just popping in to Update and send good... UPDATED

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rejectedmom, Dec 22, 2007.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Things have been relatively quiet lately. difficult child is doing OK in the group home. He still has much drama surrounding him but I don't have to deal with it daily. That is very good. :smile: The caseworker seems to want to keep me out of it and while a part of me likes that alot another part doestn't want to quit monitering difficult child and the services he gets. Not a control issue just don't have confidence in the system or the doctors dealing with him yet. He is being put on medications that I personally do not think he needs. But I admit I am not a doctor nor have I had alot of contact with him over the last two years. I am taking a wait and see attitude for now.

    difficult child is excited and aprehensive about his first family Christmas in two years. Honestly so am I. I will have him overnight in my house because it is too far to take him back Christmas eve and then pick him up again Christmas day and then return him that night. Too many miles, and too much gas, and way too much time would be involved. I will have my family here for dinner and gift exchange Christmas eve. And then we go to my daughter's Christmas day afternoon. She lives an hour from me in the opposite direction from difficult child who is an hour away also.

    I told husband that I still do not trust difficult child and that I wanted him to sleep in the room with him. I do not want him stealing from us or leaving the house to meet up with some of his old "friends". husband was not thrilled but I think he will go along with it. I told difficult child outright that I didn't trust him. He said that fact did hurt but that he understood. He also said that he was not going to screw it up this time. I'm not sure if I put much stock in those words since I have heard them before... But I still hope for the best.

    So like many others here on this board, I look foward to the holiday and the joys of family traditions but with a bit of apprehension tickling at the back of my brain. With that in mind, I want to wish all of the parents here their best possible holiday. May you find moments of peace and closeness in the comming days. Enough to sustain you another year.

    Many blessings and much peace to all. -RM
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I hope the visit goes well. It sounds like it would go a long way to healing some rifts.

    No matter what, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and your new year is joyous, healthy and prosperous.
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    RM - so good to hear from you. Glad difficult child is maintaining at least. *Very* glad to hear that you're being sheilded from the drama. He's got to figure it out and at least he's in a setting where he can get guidance if he chooses.

    I totally relate to the nerves of him coming home. Very hard to expect or even hope for change when you've been down this road so many times before. I think you need to do what you need to do to feel some degree of confidence and safety. I told thank you not to bring anything home with him for Christmas - no clothes, no bags, and to expect to be searched before he stepped foot inside my home. I hate to be a warden but I'd hate even more for him to bring his "stuff" here.

    I'm really glad he will be with you this holiday and will keep my fingers crossed that he's able to start rebuilding your trust. I hope your family has a wonderful celebration!
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Meowbunny, Thank you for your kind thoughts. The rift's are healed but the distrust remains. That is normal and right. I do not fear for my safety only for difficult child's. He is only about a month into recovery and has slacked off a bit on the number of meetings he attends. I do not want him to get an 'urge" and act on it while he is under my roof. He wants to be clean and productive but he is "weak". We provide support and love but are not nieve enought o believe that he is changed for good and able to maintain in the face of temptation. difficult child is also afraid he will start to cry and not be able to control it. He doesnt want to do this in front of the grandchildren because they wont understand why. They have never been told the truth about my difficult child's absence these past two years.(My daughter's choice not mine)

    slsh, I hope for the same for you. Hard being us isn't it?
  5. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I do hope you have a wonderful Holiday... and the visit goes smooth. I think I would always be on guard no matter how long he was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or doing well. You are a Mommy, same with the medications!!!
    How could you not?

    Sending Blessings for all of you.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thanks Totoro! Happy holidays to you also.
  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    RM -

    I'm glad difficult child will be able to spend the holidays with you. I'm also glad to hear that he finally has a doctor. Hopefully, the medications will help and if not, they will find the right ones. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and for you and for him that he can stay the course.

    Have a very Merry Christmas!
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    RM I can relate to exactly how you feel. I was in your shoes for the last two christmas's, so I understand. I thank god that this one will be different as difficult child has an apartment in town with his "nice" new girlfriend and they will be coming here for the day and then going home. Two Christmas's ago he was over an hour away and I picked him up and brought him home for two nights. They were very long days and nights because he had only been clean maybe 3 months and was living in a soberhouse. I remember locking everything up and having to make sure easy child did the same. As wonderful as it was having him there on Christmas morning when we woke up, it was also very stressful. He relapsed the following summer and the story was pretty much the same last Christmas. He was living in another soberhouse 2 months clean and came again for a few days. Same stress, same worries.
    This year is so different. He has been clean over a year now and really has a new life. I feel he can come into my home and I don't have to hide a thing. This will be the first year he will not actually be waking up under the same roof as I on Christmas, but I'll gladly trade that for where his life is now.

