Just gotta vent...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by loricbme, Jul 31, 2007.

  1. loricbme

    loricbme New Member

    Yesterday I brought up to hubby about pursuing more info about difficult child. That things haven't got better over the past few years, that things are worse. That she is in school now and things will only get worse for her if she doesn't get some help. I do not want her to become a social outcast. His response was..."Ok, I understand but...She is not going on medications... ever" If any of you read my post a few days ago when I wrote that I hadn't told husband that difficult child went to my counseling appointment. and counselor said, "she has ADD written all over her". I predicted this exact response. He is not active at all in trying to find help for her. He leaves all of that up to me along with every household duty. He would not read The Explosive Child even though I highly recommended he read it.

    So, my big vent is this... He said, "I think you're just doing this to try to get out of going back to work because it is going to take you time to research and see doctors" WTF??? Are you kidding me? Does he think I really WANT to do all of this? I lost my job 3 years ago when difficult child was 4 and we decided to try me staying home with difficult child since she was first starting to show signs that there were problems. Might I also add that husband doesn't help me do anything at home. It's all up to me whether I'm working outside of the home or not. I just cannot understand his thinking.

    Thanks for reading this vent.

    Lori
     
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is a common male point of view.

    Not saying it is right or wrong, but common.

    Not sure what to say to help you other than you will do what is best for your child.
     
  3. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Hi Lori. Sorry you and your husband aren't on the same page with this. I can SO relate. My husband doesn't do anything much around the house either, his idea of cleaning is when things pile up on the floor from easy child playing and crafting - sweep everything into a pile to the side so it's out of his way and leave it there. I mean everything, toys, paper, dirt and dust, all in one pile. I refuse to do the garbage and yardwork though, I told him when he got a gas mower I don't DO gas mowers, so I evened it out a bit there.

    When it came to difficult child and his problems really started at school when he was 7, my husband didn't get involved. He would make comments, usually negative, and say no medications, no way. What I finally did was told him to get involved, step up, or step out of the way, I would be making any and all decisions regarding the kids. If all the meetings, phone calls and appointments were left up to me, it would all be my decision. He's never gotten much involved unless they stated they wanted him at an appointment, but if he wasn't needed and I couldn't get the time off work it was seldom he'd take difficult child, I usually had to reschedule. He wasn't happy when difficult child was on medications, but they helped him and that's all I needed. I do wish husband had made the other choice and stepped up instead of stepping out, but it did make for less arguing between he and I.

    I think most husband's are in denial that there may be something different about THEIR kid, something they can't fix themselves. Until it becomes such a big problem they can't deny it anymore. Do the research, leave printouts, pamphlets etc. laying around near where your husband sits. Maybe he'll pick one up and read it and see these things in your difficult child. Heck, leave the Explosive Child in the bathroom (my husband HAS to have something to read in there LOL) and maybe he'll pick it up and read parts at least. Hope your husband can come around before your difficult child struggles for too long in school and elsewhere. I know my difficult child's problems really took off in grade 2 when he was 7, and I've read a lot of other kids started having much more problems then too. The more she struggles, the more resistant she'll become to school in my opinion, because to her it won't be a fun place to be.

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
     
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Not to be negative, but I see this a lot on the board and it never ceases to amaze me; and it always makes me so glad that I'm single. When it comes to my kids, noone - not even their dad - is going to come between me and what's best for them.

    I really like the way 'Chelle handled it...and it makes a lot of sense. You don't get to not have any of the responsibility, but all of the decision making. It doesn't work that way.

    by the way, 'Chelle, things with my difficult child started to really escalate in grade 2, as well. The school refused to do anything and it would be years yet before we had anything resembling a diagnosis (although she was in therapy at the time) and she is now the school refusal queen, on top of all the time she has spent at or near crisis level.

    The sooner you get a handle on what is going on with your kiddo, the better off she and you will be.
     
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I'm in Heather's club.


    It's not a "I hate men" club. Really it's not. I love me some men. But I'm perfectly content not having to live with, deal with, compromise with, fight with, blahblahblah...a man. Losing battle, every time.

    I'll just sit back and look at Johnny Depp or whoever and marvel at how hot he is. And then do things in MY house all by MYself.

