Just great:(

[Wiped Out]

Now for my difficult child post. difficult child has been a major pita this weekend! I thought having only one child at home would help. Most of the day yesterday he was rude, threatening, and disrespectful. husband thought it might help him to have his friend come over as they are usually calm together. He didn't know I already had said no to difficult child and decided this when I was gone to church (he had been out shopping). I understand where husband was coming from but it isn't working out so well.

In my other post I mention that easy child /difficult child is out of the house for the weekend at a retreat for a class she is taking at school. difficult child and his friend have been awake since 2:00. I haven't wanted to give either their medications too early because then they start wearing off sooner.

Anywho... to the point. This morning I could hear them in easy child/difficult child's room-a huge NO in our house as easy child/difficult child really needs a space that is non difficult child related. difficult child and friend found a lighter and according to difficult child a pack of cigarettes (I'm not sure about the cigarette part because when he handed me the lighter he first told me that he is worried she might be smoking and then later changed his story to there is also a pack of cigarettes-which I haven't seen yet and I think since he handed me the lighter the cigarettes would have been handed over as well).

difficult child kept trying to make this about easy child/difficult child that he is worried about her. He says he went in there to feed her fish (another things she would not be happy about). Of course, that is his excuse (and hopefully he didn't overfeed them) but he found the lighter in her closet-hmmm the fish aren't in there are they difficult child?

He was screaming at me for being upset with him and at one point lightly shoved me-still lightly or not he should not be doing it at all (thankfully I wasn't on my crutches as I am supposed to be or I could have been hurt even from the light shove).

Aside from everything he did wrong, I'm not quite sure how to handle things right now. We are hoping this would be a weekend where easy child/difficult child might start to change. Personally I was hoping maybe she would start letting go of some of her anger (especially at him). If she finds out he was in there she is going to explode (and I wouldn't blame her). If that happens I think any progress she made will be gone in a second.

I'm thinking about putting the lighter back (if she is smoking now as much as I wish she wouldn't she is almost an adult and I can't stop her) and hoping she doesn't find out. Do you think this is the right thing to do? It's possible she'll find out anyways because who knows what else they did in there (not to mention hopefully he didn't kill the fish from overfeeding). Plus, in anger he may tell her he did it. What to do?

 

[ML]

Gosh that's a tough one. I don't think I would keep the truth from her because these things always have a way of coming out and then you'd have to deal with what she may feel are betrayal and trust issues. This one incident won't make or break the relationship between them. I totally get why you would want to keep this one secret but somehow I think you're more likely to collapse from trying to stop that oncoming train of the inevitible. It is unlikely this will be the last thing he does that sets her off.

I am disappointed along with you that it wasn't a more peaceful weekend.

 

[exhausted]

I think I'd tell her the truth. I'd ask her to calmly and assertively tell difficult child just how much she hates him in her things and its a violation of her privacy. He needs to know that his behaviors cause everybody to be upset.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

This is a tough one but I think I would tell easy child/difficult child the truth too. If you try to hide this and she finds out about it, I agree with ML that this could cause betrayal and trust issues between the two of you. Even though what difficult child did is totally unacceptable, I don't think this one incident is going to be the one thing that permanently destroys their relationship.

I think either you and husband or at least one of you needs to be present when difficult child confesses to easy child/difficult child that he was in her room, went through her things, and fed her fish. She has every right to be furious and difficult child needs to hear this. However, it doesn't give her the right to be verbally abusive, etc... You or husband will have to mediate this so it doesn't escalate to an unsafe point.

If easy child/difficult child's fish die, I think difficult child should be made to do chores, etc. to earn money to replace them.

So sorry you've had such a rough weekend! Thinking of you... SFR

 

[Fran]

I wouldn't say anything. She will know. If she asks, I would tell her the truth but I think hitting her with the truth as soon as she walks in will diminish what she achieved this past weekend.
Besides if she is smoking she will go into defensive mode. My thinking is "what happens when the kids aren't home doesn't have to be shared". I wouldn't lie though.
Nothing terrible happened other than the fish.
If easy child difficult child is upset, offer to have a key lock put on her bedroom so she has her privacy. One key for you and one key for easy child/difficult child.

 

[Wiped Out]

She's home and she noticed it right away (you were right Fran). She noticed because of the fish food. We told her the truth and told her difficult child is getting a consequence. She was mad and did yell at difficult child but did say she wasn't as mad as she would have been if the fish had died. Overall, it wasn't as bad as I imagined it could have been.

 

[Fran]

Yay! Hope the weekend helps her move on in her emotional growth.