Just hung up on my 19 year old son...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by wakeupcall, Sep 24, 2014.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    difficult child lives with his father 8 miles away. I've been divorced from his father almost four years. difficult child is in drug rehab per order of the court and I know he was on his way to the meeting this evening. difficult child calls me on the way..." MA, NOW MY SPEAKERS IN THE TRUCK ARE BLOWN AND I THINK YOU AND DAD SHOULD GO TOGETHER AND BUY THEM!" (Loud...)There was no, HI, MOM, no nothing but a demand we spend more money. What?.. I just blasted him and hung up on him. Grrrr. I haven't seen him in three weeks, but we do text, barely. So what gives him the right to call and demand even one thing? I'm beyond sick of the demands. He never starts a conversation with how are you, or whatcha doing, it's an instant demand for something.

    Sorry...just needed to vent....
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    It is frustrating when the only contact they give us is when they want something. Your son had a lot of gall. However, sometimes I think yelling gives them what they want. Then they can say, "Wow, you lost it. You're a bad mother, blah, blah, blah." It took practice, but I learned to stay calm. My son already knows that if he asks me for ANYTHING other than love and emotional support (and in a quiet voice), I will hang up.

    Maybe next time, just say, "If you call me to ask how I'm doing or to shoot the breeze, we can talk. But I've decided to set a boundary and if you ask me for anything like money or toys, I will gently hang up. You are a man now.I can't control your father, but I'm going to treat you like the man that you are and let you learn to take care of your own needs."

    If he screams at you, then do it. Gently hang up. If you keep doing it, without wavering, you won't hear from him to be asked to make a contribution to his personal charity (himself). If you are not in the mood to even see what he wants, and his name comes up on your caller ID, I have personally not answered the phone. I have to be in the mood to possibly put up with abuse and be able to calmly handle it or I let the phone ring forever.

    I'm sorry you were put through that. Be good to yourself tonight. Remember, he WANTS you to be upset. Don't give him what he wants and if he calls back, let it go to voicemail as you already know he will be abusive. You are both at an age when you have earned peace and quiet. I feel I have too. But we have to take that gift by not letting toxic people, even if they are our own adult children, talk to us in a way that upsets our serenity.

    Hugs and we are listening.
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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Wakeupcall, I'm sorry you had to go through that yet again. My difficult child has done the same for years.

    He calls when he wants something. Otherwise, I don't hear from him. Okay, well, that is reality right now.

    I can choose not to answer the phone. I can let calls go to voice mail. I can ignore texts for 24, 48 or completely. I don't have to respond to Facebook messages. I can tell him he can't come here without an invitation and if he does I will call the police.

    I have done all of the above. Right now, he is homeless and doesn't have a phone. My current policy is I don't answer any call whose number I don't know.

    I like what MWM says about this. Tell them that we aren't going to respond if they ask for ANYTHING. And then if they do, we gently hang up the phone.

    We've put them on notice. Then, we have to do our part.

    It's way way past time for this type of complete disrespect, nonsense and abuse to stop. It's really unbelievable when you stop and think about it.

    Having said all of the above, it's still upsetting when it happens. So...let's try together to limit the number of times it happens by setting our own boundaries and then sticking to them.

    Hugs for your angry heart tonight.
  4. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Cause it's always all about THEM??????