Just got back from visiting my son at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC)

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
"Wherever we go, there we are."
I love this quote. But, SWOT, again, the "we" who are there is an amalgam of genes, choice and cultural influences, familial included.

There is a Russian Psychologist of the early 20th century, Vygotsky, who believed all humans are programmed without any real consciousness or possibility of it until they get to their late 20's to early 30's. He would say it is culture that programs us not genetics. But he believed we are very malleable based on insight and learning, if we choose to be.
 

PiscesMom

Active Member
Genetics is huge. I did not have good parents, but I dont blame them for my relentless mood disorder and terrible anxiety other than passing some bad genes that are in my family tree.

I am an adoptive mom of three and and amazed by how different they are from myself and each other, although I raised them the same. One is a creatively gifted and smart and shy young adult who loves to cook and has a real knack for knowing just the right touches. She is also my most adventurous and did do drugs once. She did NOT get any of that that from me...lol. One is calm, level headed and always had her head screwed on right and is a gifted athlete. Didnt get that from me or her dad. One is on the autism spectrum and so calm, loving, sweet and hardworking...we hear how wonderful he is all the time. He is unique.

My bio. Son is brilliant but hampered by severe anxiety and had such bad Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)) once he couldnt finush college. But his son will. There are many brilliant people un my family and very nervous ones too. He is so like his DNA family, but more prone to being unhapoy than my other kids.He is also very successful in his work life and never shuts up, like me...lol.

It is interesting.

I have close relationships with all my kids. They are all like me in certain ways, but I think its coincidence. I value them all for the different and wonderful people they are snd the many gifts they all have, but they are very different. I love them equally and would die for any of them.
Environment counts too bit in my opinion not as much.

I have been a NAMI member for years.

Just my usual worthless .o2.
don't say worthless! it was very interesting, and helps me get away from Mommy guilt. Thank you!
 

PiscesMom

Active Member
My message to you is to try not to worry. I do not think much can be known for sure yet. I would try to keep an open mind. I know how hard it is.

UPDATE - his diagnosis is now "major depression w possible psychotic features

Diagnoses have a lot of subjectivity. Each clinician has to put something, even after a few minutes interview.
I would try not to worry about this, either. My own son did not show either responsibility or compassion for years, and I worried too that he had lost his conscience. Now 27, it is clear that the fears were unwarranted. My son also has serious diagnoses. As he gets older I believe he is outgrowing some of it, or maybe that is the wrong word. Maybe it is he is learning how to cope better and his motivation to act more responsibly is moderating the influence of his symptoms. He is working better with what he has.
There is so much left to happen for your son. I know how hard this is. So much has yet to unfold. Try to ease your worry.
My son did too, when he was 22. I was so afraid.
What is there that you should face? It sounds to me that your son has issues that have not been nailed down. And he is very young. There is every possibility that he will overcome this. I do not see yet there is anything to accept with finality.

Now the brain injury can be something serious, but often not. Have the doctors identified lasting effects? Are they linking his current symptoms to the brain injury?

My son had a serious brain injury. When I told his therapist about it, she wanted to attribute his symptoms to the brain injury. (This infuriated me. Just because he had a brain injury does not mean the brain injury caused his anxiety or lability. He was this way before the brain injury.) Sure enough, now that he is maturing he is less labile. But he is still anxious. He has always been anxious.

Personally, I do not necessarily have a great deal of confidence in psychiatry and psychology. I have more confidence in our kids, in their ability to little to mature and to learn to accept life and deal with it.

I have had a very hard time accepting my son's limitations. I have had a very hard time accepting that my son would be so impaired that he could not have a full and complete life. It looks as if all of this was for naught.

My son is doing better, and I realize that that is all I ever really needed and wanted. He is seeing himself change and he on his own terms is deciding what his values are and he is finding his own motivation.

What I accepted or did not accept had no bearing on anything at all. Our children decide what and when, on their own timetable and terms.

My son's birth parents had AIDS. They were drug users and homeless. Each had some kind of psychiatric diagnosis. When my son was diagnosed as mentally ill, became homeless, was hospitalized and went on SSI, I feared, too, that history was repeating itself. It was not.

Sometimes our kids for a time feel the need to walk the path of a parent. In the case of my own son he is choosing another way now. I see this. Even still, when there is backsliding I fall back into fear and dread. I become as big or a bigger problem.

You refer to acceptance. Which is different from fear and dread. But accepting something that is not yet known and confirmed, is really accepting the worst case when the jury is still out. To me, it is not the best thing for either you or for your son.

