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Substance Abuse
Just had son arrested.
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 615489" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Deerhunter,</p><p></p><p>you've gotten some really good advice from others on this thread. Please, please hold the line. I'm worried now about your wife as the loose cannon. It is so so hard to deal with our own parental distress, and the cure to it is right in sight...step in! save the day! help the boy! be the loving parent we have always been!</p><p></p><p>but that won't work here.</p><p></p><p>my 19 year old is in jail too. He calls me 5, 6, 7, times a day. I could post bail and have him out on Thursday. He promises to pay me back take his medications, work with a caseworker, give me his bankcard (he gets SSI) to pay me back....</p><p></p><p>I want to hear it all. He didn't have freckles, but he was chubby with big bear paws and he had a face-splitting smile. I remember all that very very clearly. It hurts my heart. But that kid wasn't in jail....this man is. He got himself there. He walked a clear path that was going to end up in jail and voila. Nothing magic happened. He seems surprised and feels wronged, but actually it all worked out predictably.</p><p></p><p>And that is what is happening with your son. It is hard to get a job with a felony, but that is water under the bridge...he is a felon. He steals and uses hard drugs. That is on him. He can still go to therapy. all his promises can be fulfilled...once he meets the expectations of our society, serves his time, holds up his end. Your wife bailing him out would be infantalizing him, demeaning him, and keeping him in this awful state if irresponsbilibilty longer. Because, Deerhunter, if she does that, he WILL use again, steal again, and go back to jail. They get worse, they don't get better, when we try to spare them the consequences of their actions. That is just the truth.</p><p></p><p>Please tell your wife I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for her images of the freckled boy. I'm sorry for my images of my sweet baby with his smile and his hugs. Its OK to feel that grief. She can sit with it, feel it, hold the pain in her hands right in front of her heart, see it for what it is. Grief, loss, guilt, pain. It isn't something that will be fixed by interfering with his process. It is something for her to live through and manage. When we learn to suffer well we suffer less. She has to allow her suffering without the tempation to cut it short by doing the wrong thing. Her compulsion to help him is the same as his addiction to heroin...it'll feel great for a moment, then it all sucks again.</p><p></p><p>I am also sorry for you as stepdad. That is a hard place, and her hurt can turn to anger at you for any choices you've made that she can perceive as hurting her boy, now or in the past. My SO was in that position with his wife (hahaha he is drawn to women who are trying to save their sons.....that is HIS addiction). He held strong and she could then blame him when he son hurled accusations at her. Her son is kind of an a** but he has a job, has been married for going on 10 years now, goes to parent teacher meetings for his own son and step son....I do not think that would have happened if SO hadn't held the line of not allowing unacceptable behavior, and not rescuing him (he is addicted to helping women, mostly, I think, although he has tried too to help my son within limits)</p><p></p><p>Good luck to you. Welcome here. I usually post on parents emeritus, becuase my son seems to fit better there with his lifelong history of mental illness, but he has substance abuse too, so I'll start watching this page as well.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 615489, member: 17269"] Deerhunter, you've gotten some really good advice from others on this thread. Please, please hold the line. I'm worried now about your wife as the loose cannon. It is so so hard to deal with our own parental distress, and the cure to it is right in sight...step in! save the day! help the boy! be the loving parent we have always been! but that won't work here. my 19 year old is in jail too. He calls me 5, 6, 7, times a day. I could post bail and have him out on Thursday. He promises to pay me back take his medications, work with a caseworker, give me his bankcard (he gets SSI) to pay me back.... I want to hear it all. He didn't have freckles, but he was chubby with big bear paws and he had a face-splitting smile. I remember all that very very clearly. It hurts my heart. But that kid wasn't in jail....this man is. He got himself there. He walked a clear path that was going to end up in jail and voila. Nothing magic happened. He seems surprised and feels wronged, but actually it all worked out predictably. And that is what is happening with your son. It is hard to get a job with a felony, but that is water under the bridge...he is a felon. He steals and uses hard drugs. That is on him. He can still go to therapy. all his promises can be fulfilled...once he meets the expectations of our society, serves his time, holds up his end. Your wife bailing him out would be infantalizing him, demeaning him, and keeping him in this awful state if irresponsbilibilty longer. Because, Deerhunter, if she does that, he WILL use again, steal again, and go back to jail. They get worse, they don't get better, when we try to spare them the consequences of their actions. That is just the truth. Please tell your wife I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for her images of the freckled boy. I'm sorry for my images of my sweet baby with his smile and his hugs. Its OK to feel that grief. She can sit with it, feel it, hold the pain in her hands right in front of her heart, see it for what it is. Grief, loss, guilt, pain. It isn't something that will be fixed by interfering with his process. It is something for her to live through and manage. When we learn to suffer well we suffer less. She has to allow her suffering without the tempation to cut it short by doing the wrong thing. Her compulsion to help him is the same as his addiction to heroin...it'll feel great for a moment, then it all sucks again. I am also sorry for you as stepdad. That is a hard place, and her hurt can turn to anger at you for any choices you've made that she can perceive as hurting her boy, now or in the past. My SO was in that position with his wife (hahaha he is drawn to women who are trying to save their sons.....that is HIS addiction). He held strong and she could then blame him when he son hurled accusations at her. Her son is kind of an a** but he has a job, has been married for going on 10 years now, goes to parent teacher meetings for his own son and step son....I do not think that would have happened if SO hadn't held the line of not allowing unacceptable behavior, and not rescuing him (he is addicted to helping women, mostly, I think, although he has tried too to help my son within limits) Good luck to you. Welcome here. I usually post on parents emeritus, becuase my son seems to fit better there with his lifelong history of mental illness, but he has substance abuse too, so I'll start watching this page as well. Echo [/QUOTE]
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