Just Love Starting Out My Morning This Way

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Apr 24, 2012.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I thought that it was all going okay. difficult child got up on his own and did all of the things that he needed to do, except eat breakfast. Sometimes he eats, sometimes he doesn't. It's not one of the fights that I choose to fight. If he wants to eat he needs to get himself down to the kitchen with enough time to eat and get to the bus stop.

    This morning, when he came down he was all annoyed and started screaming at easy child because they were both talking to me at the same time about things they wanted me to add to the grocery list and difficult child said he was talking first and easy child had to shut up. I told difficult child not to tell easy child to shut up, that I actually heard what both of them were saying and both of their wants were actually already on my list. difficult child then tells me that he can tell anyhone anything he wants. I told him that this is why no one ever wants to do anything with him - because he's so mean to the rest of us. That starts how if we would "play" with him he would be nicer. I pointed out to him that there have been several times that we had planned to do things with him and he decided at the last minute that he didn't want to participate. Of course, those times don't count. It's all the OTHER times that really matter.

    Then he starts in with how I have NOTHING in the house for him to eat for breakfast. Now, I admit, that the kitchen might be a little short of things that are quick to eat, but I explained to him that I was going to the store this morning and I will get everything that he asked for. So, he spends the next 15 minutes complaining to me how I have everything in the house that easy child likes ad NOTHING for him. I made several suggestions (take some dry cereal in a paper cup, have a piece of bread with some peanut butter or Nuttella on it, have one of those little fruit cups that you like). Nothing was good enough. easy child was eating though this tirade, and said to difficult child that he could have one of the pancakes that he had made for himself. difficult child, in true difficult child style, screamed at him to "shut up and stay out of it!" I quietly told him not to be so nasty to his brother because easy child was only trying to help him. He wanted nothing to do with that. difficult child leaves for the bus really early, so I suggested that he leave a few minutes later and I would make him a scrambled egg (which he could make himself, but I was trying to be helpful). No, that wasn't good enough, either.

    By now, he's crying, and getting really angry, telling me that he's STARVING and it's all my fault. I remained very calm (yay me!) and told him that I was sorry that he was so upset and that I don't like to see him start his morning this way, but I was giving him some suggestions to help him. If he didn't like my suggestions that was fine, but then stop complaining and come up with an idea of his own. He can't think of any ideas of his own because he's STARVING and it's all my fault.Finally, he left, slamming the door behind him, and telling me that his life sucks and (again) it's all my fault.

    I love my life. Really, I do.
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    (((Hugs))) hon!

    This is one of those times that you really DO need to stop engaging. He is 12 years old - not 2. He knows very well how to scramble an egg or toast a piece of bread. If his purpose this morning was to eat breakfast - he would have found a way to eat breakfast.

    Instead - it seems like he had some kind of bug up his tuckus that he was determined to take out on YOU.

    I'm glad you remained calm....but I think you need to stop suggesting and trying to be helpful.

    Hope the day gets better for you!
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Daisy, I agree with you, but the problem this morning was that I felt that I needed to stay in the room because easy child was in there eating his breakfast and I was concerned that if I left difficult child alone in the kitchen with easy child that he would hurt easy child in some way. I relaly don't like to leave easy child alone with his brother. I just don't trust him.

    Actually, what I think was really his problem was he was looking for a way to start up the "you love easy child more than you love me" and the only way he could do that this morning was about breakfast foods. I have things that easy child could eat, but nothing for him. I pointed out to him that had he actually bothered to make himself something to eat rather than spend 15 minutes complaining to me, he would have had plenty of time to eat something.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I understand staying in the room - I don't think it's safe to leave them alone together when difficult child is ranting either....but is there a way you can disengage from the conversation?

    One of the Moms here had a great suggestion of picking a phrase and just repeating it ala the computer in 2001 (I'm sorry, Dave...I can't do that.) or in this case: I'm sorry difficult child - as I said, I'm going shopping later. I'm sorry, difficult child - as I said, I'm going shopping later. I'm sorry, difficult child - as I said, I'm going shopping later.
  5. sjexpress

