just realized how angry I am

[hipperq]

I've been really stressed lately. It's coming to a head with the kids starting school.

I lay in bed this morning thinking about myself, my life as if I were watching a movie. And i looked down on this woman (me) who gives and gives and gives and gets so little in return, and I wanted to cry. (I virtually never cry).

Then in the shower I realized how angry I am, how resentful at the hand I've been dealt. Why do I have to be the responsible one all the time? I have 4 difficult kids. My husband does not have the mental skills (he's too rigid) to deal well with them. He retreats into computer games. He thinks I'm so fat that I'm no longer attractive, so we haven't been intimate in months and months. He's got a girlfriend on the side.

We have friends who come by every week. Only one pair is married, and none have children. My sister is close to me but unmarried with no children. I'm surrounded by all these people with no responsibilities and here I am drowning in difficult kids, difficult husband and no support.

My parents are ok, well-meaning. Somewhat inconsistent, and extremely critical and manipulative. They live about 6 hours away. This summer I've kind of unoffically broken things off with them, being polite but never seeking them out and not visiting.

My inlaws live nearby (there's 4 of them as they divorced and remarried) but one set the husband is Aspergers-y and his wife is overwhelmed and depressed and can't deal with my kids, and the other is self-centered and interfering and her husband is elderly and can't deal with my kids.

I realized I've been shoving everyone away. The kids are doing fairly well, so I've been retreating more and more into books, napping. I hardly talk to my husband (not the silent treatment, just not making any effort). I stopped going to church, so I could have some time alone, and because there's one or two people there who give me grief about missing Sundays. When the single friends come over I retreat into my room to read or go online. I only talk to my sister about once a month.

And I realized this morning that I'm ****** at all of them. ****** at my life. Angry that no one is giving to me. (how could they; I shoved them all out of my life). So, so ****** and it was buried so deep I had no idea I felt that way.

Isn't anger a stage of grief? Am I grieving the loss of the life I thought I would get? If so, How the H**l do you move on to the next stage, because, frankly, this one sucks!

 

[recoveringenabler]

I am so sorry you are feeling the way you do. First of all, the mother of 4 kids who are perfect children would feel similar to the way you do, raising kids is a difficult job, and when you add no support and an unfaithful husband you have a recipe for all the feelings of resentment and anger and sadness that you're feeling. Do you have a counselor or a therapist you can talk to? Anger is a natural reaction to what you are facing and it's also a symptom of depression, so it may be prudent to get the advice of a trained professional to first see if you have something other then ADHD and anxiety. I think anger is a stage of grief but it doesn't have to be. Although I think sometimes it's easier for folks to access anger then it is to allow the real sorrow to surface. I would certainly feel anger in your shoes, but I would also feel a lot of grief as well. The thing about feelings, particularly grief is that if those feelings aren't expressed, they continue to plague you.

Without support in your life, without anyone who can have empathy, understanding, compassion and caring for you, you are isolated, and you are, in fact isolating yourself. These appear to be symptoms of a larger issue, I think it would be a good idea for you to seek help. Once you can talk it through with someone, you can begin to address your options for feeling better.

I wish I could reach across cyberspace and give you a big hug, you really seem to need some kindness and nurturing now, and you certainly deserve that. Parenting is a tough job, and you have kids who are challenging, I wish you had more support and people around you who could help with the kids and be supportive of you, caring of you and understand all that you have on your plate. I hope you can find a therapist who can help you, for me, that would be the next step and from there, the life you really do want can begin to emerge. ((((HUGS))))

 

[tiredmommy]

I agree with RE, you need to find a way to care for yourself and have others (namely, husband!) take on their fair share of the responsibilities. While anger can be part of grief, it can also be a symptom of depression. You withdrawal is very concerning for me... you may want to have an appointment with your family doctor. It's not uncommon for women in our sorts of situations to slip into depression an an appropriate medication may be what you need to pull yourself out. (((Hugs))) I hope today is a brighter day.

