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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 245491" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Timer, </p><p> </p><p>Since I'm having a similar situation with loss right now - I thought I would pass on my thought in hopes that maybe it would shed some light....</p><p> </p><p>I'm a fixer.....I fix things. Kid has a boo boo - I'm there with necessary medical supplies and a bandaid. DF has back surgery? I rearrange my schedule to be able to take care of him when he couldn't take care of himself. My health on the skids? No problem - I call the doctor, get a pill, keep my mouth shut and deal and deal and deal.</p><p> </p><p>Thanks to therapy I don't fix EVERYTHING anymore, but I prefer peace not chaos, and have been known to work overtime mentally and physically to achieve it - which when I thought about it this morning is really an exercise in futility and an oxymoron. Killing yourself to fix something you may or may not fix is just exhausting. So why dont' we realize it? </p><p> </p><p>I was thinking about why Steven's death has been so hard on me. After all he had just turned 18 - and was starting to have a life of his own. There were things in his life that I wanted to also fix, just like Dude's but didn't because of trying to leave the lesson to the child. Then it hit me a while ago and I thought - OMG - I'm trying to fix death. </p><p> </p><p>Not that I don't understand that there is no coming back or changing what is done is done - but it's like my heart moved away from my brain and is trying to sneak around and fix this. If I could just FIX his passing I wouldn't be sad. I don't want to mourn, I don't want to cry over loosing him - I love him, he needs to be here. And so goes the battle between my heart and brain which the rest of my body is being taxed for. (Kinda like the government but worse) </p><p> </p><p>I dunno, I guess maybe in some secret way your heart has moved to a space where it feels the brain can't get to it so it has time to stall because it's always our hearts that think they can figure out viable solutions to emotional situations like these. I think your head knows that you don't feel like you had ANY time to deal with anything and it's trying to tell your heart what it thinks - but your heart is hiding out - hoping for a miracle and holding onto time thinking if time is hidden you can have more of it to work things out. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe it's time for a list of things I can change and things I can't change and a little serenity prayer. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs -</p><p>Hope you feel better body, mind and heart! </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 245491, member: 4964"] Timer, Since I'm having a similar situation with loss right now - I thought I would pass on my thought in hopes that maybe it would shed some light.... I'm a fixer.....I fix things. Kid has a boo boo - I'm there with necessary medical supplies and a bandaid. DF has back surgery? I rearrange my schedule to be able to take care of him when he couldn't take care of himself. My health on the skids? No problem - I call the doctor, get a pill, keep my mouth shut and deal and deal and deal. Thanks to therapy I don't fix EVERYTHING anymore, but I prefer peace not chaos, and have been known to work overtime mentally and physically to achieve it - which when I thought about it this morning is really an exercise in futility and an oxymoron. Killing yourself to fix something you may or may not fix is just exhausting. So why dont' we realize it? I was thinking about why Steven's death has been so hard on me. After all he had just turned 18 - and was starting to have a life of his own. There were things in his life that I wanted to also fix, just like Dude's but didn't because of trying to leave the lesson to the child. Then it hit me a while ago and I thought - OMG - I'm trying to fix death. Not that I don't understand that there is no coming back or changing what is done is done - but it's like my heart moved away from my brain and is trying to sneak around and fix this. If I could just FIX his passing I wouldn't be sad. I don't want to mourn, I don't want to cry over loosing him - I love him, he needs to be here. And so goes the battle between my heart and brain which the rest of my body is being taxed for. (Kinda like the government but worse) I dunno, I guess maybe in some secret way your heart has moved to a space where it feels the brain can't get to it so it has time to stall because it's always our hearts that think they can figure out viable solutions to emotional situations like these. I think your head knows that you don't feel like you had ANY time to deal with anything and it's trying to tell your heart what it thinks - but your heart is hiding out - hoping for a miracle and holding onto time thinking if time is hidden you can have more of it to work things out. Maybe it's time for a list of things I can change and things I can't change and a little serenity prayer. Hugs - Hope you feel better body, mind and heart! Star [/QUOTE]
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