    sjexpress Guest

    OMG Bunny, if you did not just write about a scene we have in our house many times with difficult child! Even about how no one plays with him and we actually give him the same response about how he gets nasty and mean so why would we want to do things with him! If difficult child is mad about one thing, it rolls on to many different topics.
    I too can not leave easy child alone with difficult child when he is carrying on. When difficult child is in a mood and if he is raging at me or husband, the slightest thing easy child does or says makes difficult child direct his anger right at him, even if it has nothing to do about what is going on at the moment.
    I do find though that since difficult child wants to be heard, if I walk around the house and pretend to do things in another room, he will follow me. This way I sort of"lead" him away from easy child. (the only problem is that since easy child is nosey, he sometimes follows me too and I have to tell him to get back to where he was!) I also try my best not to actually have a conversation with difficult child when he is complianing and yelling about everything. I repeat the same thing over and over...sorry you are not happy or sorry you feel that way,etc.. I try not to egg him on with "that's not true...", or 'you're wrong". I also try to not shake my head 'no" or roll my eyes because then difficult child sees this.
    By the way, difficult child favorite phrase is also "shut up" as loudly and meanly as he can possible say it! This begins the second he realizes he is not getting the answer he wants or the minute easy child interjects.
    It's lovely, isn't it! I am sorry you began your day like this but at least he left for school and you have a few hrs now to yourself!

  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    That's what it came down to towards the end. "I'm sorry you're upset. Like I said, I'm going shopping today." That just about sent him over the edge, but he left for school instead. He hates when I do that. Oh, well.

    Oh, I forgot the best part! As he was ranting about me not having anything for him to eat he said that if I bought doughnuts that they would be just for him and no one else was allowed to eat them. We all eat "his" food and then he can't eat them. Not going to happen, dearie.

    I got back from the grocery store a little while ago and now he has plenty of quick and easy things to eat. One problem solved. At least until the doughnuts are gone!
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    In our house - we had to go to a "snack bag" system.

    Each family member has a giant ziploc bag with their name on it. And every week, I make sure to buy items that can go in the snack bag so that everybody feels as though they each have their "own" goodies. Plus, this way there is stuff for husband to take in his lunch to work instead of the kids gobbling up EVERYTHING.

    I know it won't solve bad mornings - but it WILL be a way for difficult child to feel he has foods that are "his".

    It really helped some of the food battles in my house...
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    That's a good idea, Daisy. I'll have to try that! Thanks!
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Our kids take packed lunches.
    In every lunch box are... two breakfast bars.
    It's not their favorite food.
    But... IF by some chance they don't eat or don't finish? (it's happened a couple of times)
    They KNOW the bars are there. They won't starve.
    And I don't have to get in a knot about it. Because both kids are on medications where side-effects go through the roof if they get hungry (low blood sugar)... I tended to make this a major issue, and it was the cause of a fair bit of friction.

    Can you come up with some sort of "permanent plan B" so that there is a default eat-it-at-school option? Something that enables YOU to not have to be concerned?
  10. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Honestly, ICD, if he eats breakfast or doesn't eat it, that's his thing. I'm not going to chase an almost 13 year old to make sure he has breakfast before he goes to school. I have plenty of other permanent Plan B options that suited him plenty of times. Why throw a hissy fit this morning? Who knows! The sun came up two minutes too early. The earth is a quarter of an inch off its axis. Your guess is as good as mine.

    Like Daisy said, if he really wanted to find something to eat, he would have because there were plenty of options available to him. If his argument was that now he didn't have time to make and eat something, then he should have come down to the kitchen earlier than he did. He was just angry that I threw it back in his lap and made it his responsibility. He's always looking for someone else to blame other than himself.
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    This is EXACTLY the correct way to respond to him. Send it back and make it HIS responsibility.

    You are on the right track.

    Keep up the good work!!!
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I guess it depends on the family dynamics.
    Here? It's a full sit-down hot breakfast, everybody at the table at the same time, 365 days of the year.
    There is no "think about getting breakfast" or "get it yourself".
    Here's breakfast.
    Eat it.

    (yes, everybody has their own role in putting it on - I do NOT do it all!)

    Why? Because we believe that starting the day together is vital.
    But... I'm not sure you could START that now. We've done it ever since we were married.
  13. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Oh my! This is also my house so often. Especially with middle difficult child. She is always saying this about food, she's the one with food issues. Often, however there is a bunch of food and even stuff I have bought just for her but as soon as I do she will suddenly decide not to eat it. Like a box of cereal. She may take a a bowl out of it then never touch it again and it will sit for a month or two. I refuse to buy anymore. Then she wants everyone else's food. Always like that. Shut up is a big word with the younger difficult children, her in particular. I can't leave the younger 2 in a room together EVER! I can't even go to the bathroom, which is right near the room they are in because it never fails that they will start as soon as I do. Seriously. Sad that you have to wait to go to the bathroom when you have teenagers.

    I've done the snack bag type idea. They gobble up all their snacks and then "I don't care" comes out when they do only the DO care when it's all gone! I also have breakfast/granola bars I put in their lunches. There are many mornings they don't want to get up and moving before school so don't have enough time for breakfast. They end up eating them. Choices they make and I no longer battle with them about it.