 

[hipperq]

thank you for the hugs and support. They do help, however distant.

I do have a therapist, I've seen her weekly for years now for both the anxiety and the depression. But I see her on Thursdays, and somehow these things always seem to come to a head over the weekend! She's been gently pushing for a while now for me to take an honest look at how I feel about the cheating in particular. Just wish I could skip over this stage to the feeling better stage!

You're right about the sadness. I think sometimes if I let myself get mad or sad I'll never be able to stop! But in reality, I'm still mad and sad only not acknowledging it, and until I let it out, I can't deal as effectively with it.

I'm hoping to call my therapist tomorrow for an emergency appointment.

I'm also going back to church this morning, mostly to talk to the moms I know there, to try to get a bit less isolated. This group is helpful, too, even though I don't know you all, I do know that lots of you have gone through lots of the things I'm dealing with, and that helps an awful lot.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm glad you are calling your therapist and going to church this morning. I also completely understand the fear about letting the feelings out and you'll never be able to stop. I have felt that at times in my life and the odd thing is that they come out in increments, not all at once, although it does feel like you would be overcome with them because they're so profound and strong. My daughter's Dad cheated on me so I understand how you're feeling, it was an unbelievable sense of betrayal, anger, sorrow, resentment, all of it. I can understand you wanting to bypass that and go onto the next stage, I get that. Feeling all that is tough, but it's also the way out. You're doing all the right things to help yourself today, in time, it will get easier. Just take it one day at a time right now. We're here for you, keep posting.......it helps.........(((HUGS))))

 

[tiredmommy]

Here's what I say when someone tries to shame me for missing church: "Oh, I didn't know we were taking attendance every week!" or "When were you put in charge of attendance?". And I say it with that challenging little smile on my face (You know the look). Once, I even said "Do I get kicked out if I miss too much? Because I didn't realize being here every week was mandatory." That's setting boundaries.

 

[Hound dog]

((((hugs)))))

This is just my opinion based on experience, and tons of experience with an autistic spectrum family. (every male on husband's side at least had the traits, but most had aspergers at the least)

You're probably grieving now for the life you thought you'd have, for what you believed "normal" to be. That is normal and healthy. It's ok to cry, under such circumstances, it's good to cry. It's normal and healthy to be angry. Let yourself feel that too. You've every right to your emotions. You did get dealt an oddball hand. Your life IS tougher than the average person's life whether they have children or not. Let yourself feel the emotions so you can get them out and they don't affect your day to day living. Make certain you're getting some ME downtime each day, whether it's just a half hour walk in the evening.....just as long as it's something YOU want to do to relax and wind down. It's not selfish, we have to take care of ourselves or we can't take care of them properly.

There were moments, many, over the years when I felt like you are right now. But I found if I also made myself look at not just the negative while I did that step back look at my life thing......that there were a lot of positives that were also associated with autistic spectrum disorder, but even more importantly.......there was much more joy in my life than I *thought* there was during those times when it would start to get to me.

My husband was Aspergers. And while we had our ups and downs.........and they were pretty out there sometimes.......(he had a woman he was obsessed with since college, and I DO mean obsessed).......Well, I wouldn't have traded him for the world. He loved me with all that he had, he truly did. (obsession is NOT love) No, he wasn't perfect and his faults could/did often grate on my last nerve......but his good points, well, I am hard pressed to find his good points in other men.....it's rare to see these days. And yes, I had to be the one who dealt with the kids and enforced the rules because husband couldn't handle the job.

Travis, ok, let's just say there was never ever a dull moment when he was growing up. There was also a reason I was so thin. lol But he made me laugh, regularly although he never meant to, his total giving nature humbled me often, his quite strength and determination kept ME going instead of the other way around.

When you're caught up in the day to day, trying to keep it together, trying to remember all you need to remember, trying to keep them on task and from clashing with each others personalities.......it is soooo easy to not see those things or to forget about them.

Often I think Travis has taught me more over the course of his lifetime than I could ever have taught him.

