Hi, I haven't been around since late March when I posted about difficult child 2's alcohol issues. Since then we've had a rude awakening. In early May (just as exams started at difficult child 2's college) I got a voicemail that difficult child 2 left at 3 am, crying and sobbing after a bad panic attack. When I tried to call him back (didn't get the voicemail until morning) I couldn't reach him, and the student clinic said someone would go knock on his door. The 'someone' turned out to be a police officer - who, after difficult child's roommate told her difficult child was 'messed up', handcuffed him, took him to the station for questioning, searched his dorm room, and eventually charged him with possession and drug paraphernalia for pot. He admitted to also having used cocaine 3 times. difficult child 2 was in bad shape when I got there to pick him up - skinny, unkempt, long hair and a goatee, and was having panic attacks several times per day. He didn't manage to write any of his exams. The lawyer we consulted told us there are major issues with how the police conducted the questioning and search, and wants us to fight the charges. I wanted to at first, but now I wonder. difficult child 2 spent about two weeks having constant panic attacks once home, was contrite and tearful and full of plans to turn his life around, but six weeks on, we're not seeing much progress. The panic attacks have stopped and I think the Paxil the psychiatrist put him on is working well. He isn't depressed, although he can have rapid mood swings. He complains of insomnia, yet drinks caffeinated drinks in ridiculous amounts and becomes angry if I point out that caffeine will interfere with his sleep. He does very little each day - will help with a household chore if asked and given specific instructions, but with big chores he finds his 'symptoms' overwhelming and retires to his room. His symptoms are nonspecific tiredness and achiness. He tells me repeatedly that he feels terrible and 'depleted' but has energy to play video games. I think it's time for him to get a job, and I expect the panic attacks will reappear if I push the issue. He has had a lot of conversion stuff - weird shaking of hands and arms that isn't physiological, and swaying and collapsing that never results in him being injured; also staggering from room to room leaning on walls and furniture. His sibs were disgusted. husband and I ignored the behaviors and just told him to get on with what he was supposed to be doing, and not to lean on the walls. These behaviors have pretty much stopped now. but if he feels any pressure or stress they reappear. When difficult child 2 came home he read a book called 'Rational Recovery' and was very positive about it; he decided he shouldn't drink or drug any more and all was good for a week or two. Then he sneaked some alcohol (we have it all well hidden, so he looked hard for it); and in the past six weeks he's used alcohol about four times. He's also used up any benzos the psychiatrist prescribes way too fast, has used twice the dose of Seroquel or Zyprexa prescribed for sleep, and when nothing else was available he went through a bottle of 100 ibuprofen in three or four days. His addictive behaviors are still well in place. As difficult child 2 has become more stable, so to speak, he has returned to his old patterns of getting angry with me and blaming me. Last night he sneaked a good deal of gin and then spent a long time accusing me of betraying him, blaming me for all his problems, telling me his psychiatrist thinks husband and I have worse problems than he does, and generally ripping me apart emotionally. I didn't sleep much last night. In a week I have to drive him 3.5 hours to his college town for a pre-trial 'conference' where apparently a form gets filed, but he has to appear. Then a week later I have to take him back for a college hearing. I am just not up for this, but husband is working as usual so it's me as usual. I didn't even want to see him today, and he spent the day being ingratiating and cozy until I wanted to scream. husband listened to my account of last night's talk with difficult child 2, and was angry, but today only told difficult child 2 to work on his final project for one of his courses (his exams were deferred but have to be completed this summer). husband still operates mostly in denial, with occasional insight but it never lasts. He is content for difficult child 2 to live at home until he 'gets on his feet'. That will be never, considering his inactivity and endless WoW playing now. I think difficult child 2 is missing his old ways and friends and is looking for a way to justify going back to drugs by picking fights with me so he can blame me. I so much want him to turn his life around ... I know he has to be the one to do it ... I don't think it's going to happen soon. I'm just sad as I watch him choose not to take the chance of cleaning up that we've given him, and I'm sad that he's going to cause our family upheaval and mayhem just when our daughter was looking forward to a little peaceful 'alone' time with husband and I (her third brother goes to college this August so she was to be the only one at home); and I'm sad that, all his life, difficult child 2 is going to blame me for his problems. And I'm sad that husband doesn't get it yet, and that will prolong the upheaval at home.