    Anyways, it needs to be addressed, however you choose to rectify it. Good luck!
     
  6. loricbme

    loricbme New Member

    Johnny Depp... Matthew McConnauhey... ahhhhhh me likey!

    I've always said that if anything were to happen with-husband and I that I'd never get married again. Too much work. I just don't have it in me to go through it again!

    Yes, I think Chelle did put it well when she wrote 'step up or step out of the way.' husband knows I'm very independent and will do what I think is necessary. He's the kind of guy who likes for people to do everything for him. But you're right that he wants to make the decisions without the responsibility. I think I will leave some reading material in the bathroom. Heck, he can go through an entire newspaper, why not a chapter in a book??? I know he'd hate to see difficult child struggle with school but I can see it in the future. Especially socially. Personally, I think he's mostly in denial. And I think he realizes that the majority of mental illness in our families comes from his side. He could feel guilty. It's intersting because his sister is bipolar and he has no tolerance for her. Never really has. Like everything about her disease is her fault and she can control everything it does to her. I think she just needs support. Because she is working on it the best she can with talk therapy and medications. I'm sure it's got to be very difficult to live with. He's probably scared, and that's ok. I'm scared too!
     
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You stay away from Matthew.
     
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I'll let you gawk at Johnny.

    My true love is Toby Keith. Y'all stay away from him.
     
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    You two can fight it out over Matthew. Orlando Bloom is all mine.
     
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hey, wait a minute. Matthew is MINE!!!

    Anyway, decide how you want to handle husband. Are you going to let him set edicts with- no info? Are you going to ignore him? Or are you slowly going to try to bring him into the situation? You may need marriage counselling to help with this.

    The first time my difficult child took adhd medications he had to go to a soccer game right after. medications were MY decision. I researched them, saw the docs, etc... husband was skeptical of the need for medications, but was realizing that we would all be miserable if something didn't change. And that if he didn't support the decisions I made HE would be twice as miserable. If he wanted to challenge a decision, he needed some supporting documentation to back him up (not just a feeling, or an I've decided, I wanted to know HOW he got to that point). Anyway, I gave difficult child the medications, then sent him to the game with husband and Jess. I stayed home, hard, but really wanted husband to see the difference. difficult child had a great game, husband came home raving about how well difficult child had done, and the coach told him that whatever we had done meda a huge difference and to NOT stop doing it. My husband never gave me medication static after thant.

    Sometimes the guys just won't get on board. It is sad, but it happens.

    My husband had NO positive reaction to the Explosive Child. I then left Love and Logic books around. They really "clicked" with him. Made a big difference in how he treated the kids. I have several friends who had better luck with Love and Logic than they did with Explosive Child, at least as far as their hubbys.

    Good Luck and Hugs,

    Susie
     
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    None of you can have Johnny. easy child 2/difficult child 2 has dibs on him.

    But to be serious, you have some really good ammunition here with husband. And please be aware, I am not coming from a male-bashing point of view. Even the best marriage does not mean you both have to be in complete agreement or fully informed and understanding each of the other; only that you're prepared to make the effort once you realise that effort must be made.

    You have a choice to accept what he has said (and labelled YOU with) or to not take that rubbish from him and stand up for yourself. Politely, in a friendly but firm manner, but still stand up to it. If my husband is reading this (and I'm sure he is, he always does when he can) then I think he can already predict how I would reply to him if he tried that line with me.

    "Honey, you think I'm getting her assessed to give me a chance to get back to work - frankly, whether you think that or not, I really don't care. As you know, we discussed this and it has been MY choice always, whether to stay home or not. Other mothers of children this age should be able to work at least part-time - you just acknowledged that an assessment could allow me to get a job. This means you accept that there IS a chance she has a diagnosable, treatable disorder.
    She is our child and I know we both love her. But it seems that only I am actually trying to DO anything. Forget my motivation - the end result should be a child given a better chance. Now you're always critical, but I'm the one digging up information which for various reasons, you do not read. I accept that you're busy because you're the breadwinner; that's fine. But you must also accept that I am doing MY job, and let me get on with it without being criticised. If you have serious concerns, then read the information I give you, before you criticise it. That is the professional way to assess the validity of this option or that, as is understood in the workplace.
    I am trying to raise our child as best I can. I'd like you on board with this. I will help by making it short and simple for you, if you like. But if you do not read the information or even listen to it, then don't criticise."