So, hon, you allow yourself to grieve for the life you thought you'd have but didn't get. It does stink. It's not fair. From experience I can tell you that eventually once the grief is worked through comes acceptance, with that acceptance comes peace. And then you will probably realize like I did that not normal is just fine.......in some ways not normal is great. I wouldn't have my life any other way. No, that didn't happen over night. It took years to get to that point. Once I did reach it, I realized that I wouldn't go back and change a single moment of my life with husband and my kids.

It can and does get better.

Hang in there.

 

[TerryJ2]

Arrgh! I just typed in a long response and I hate my new keyboard. ... things disappear

Many hugs before my note gets deleted.

I agree with-the others here.

 

[Rabbit]

Sending Hugs

 

[Star*]

Dear hipp (cool name)

Hang on - I wanna go get a cuppa coffee before I talk to you......girl-o a girl-o....

You know it but maybe you don't realize it - (this little fact) and I'll tell you what it is - It's OKAY to be angry. It's okay to be angry at your husband, your kids, yourself, your higher power, your sister, your friends, your coworkers........And I guess that for almost ALL of my life the "WHAT WAS PROGRAMMED" into my brain was "Now Star, don't be angry." - THink about it.....Think back in your life - way back to childhood.

I don't know about you but I have a sister that is an Aspie that is (woof) reallllllllly difficult to deal with. Yet back then 40 plus years - No one knew what aspergers was.....Good grief the girl is a genius with a staggering IQ. But she used to do the most annoying things and since I was the older sister I heard "Star don't get angry she's the baby, or Star don't grit your teeth, or Star take it easy sheesh." Then later in my life I seemed to pick looser boyfriends that all had HUGE tempers, and I would hear "AND DON'T you get ANGRY with ME." as if it were a dare and I didn't have permission. Later in my marriage? I wasn't even allowed to cry. If I did? I got beat worse. So for so many years.....even without realizing it - My parents had tried to calm me - but said the very wrong thing - DON'T GET ANGRY. In other words - the persons in MY LIFE - that were AUTHORITIES over me? NEVER GAVE ME (as a young child, young adult - or adult) PERMISSION to blow up about anything in my life......and here's what happens.....

I liken each "regret, offense, hurt, pain, disgruntled moment, each slap in the face, turn the other cheek, and every other "rise above it" moment to ------a box. Some boxes are bigger than others and some are smaller and some holy cats - I'd hate to see the freight charges....but each time someone did something to me that I literally STUFFED away - in my mind or - for posterity sake of telling you this -----I'll say a storage unit.

So Your husaband comes home and he's gotten a woman on the side (box), You don't feel good about yourself, gained weight (bigger box, or maybe 2 boxes), You have four kids that are difficult (crate, crate, crate, jumbo crate ----i'm guessing one of those kids is a real handful) .......and you load your wagon and go to the self-storage and stuff ALL those boxes of hurt and regret -into the unit, shut the door......and WOW now I feel a little better about ME.....got rid of THOSE feelings.....

Well no, you didnt. All you did was box them up, and STORE THEM.....and shut a door. Now you have no more room in that storage unit - soooooooooo You rent another one (which is akin to MORE space in your mind, and another deposit on another unit to fill with more regret, and sadness, and depression, and box after box, problem after problem.....INSTEAD of dealing with the boxes......you just keep stuffing and sister you are to the point now where you are using your hip to smash boxes in that unit to make them fit and get that door down and PHEW......(wipes forehead) -----sigh, exhale....I got all of THOSE problems out of my way....I STUFFED EM RIGHT IN THAT OLD UNIT....and now I'll get a nother unit. Empty.........nexxxxxxxxxt!?

