Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Just so hurt. Am I blind?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 744072" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Waking, I am so glad to hear you were able to talk to the coach and that it went well! It sounds like you were able to advocate for your son while still preserving your (and your son's) relationship with this man. That's huge! I'm so happy for you and DS3!</p><p></p><p>I so relate to your son. And my grandson went through an almost IDENTICAL bullying situation last year, where he got in trouble for finally calling out the bully's behavior instead of the bully getting in trouble for bullying him. I think for all the anti-bullying campaigns and zero-tolerance policies out there, a lot of teachers and school administrators just don't want to have to deal with the problem, and they'll take the easy way out. If it seems easier to get the victim to shut up than get the bully to stop (and it usually is), that's the approach they'll take. Especially when it's this kind of borderline behavior that COULD be spun as teasing/harmless in a different scenario, but is actually deeply hostile and disturbing when it is 1) relentless, and 2) aimed at someone who is outside, rather than inside, the social "in" group. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, lord, I did this, until I finally learned better control of my face. My guess is it's not an inappropriate EMOTIONAL reaction, it's an inability to get his face to match his emotions or the situation appropriately. He probably was feeling deep discomfort, not amusement of any kind. I know my face would contort in weird ways when I was under extreme stress that others might interpret as a "weird little smile". It was NOT a smile. It's the muscles in the face under so much tension they are pulling my lips back in weird ways. And the fact that facial expression awareness (or recognition) is not my strong suit. It's more like an uncontrolled-laughing-at-a-funeral kind of reaction. I had a lot of involuntary facial expressions when I was younger, which were often accompanied by my muttering to myself. Because I was deeply in my own weird little world and not aware of how I was presenting to the outside. This did not earn me friends in school. It's something I've largely learned to control. </p><p></p><p>I got in trouble for other things, too: </p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Not making eye contact: It's not that I'm trying to disrespect you, it's that looking in your eyes puts me into sensory overload. I cannot both look into your eyes AND pay attention to what you're saying. You're going to have to pick one. </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Staring: No, I'm not staring at you...I'm lost in my own little world and I wasn't even aware that you were in front of my eyeballs (until you started yelling at me for staring at you). I'm probably on sensory overload and have zoned out as a form of self-protection. </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Not responding: I'm not ignoring you on purpose. I can't process what you're saying. I shut down. Sorry. Try it again, maybe softer, or in a different, less overstimulating environment. </li> </ul><p></p><p>His coach, if he does indeed work with kids on the spectrum, should have some awareness of these kinds of differences. </p><p></p><p>I think kids who are high-functioning cognitively and have relatively minor symptoms are often really misunderstood. It is really easy to recognize that a non-verbal or minimally verbal autistic kid needs extra help and supports. Or one with frequent outbursts and inappropriate behaviors. But when you're almost-but-not-quite-normal, or perform well on academic tasks, there is an attitude that you must be doing these things on purpose. That you should be able to help it. </p><p></p><p>And I do think that those of us on the spectrum have a responsibility to try to meet the world halfway. It can't be "I have Aspergers, therefore I can get away with being a jerk/flouting social norms with no repercussions!" But ideally, people will learn to recognize, respect and accommodate harmless differences, too, whether they come with a formal diagnosis or not. </p><p></p><p>Good for you for advocating for your kid and educating this coach. </p><p></p><p>Your son (and husband) might also enjoy the website Wrong Planet. It is written by and for people on the spectrum of all ages.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 744072, member: 23349"] Waking, I am so glad to hear you were able to talk to the coach and that it went well! It sounds like you were able to advocate for your son while still preserving your (and your son's) relationship with this man. That's huge! I'm so happy for you and DS3! I so relate to your son. And my grandson went through an almost IDENTICAL bullying situation last year, where he got in trouble for finally calling out the bully's behavior instead of the bully getting in trouble for bullying him. I think for all the anti-bullying campaigns and zero-tolerance policies out there, a lot of teachers and school administrators just don't want to have to deal with the problem, and they'll take the easy way out. If it seems easier to get the victim to shut up than get the bully to stop (and it usually is), that's the approach they'll take. Especially when it's this kind of borderline behavior that COULD be spun as teasing/harmless in a different scenario, but is actually deeply hostile and disturbing when it is 1) relentless, and 2) aimed at someone who is outside, rather than inside, the social "in" group. Oh, lord, I did this, until I finally learned better control of my face. My guess is it's not an inappropriate EMOTIONAL reaction, it's an inability to get his face to match his emotions or the situation appropriately. He probably was feeling deep discomfort, not amusement of any kind. I know my face would contort in weird ways when I was under extreme stress that others might interpret as a "weird little smile". It was NOT a smile. It's the muscles in the face under so much tension they are pulling my lips back in weird ways. And the fact that facial expression awareness (or recognition) is not my strong suit. It's more like an uncontrolled-laughing-at-a-funeral kind of reaction. I had a lot of involuntary facial expressions when I was younger, which were often accompanied by my muttering to myself. Because I was deeply in my own weird little world and not aware of how I was presenting to the outside. This did not earn me friends in school. It's something I've largely learned to control. I got in trouble for other things, too: [LIST] [*]Not making eye contact: It's not that I'm trying to disrespect you, it's that looking in your eyes puts me into sensory overload. I cannot both look into your eyes AND pay attention to what you're saying. You're going to have to pick one. [*]Staring: No, I'm not staring at you...I'm lost in my own little world and I wasn't even aware that you were in front of my eyeballs (until you started yelling at me for staring at you). I'm probably on sensory overload and have zoned out as a form of self-protection. [*]Not responding: I'm not ignoring you on purpose. I can't process what you're saying. I shut down. Sorry. Try it again, maybe softer, or in a different, less overstimulating environment. [/LIST] His coach, if he does indeed work with kids on the spectrum, should have some awareness of these kinds of differences. I think kids who are high-functioning cognitively and have relatively minor symptoms are often really misunderstood. It is really easy to recognize that a non-verbal or minimally verbal autistic kid needs extra help and supports. Or one with frequent outbursts and inappropriate behaviors. But when you're almost-but-not-quite-normal, or perform well on academic tasks, there is an attitude that you must be doing these things on purpose. That you should be able to help it. And I do think that those of us on the spectrum have a responsibility to try to meet the world halfway. It can't be "I have Aspergers, therefore I can get away with being a jerk/flouting social norms with no repercussions!" But ideally, people will learn to recognize, respect and accommodate harmless differences, too, whether they come with a formal diagnosis or not. Good for you for advocating for your kid and educating this coach. Your son (and husband) might also enjoy the website Wrong Planet. It is written by and for people on the spectrum of all ages. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Just so hurt. Am I blind?
Top