It may become necessary down the road to accept something that has been confirmed and re-comfirmed by both multiple diagnoses, over time, and by confirmatory behavior by your son, over time, but I do not thing that time is here.
I think you are right. I like to "awfulize" things. And I do have anxiety. The truth is he is doing very well. He was very sweet during our visit. I had a good time, and I miss him. Thank you - I have been told that I tend to see things in black and white...and I worry, and go to worst case easily. Actually, the brain injury is not really being discussed. He was hit by a car, and took at least 6 weeks to recover. That was six weeks with him resting a lot, six weeks with blankets over the windows because light hurt him. But the neuropsychologist reports said his behavior was not related. I don't know about that - I saw a dramatic change. Maybe it was many things. I left a message with his main therapist and maybe we will talk Saturday. I don't really think they are looking at the head injury. Just seeing him smile and having time with him was so nice.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I don't know about that - I saw a dramatic change.
My son had a brain injury too.

He got so angry at the hospital that Security intervened. When I look back at it, I think he was very, very scared. So was I.
Just seeing him smile and having time with him was so nice.
I know how hard it is to take the great moments just as they are. To not get scared that the worst thing will happen, and we will lose them.

There has been so much fear and dread. It is so hard to trust in the moment. I am speaking here for me.
 

PiscesMom

Active Member
thank you for all your replies. i have read and reread. it has been a long week! emotions everywhere. lots to process. Now i am wondering if he is even so "bad." i am SO GRATEFUL to all of you - and to the wealthy school district that sent him there. (ex's district).
 

PiscesMom

Active Member
My message to you is to try not to worry. I do not think much can be known for sure yet. I would try to keep an open mind. I know how hard it is.

UPDATE - his diagnosis is now "major depression w possible psychotic features

Diagnoses have a lot of subjectivity. Each clinician has to put something, even after a few minutes interview.
I would try not to worry about this, either. My own son did not show either responsibility or compassion for years, and I worried too that he had lost his conscience. Now 27, it is clear that the fears were unwarranted. My son also has serious diagnoses. As he gets older I believe he is outgrowing some of it, or maybe that is the wrong word. Maybe it is he is learning how to cope better and his motivation to act more responsibly is moderating the influence of his symptoms. He is working better with what he has.
There is so much left to happen for your son. I know how hard this is. So much has yet to unfold. Try to ease your worry.
My son did too, when he was 22. I was so afraid.
What is there that you should face? It sounds to me that your son has issues that have not been nailed down. And he is very young. There is every possibility that he will overcome this. I do not see yet there is anything to accept with finality.

Now the brain injury can be something serious, but often not. Have the doctors identified lasting effects? Are they linking his current symptoms to the brain injury?

My son had a serious brain injury. When I told his therapist about it, she wanted to attribute his symptoms to the brain injury. (This infuriated me. Just because he had a brain injury does not mean the brain injury caused his anxiety or lability. He was this way before the brain injury.) Sure enough, now that he is maturing he is less labile. But he is still anxious. He has always been anxious.

Personally, I do not necessarily have a great deal of confidence in psychiatry and psychology. I have more confidence in our kids, in their ability to little to mature and to learn to accept life and deal with it.

I have had a very hard time accepting my son's limitations. I have had a very hard time accepting that my son would be so impaired that he could not have a full and complete life. It looks as if all of this was for naught.

My son is doing better, and I realize that that is all I ever really needed and wanted. He is seeing himself change and he on his own terms is deciding what his values are and he is finding his own motivation.

What I accepted or did not accept had no bearing on anything at all. Our children decide what and when, on their own timetable and terms.

My son's birth parents had AIDS. They were drug users and homeless. Each had some kind of psychiatric diagnosis. When my son was diagnosed as mentally ill, became homeless, was hospitalized and went on SSI, I feared, too, that history was repeating itself. It was not.

Sometimes our kids for a time feel the need to walk the path of a parent. In the case of my own son he is choosing another way now. I see this. Even still, when there is backsliding I fall back into fear and dread. I become as big or a bigger problem.

You refer to acceptance. Which is different from fear and dread. But accepting something that is not yet known and confirmed, is really accepting the worst case when the jury is still out. To me, it is not the best thing for either you or for your son.

It may become necessary down the road to accept something that has been confirmed and re-comfirmed by both multiple diagnoses, over time, and by confirmatory behavior by your son, over time, but I do not thing that time is here.
Copa - you are totally right. Just got off the phone w his therapist. He is slightly on the spectrum. Things are good. They actually are looking very good. He is going to live "off campus" for a little bit - the challenge is living within the law. He has not had any behaviors at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Well, i won't write a novel here - but all the doom and gloom i got into was just that.
 
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