Just need to talk.....

[Star*]

Timer,

Since I'm having a similar situation with loss right now - I thought I would pass on my thought in hopes that maybe it would shed some light....

I'm a fixer.....I fix things. Kid has a boo boo - I'm there with necessary medical supplies and a bandaid. DF has back surgery? I rearrange my schedule to be able to take care of him when he couldn't take care of himself. My health on the skids? No problem - I call the doctor, get a pill, keep my mouth shut and deal and deal and deal.

Thanks to therapy I don't fix EVERYTHING anymore, but I prefer peace not chaos, and have been known to work overtime mentally and physically to achieve it - which when I thought about it this morning is really an exercise in futility and an oxymoron. Killing yourself to fix something you may or may not fix is just exhausting. So why dont' we realize it?

I was thinking about why Steven's death has been so hard on me. After all he had just turned 18 - and was starting to have a life of his own. There were things in his life that I wanted to also fix, just like Dude's but didn't because of trying to leave the lesson to the child. Then it hit me a while ago and I thought - OMG - I'm trying to fix death.

Not that I don't understand that there is no coming back or changing what is done is done - but it's like my heart moved away from my brain and is trying to sneak around and fix this. If I could just FIX his passing I wouldn't be sad. I don't want to mourn, I don't want to cry over loosing him - I love him, he needs to be here. And so goes the battle between my heart and brain which the rest of my body is being taxed for. (Kinda like the government but worse)

I dunno, I guess maybe in some secret way your heart has moved to a space where it feels the brain can't get to it so it has time to stall because it's always our hearts that think they can figure out viable solutions to emotional situations like these. I think your head knows that you don't feel like you had ANY time to deal with anything and it's trying to tell your heart what it thinks - but your heart is hiding out - hoping for a miracle and holding onto time thinking if time is hidden you can have more of it to work things out.

Maybe it's time for a list of things I can change and things I can't change and a little serenity prayer.

Hugs -
Hope you feel better body, mind and heart!
Star

 

[Nomad]

My thought for the moment is that don't let paranoia seep in. However, using caution is always wise. Don't tell SD things you may regret later.
So, perhaps don't tell them of any testing you don't want them to know about re: yourself.

After your testing...you might want to inquire about supplements you can take to boost your memory. Believe...I know from experience that they are helpful.

Linda...did you know that a B12 deficiency will influence not only memory, but can cause issues with tingling in the legs, etc.? You might want to get that tested. However, that is only half the battle...since there is controversy on the proper number. Many think the number here in the states is too low.

Many of my friends "in the know" say that those near or over 50, who take medication and or have a lot of stress, almost universally need to supplement with a B50 tablet and extra B12 as well.

Additionally, if memory is a significant issue for you or you are taking medications that might specifically intefere with memory, there are things you can take, along with the B vitamins that are known to be helpful. This was what was recommended to me and I know that they work:

Carlson Fish Oil
1 Tablet taken at night
PS 100 by Jarrow Formulas
1 Tablet taken at night

In addition, to help with headaches
make sure you take
CoQ 10 and
MAGNESIUM

Are you still taking Topamax? There is lots of talk about Namenda being of help for headaches. This might help with memory as well. You might ask a neurologist about this and a possible B12 deficiency.

I am very sorry that you are not feeling well and do hope you feel better soon. Please understand that you in the grief process...you will need your rest.

 

[timer lady]

Once again I must thank you for your kind words of support. It's been overwhelming the past few weeks ~ kt is tumbling somewhat; wm is falling apart as well.

The best I can do is to put one foot in front of the other. As I said, I just needed to "talk". I'm tired.

 

[Janna]

Linda,

I wish we were closer. I'd love to help you. I'm sorry you're struggling so right now. I have no words (I'm awful with that).

Just know I'm thinking about you.