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<blockquote data-quote="mstang67chic" data-source="post: 245180" data-attributes="member: 2459"><p>For arguments sake, let's say that you HAD driven him to the hospital. Surely on the way or once you got there, you would have learned why he needed to go. You would have been face to face with him, extremely angry, hurt and scared. Do you honestly think you would have only said things that you wouldn't have felt guilty about later? I have gotten the impression during my time here that you are a more calm and patient person than I am (TRUST me on this one) but I can't see you being in that situation and not expressing your feelings. Had he lived, the two of you would have been able to talk and, if needed on your part, apologize for the <u>delivery</u> of things said. I say delivery because I highly doubt that anything you would have said would not have been true. Do I understand your guilt? Of course! But....as you yourself said, you did the exact same thing you would have done if he was still living at home because of your situation. Granted, you didn't know the issues at hand with him at that time but who is to say you would have known if he hadn't moved out? Again, as you said, he was excellent at hiding it. </p><p></p><p>He was sick and not just from his liver. His addiction, embraced by him or not, was bigger than he was. I know logic doesn't help that heart but....when dealing with addicted difficult child's here, what are the two biggest points of advice given? Non-enabling and detachment. That's what you did and I know you are angry and devasted and hurt and have every right to be but you did nothing wrong. We all know that you can't make someone help themselves if they don't want to. The eventual outcome may be horrible or not what we would like but it is just not possible. </p><p></p><p>Linda, you did the best you could with what you knew. Be angry at husband for not telling you what was going on but please don't beat yourself up with what if/should have/could have/would have. Make extra "therapy" copies of a photo of him and beat THOSE up. Yell, cuss, scream at him, tell him you love him, you miss him and he was a dork for doing this to himself and his family but go easy on yourself. Bad as it sounds, this is on him. </p><p></p><p>As others have said, this is a process. It's only been 5 weeks. The mom in you has soldiered on because of the Tweedles but the wife in you is still in shock. I saw a picture once of my Grandma from back in the 50's. She was married, had three kids, the youngest only a few weeks old. Then her husband (my bio grandpa actually) was killed in a boiler explosion. The picture I saw was from months later. She was dressed nicely, hair done, makeup perfect and she was smiling somewhat at the camera. She went on with life because of my dad, uncle and aunt but you could still see it in her eyes. She did what she had to do for her kids and grieved how she could for herself. I don't want you to think I'm saying you'll be in this place for ages....I'm not. I guess I'm just trying to say that you can do this. You may have to compartmentalize your feelings because of the Tweedles and deal with the different compartments on your own schedule, but you'll get there.</p><p></p><p>Do what you need to do for the kidlets but be sure to do what you need to do for you! We're here whenever you need us.</p><p></p><p>HUGS</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mstang67chic, post: 245180, member: 2459"] For arguments sake, let's say that you HAD driven him to the hospital. Surely on the way or once you got there, you would have learned why he needed to go. You would have been face to face with him, extremely angry, hurt and scared. Do you honestly think you would have only said things that you wouldn't have felt guilty about later? I have gotten the impression during my time here that you are a more calm and patient person than I am (TRUST me on this one) but I can't see you being in that situation and not expressing your feelings. Had he lived, the two of you would have been able to talk and, if needed on your part, apologize for the [U]delivery[/U] of things said. I say delivery because I highly doubt that anything you would have said would not have been true. Do I understand your guilt? Of course! But....as you yourself said, you did the exact same thing you would have done if he was still living at home because of your situation. Granted, you didn't know the issues at hand with him at that time but who is to say you would have known if he hadn't moved out? Again, as you said, he was excellent at hiding it. He was sick and not just from his liver. His addiction, embraced by him or not, was bigger than he was. I know logic doesn't help that heart but....when dealing with addicted difficult child's here, what are the two biggest points of advice given? Non-enabling and detachment. That's what you did and I know you are angry and devasted and hurt and have every right to be but you did nothing wrong. We all know that you can't make someone help themselves if they don't want to. The eventual outcome may be horrible or not what we would like but it is just not possible. Linda, you did the best you could with what you knew. Be angry at husband for not telling you what was going on but please don't beat yourself up with what if/should have/could have/would have. Make extra "therapy" copies of a photo of him and beat THOSE up. Yell, cuss, scream at him, tell him you love him, you miss him and he was a dork for doing this to himself and his family but go easy on yourself. Bad as it sounds, this is on him. As others have said, this is a process. It's only been 5 weeks. The mom in you has soldiered on because of the Tweedles but the wife in you is still in shock. I saw a picture once of my Grandma from back in the 50's. She was married, had three kids, the youngest only a few weeks old. Then her husband (my bio grandpa actually) was killed in a boiler explosion. The picture I saw was from months later. She was dressed nicely, hair done, makeup perfect and she was smiling somewhat at the camera. She went on with life because of my dad, uncle and aunt but you could still see it in her eyes. She did what she had to do for her kids and grieved how she could for herself. I don't want you to think I'm saying you'll be in this place for ages....I'm not. I guess I'm just trying to say that you can do this. You may have to compartmentalize your feelings because of the Tweedles and deal with the different compartments on your own schedule, but you'll get there. Do what you need to do for the kidlets but be sure to do what you need to do for you! We're here whenever you need us. HUGS [/QUOTE]
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