    This is equivalent to an office manager being told of new safety regulations coming into force and then refusing to acquaint himself with them because he feels he's been in the job long enough to know what he's doing, thank you very much. And when someone files a safety complaint against him because he did not follow those new safety regulations, he has absolutely not got a leg to stand on. Nothing can justify this negligence. Not even an inability to read - he could have got someone else to read it to him, or even delegated the implementation of the safety procedures. But as manager, it is HIS responsibility.

    Your daughter is your joint responsibility. If he has delegated it to you in the past then he cannot complain now, if you are moving in a different direction. He is going to have to run to catch up, familiarising himself with all the landmarks and features of the landscape along the way. fast track learning - or shut up and let you do it yourself, and GIVE YOU CREDIT for the professional hours you put into your child.

    Stand up for yourself. You are a good parent. He is an ostrich, in that he is sticking his head in the sand. NOT like an ostrich, in that he does nothing for his child except pay for the food on the table and the roof over the heads.

    And a final suggested compromise with your husband - offer to explain "The Explosive Child" methods to him, and/or to give him a summary of it.
    For his own reasons, my husband couldn't read it either. But he did listen while I explained it to him and he has followed my lead (it has taken time and we make mistakes still). My husband is a good man who recognises and values what I do, even though I do sometimes have to remind him when he and we have been having a really bad day in our respective jobs (as in, me with the kids).

    But me writing a summary, or explaining it to him - that was valuable to ME, as well as him, because it helped to really lock the information and techniques into my head. End result- valuable to the kids, too.

    Of course my husband was sceptical. So was I, at first. But it is seeing the way it works, recognising it in action, that slowly makes its way into the brain that this method, when adapted to the particular child, can and often does help.

    As for the "no medications" - would he refuse to give your child insulin, should it turn out that they have Type 1 diabetes? Of what if your daughter is diagnosed bipolar?
    My response to that - "Then it's a good thing that you have handed responsibility over to me, because I at least will have informed understanding before a decision as black and white as that is made."

    He can also have informed understanding, but he'd better get a move on. It was HIS choice to remain ignorant, not yours to keep him in the dark. DO NOT let him dump this back on you or blame you in any way. DO NOT take any of this rubbish on board personally. And when you CAN keep your emotional distance from the hurt he is trying to throw your way, you will find you can cope with his diatribes much more easily. DO NOT be afraid of making him angry but similarly, do not goad him. He is a father who loves his daughter and finds it hard to accept there is anything wrong with her. It hurts him to hear of the possibility. It's easier to blame you for doing a bad job.

    And the last resort - one my sister used with great success - if he continues to insist that you've been doing a bad job, then challenge him to do better. YOU go back to the paid workforce while HE becomes the house parent. Set ground rules - he must do everything he expected you to do. No leaving the housework entirely for you to come home to. It has to be a complete swap - he has to deal with the school and phone calls, he has to make sure that she gets to all her after-school activities. HE has to look after the washing, the cooking, the shopping... My sister successfully swapped with her husband after he had been complaining that the house was never tidy. And, surprise surprise! He came up with the goods. The house was tidy, he did the washing, shopping, ironing, SOME of the cooking and all the running around and did it well, better than my sister had. And he was happy doing it. And she was happier back at work. AND she could earn more than him so they did better financially (a bonus).

    I've known other couples to do this for a year each at a time. In about half the cases at least, the husband has ended up choosing to remain the house parent, doing odd jobs in the neighbourhood when the kids are at school. One of these fathers began our Community Garden and even though their children are now in high school, he goes to the local primary school and talks to them about the community garden they can see in the school grounds. He discovered an interest and a talent for something very different and has made a success of it (and their children).

    It mightn't work like this, but be prepared to follow through if he takes up the challenge. Support him (as he never supported you) and this will SHOW him how to behave (which is how Ross Greene's stuff works).

    And if all else fails - use the Ross Greene methods on husband!

    Marg
     
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