going in a certain direction. I have noticed that sometimes when one person just expresses an opinion in a non-judgeemental way, sometimes others come along and kind of want to support that opinion, I suppose, but to the original poster, this sometimes comes across like she's being ganged up on and that the one point is being harped on. I'm not sure what the answer is because on the one hand, it can be good to know if several people share that point of view, but on the other hand, if an idea is thrown out there once, it doesn't always seem necessary for others to come along and say the same thing over and over.

Think of it like this- if one person suggests to a friend that a specific but different hair style would probably look great on her, it can be helpful to know if others share that opinion. But it isn't very helpful if that becomes one person aafter another saying the same thing in different ways so that it turns into "that hair style would look better than your current one" and then "your hair looks horrible the way it is".

 

[totoro]

No-body better tell me my hair looks bad!!!
(I have very frizzy difficult hair) LOL

Loth does make a good point.
Hang in there. You will be missed if you need to take a break, but I fully understand.