    You have every right to the feelings and doubt you have right now. It takes a long long time to gain the trust back. I hope you can enjoy the holiday with him and he proves himself to you. As stressful as it will be I'm sure it will be wonderful to have him waking up in your home on Christmas morning.

    Thanks for the update and I wish you and your family a Very Very Merry UNEVENTFUL Christmas!!
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good to hear from you. I hope the visit with your son goes well. Hugs.
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Sounds like you are being cautiously optimistic. A sign of a warrior mom.

    I am so very happy that you will have a Christmas with difficult child this year. I hope and pray that it goes well for you. You have a good game plan in place.

    Have a blessed Christmas.
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi RM, I can relate as well. I remember Rob's home visits distinctly because I was so uncomfortable. I didn't know if he'd get violent or steal or sneak out or what. His Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and later his group home, had a deal that if we called, they would come pick him up and take him back so we had that to hold over his head. Plus, we had a "score card" to fill out so if he misbehaved even slightly, there were repercussions at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (lowered level or chores or other things). Fortunately, my fears were never confirmed but I still couldn't relax. I hope your difficult child's group home has a similar support system in place for his visit with you. Like I said, it didn't calm my fears but it did help him tow the line.

    Hugs to you. I hope this goes well.


  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Heather, Yes at least he is getting medical care that I can follow up on. Not like the garbage services he got in prison.
    Thanks for your good wishes.

    Karen, I have followed your story for years now. I am so happy that your son is doing well. I am hoping that some day I can also post a success story here. for now it is one day at a time.
    Enjoy your Christmas as well.

    Sharon, I know I am MIA alot these days but do try to read posts once a week even if I don't answer them. Have a happy holiday.

    BBK, You hit the nail squarely on it's head. We are indeed happy to have our difficult child able to participate in the family holiday activites. At the same time we are somewhat wary.

    Suz, Nope no such supports in place for us. If difficult child goes off the deep end we are to either take him back to the Group home or to the ER or call police depending on the circumstances. I don't expect any of those scenarios. That said, I would not be surprised to find something missing after he left. Nor would I be surprised to find him using our phone to call old friends or asking to walk the neighborhood alone stuff like that that will keep us a bit on edge. He is doing fairly well at the moment but he is still a difficult child. He had trouble keeping his hands off other folks belongings long before he started using. So as I said there will be a bit of an edginess about him being here overnight. We cannot observe him every minute.
  13. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    How great to hear from you and to hear that difficult child is going to be spending the holiday with you, and making strides forward. Yes, I too remember those home visits like they were yesterday. I know I didn't sleep a wink, and I put everything of value in my pillowcase that I possibly could. I had the art of lying down with my arms around my pillowcase down to a science. lol.

    Like Suz's son, our son also had a quesionnaire to fill out and bring back with him after each home visit. That did help a bit in acting as a little leverage at least. It still didn't take away the worry though - that he'd run. I don't miss those days at all.

    I think you're handling things well - being excited for his being home for the holiday, but being cautiously optimistic and a realist. Trust has to be earned. Hopefully he'll be able to show you bit by bit that he's working towards earning that trust back.

    Here's hoping that he keeps to the rules and things go smoothly.

    Sending many hugs and good wishes your way,
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Well as it turned out difficult child decided he "wasn't ready yet" for an overnight so husband drove him home and then picked him up again yesterday. The real reason we suspect is that he has yet another girlfriend a hoousemate that he wanted to spend some time with. I started getting angry with his selfishness but then realizrd that I preferred he not stay here anyway so let it go. Like I said he is still a difficult child and so his manipulating and possible lie to get what he wanted was not out of character and is part of why we do not want to deal with him on a daily basis.
    So the acceptance kicked in and we had a lovely stress free holiday with a few extra miles on the vehicles and a few extra dollars in gas. Next time we will just budget it in prior to our plans. LOL

    Christmas day at my daughter's was lovely but her poor husband got a migraine and had to stay in bed so we cut it short and that made having to drive difficult child home easier since we got home to our house earlier than planned and were able to relax a bit before turning in.

    It was nice to have a family holiday that went relatively smoothly and without any DRAMA. -RM