And what happens over a period of time (which is our lives) is that storage unit ------gets full. There are no more units, no more empty spots.....and now you have 30 plus years of regret, and sorrow, hatred, bitterness, unresolved problems, things that you start convincing yourself are just ridiculous FOR AN ADULT to be uspet over....like one day you may think back to a time in your childhood and pull that memory out and have no earthly idea - why.....you remembered it, but someone didn't get you an ice cream cone with sprinkles but all the other kids got sprinkles...and in your mind - you were slighted so now you HATE sprinkles and you stuffed that memory....and rememberd it today becavuse you're somewhere and they have offered you free sprinkles. But because that memory is a bad one, and a regretful one you NEVER DEALT WITH ......and...
(and this is important) because yu have added 30 more years on top of that sprinkle incident to your life -------there is no seemingly reasonable way to deal with it - so you just decide YOU HATE sprinkles. WHen it may have been all along - that whomever passed out the sprinkles thought you said "NO" and misheard you, and instead you 've resented them for years for feeling slighted.

and about this time too? Your storage unit is bulging - your mind is freaking - because you haven't purged anything and your brains warehouse (so to speak) looks like an episode of hoarders. A bad episode - one of the worst ---because the things you need to haul off to make you feel better about yourself are under 30 years of junk you've been stuffing under and stuffing and stuffing ......INSTEAD OF LEARNING HOW TO EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATE TO PEOPLE - THAT YOU ARE ANGRY, AND YOU WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THEIR BS ANY MORE.

Once you start to learn how to do that? You begin to purge a lot of junk - it's like one of those big shredders comes to your brains warehouse, backs up and said - OKAY today we're going to get rid of all the memories you have stored up there on ----jealousy. And little by little? Your storage units shrink, the doors quit bulging, you quit regretting so much of the past and realize that there is a wonderful future for you - but the only one that is in control here .........is you. NOT your parents, NOT your boyfriends from school past.....not your husband...who is for whatever reason acting like a babboons hiney.....and once you start to lift some of that burden?? Well Hipp? All I can tell you is that -----If you're 50.....and you live to be 100 - you've only lived 1/2 of your life. SO......what do you want to do with the SECOND half of your life and do you want to live it like you lived the first half? No? Then CHANGE IT......

I don't advocate divorce.......but if I had four kids and a husband gittin something on the side -he'd be gitting something to the side of his head. (hands frying pan).......I was 298 lbs and I was and still am a sexy beast. BUT I was 119 lbs...and not that attractive. GO FIGURE. (puts hands out to weigh life) hhhhmmmmmm I had an unfaithful, drug addled, sexmongering whor.......husband that beat me and put me down....and I was young, attractive and slender.........and then I lost my confidence, my self esteem (which by the way are NOT the same thing) ....found a man that treats me like a queen - at 298 lbs......and feel better about myself than I ever have.

If the therapist that you have is 'urging' you to deal with the unfaithful issues? (twists lips) As a girlfriend????? WHAT are you afraid of? Being alone, not making it without his paycheck? NOT ever loosing weight and finding your own voice?

Holy smokes woman - YOU are not the first woman in history to have a cheating husband, four kids, little support and walk off........and MAKE IT. OR START WORKING ON YOUR CONFIDENCE AND SELF ESTTEM AND REALIZE ------

YOU ARE WORTH THE WORLD......YOU have value, YOU ARE a treasure........a princess.......and a good person. AND YES........YOU ARE ANGRY D($*%)($_()+ and that's okay ---------throwing things, saying ugly things, and stuffing the emotions? NOT WORKING FOR YOU.....Finding out why you are unhappy, dealing with the problem and DRAWING YOUR FINAL LINE IN THE SAND AND STICKING TO IT???? Yeah - promise that works......and the more you figure out who you are? The deeper your toe draws that line in the sand ----until eventually when boxes are thrown at you??? YOu open them, take out the stuff you want, get rid of the stuff you don't and recycle the cardboard, and pocket the money for a mani-pedi that you would have spent on a useless storage unit. AND you have a beautiful un convoluted mind. Which by the way you do have....depression or not - it's there, you just need to find out why you beg people to give you ka ka.....(can't say the 4 letter word here that starts with c and ends in rap) But ask yourself - DO I WANT TO BE A POOP SHOVELER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE???? A BOX STUFFER?????? A KEEPER OF WORRIES and OMG - let me tell you this - OLAY doesn't make a regenerist formula for the misery YOU ARE BRINING ON YOURSELF.....

SET some goals with your therapist ..........stick to them -NO MATTER WHAT..........and be proud of yourself AGAIN.......even if you have to delve into stuff from 40 years ago -DO IT! GET RID OF THE BOXES WOMAN.....

And not that you want my opinion - but since it's a public board...I'ma give to ya anyway--------if you think I was kidding about that skillet up side the head? no sir.

I may not exactly do something that rash....but I promise you - I would find out who she is? I would get her address.......I would pack up all his things........I would drop them off at her house......and I would have a locksmith change the locks......and before I had all this done - I would have asked my attorney "EXACTLY WHAT DO I GET ALAMONY AND CHILDSUPPRORT? because he's a cheating so n so......and plan my budget based on what my atty told me.......

ANd I think my exs last woman ? Threatened to "kick my bootie" while I was standing in my mother in law's front yard.....and I was laughing so hard.Him standing there looking at two women (oh how exciting are they going to fight over me? NOT LIKELY) .because I was so over him at that point....I said "Darlin' I don't want to kick your butt, I came out to get your address so I could send you a thank you note and a dozen roses. Thanks for taking him off my hands. She was so defensive she didn't even hear what I'd said -----she was in redneck mode ready to throw down, and I was laughing so hard at her....and my ex was standing there yelling at her to put her shoes back on because "MY WIFE will kill you - you're no match for her." and I was still laughing ---and now he's trying to tell his girlfriend she's no match for me? OMG it was too funny...Match? Yeah her face and a buffalo fart.

At that point? I just needed about 15 more years of intense therapy - and stuck with it........found my groove.....found myself, my confidenfce, self esteem came eventually - and now? I just sit back and enjoy life - because in so many years that go by like (snap) your kids are going to be grown and gone - and then what are you left with if you don't take care of your mental health now? ........Boxes and buffalo farts......neither are pleasant.

Hope this helps from someone been there done that and actually told most of his former lovers that he was HIV positive, and I was clean, but they should go get tested......yeah that's another story.....but so worth the looks on their faces as they tried to bare their souls to me for forgiveness.......and of course they didn't need it....but I needed to be just () funny and let THEM have a little worry for a while. (snort)

YOU ARE PHENOMINAL.........and if you need therapy days change? ASK FOR TUESDAYS.......AFTER the weekends - LORD how hard could that be for that therapist???????? HUH? Tell her you'll work harder but you need HER to meet you 1/2 way and having therapy at the end of the week when you are THIS close to a nervous breakdown is NOT HELPING YOU AT ALL - does she have 4 kids??? A cheating old man? NOooooo so stand up for yourself or find a therapist that WILL give you what you need.....do NOT BE AFRAID TO TAKE CHANCE and FAIL.............GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO try and FAIL at something everyday and be better for it knowing YOU TRIED.

Okay - I'm outta coffee......and typing 945 words per min.......
I love you
I have faith in you
I'm glad you are HERE...........

NO GO GET EM TIGER...........GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROWLlllllllllllllllll

Hugs & Love - been there done that (got two bloody awards)
Star

 

[Wiped Out]

The others have said it so well. You do have a right to be angry and I understand the not wanting to let it out for fear it might not stop and yet it is so important to let it out (easier said than done). I'm glad you are getting help and will be praying for you as you are dealing with all of this anger and grief. Sending the gentlest of hugs your way.

 

[DammitJanet]

Star said it so well. I have spent most of my life angry. So very angry. I have boxes and boxes that have been overflowing for years.

Therapy worked very well for me for as long as I was able to go but my insurance ran out and I lost my therapist. I am not willing to look for a new one right now. Well I did try one new one but that was a fiasco so I am going it alone and I am really sliding backwards.

Luckily I dont have young kids anymore or I would really have to try harder.