Just so worn out mentally from my son

[4myson]

We kicked M out 3 weeks ago (due to continued use , missing curfew and telling my husband FU), and it doesn't seem to faze him. His 3 grandparents do not get that helping him is not the answer. They all took him out to dinner last night has gone to his Aunts for dinners, and found out my mother in law is doing his wash. He has been living with different friends and I hear he is looking for his own place. I know he can't afford anything, but know he has to learn that. I go back in my head and try to figure out how my older son is so responsible and heading in great directions, and where I went wrong with M. I know my guilt does not have the answers for all the problems at hand right now, I'm just so tired and can't sleep. My 14 year old daughter has been my biggest concern right now, because she has seen so much, but won't talk about it with me or anyone else. I just needed to vent to those who know how I feel. None of my friends understand this. I started to see a councelor, but she wants me to focus on me. I don't know how to focus on me when my son is drowning and doesn't want the help. I cry every day when nobody is around and put on a happy face when my daughter gets home from school. I feel so lost and feel like I did something wrong when raising my son. He was always the quite kid, so maybe I never really knew him like I thought. from the time our kids are born all we want to do is protect them, I just want him home safe and sound and know that won't happen.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

[DDD]

I only have time to send a quick hug your way and tell you that many of us have been there done that. The most bitter pill I ever had to swallow was that my difficult child was not the same person he was before drug and alcohol entered his life. It's been many years for me but I totally understand your sadness. Learning to accept the things "you can not change" is a huge difficult step. You are not alone. DDD

 

[Sunlight]

M needed to get out if he is bold enough to ignore all your rules and say F U to husband or you. I threw my son out more than a few times. Yep his gramma and his dad stepped in and continued to spoil him which ruined my lesson to him. They simply delayed him getting the message that you have rules in life and the world will eventually enforce them.

I guess if I had only one son I would blame myself, but you have other kids that don't act like that. I used to say that I wanted a bumper sticker that said "my other son is a cop". I knew my son needed more help and I sure tried to help him but he could not see that he was wrong. It took a while for him to grow a brain...a long while. He is older and wiser now and has not been in any trouble in about 5 yrs???

You cannot control the other enablers and even if it makes you feel the like bad guy...you are doing the right thing. keep doing it. rest easy, your son will run out of saviors soon enough. meanwhile focus on your other kids and yourself while he is out of the house...taking his chaos with him.

 

[4myson]

Thank you for giving me some hope! Your words and time mean more then I can say!

 

[4myson]

DDD, I felt that Hug and really cherish it!

 

[toughlovin]

4myson - I feel for you... I have so been where you are at...and the saga with my son continues and although he is getting treatment at the moment I have no idea if it will take this time or if we will be barrelling down the roller coaster again soon.

But I have changed... I am not where I was a couple of years ago which is where you are now. That obsessive worry about my son, so you can't think or concentrate on anything else, and especially not on yourself. Don't get me wrong, I still worry and sometimes I still stew about things.... but I am also living my life, enjoying my 16 year old daughter and my life with my husband. Our home life is peaceful without my difficult child in the house.

Two things helped me immensely... one was seeing a good therapist. I went to see her because I knew I needed to let go... she helped me a lot in terms of figuring out how to handle certain situations with my son, what to do etc. I needed a really objective, knowledgable person to do that with. In the process she did help me to start letting fo of things I really could not control. I had this feeling that somehow I could DO something and there were situations where she helped me see that I really couldn't do anything.

The other thing that really helped me, and still does, is finding a really good parents alanon group. This helped me learn to let go more and helped me see that the best thing i can do is to live and enjoy my life as much as I can. The focus of alanon is on ourselves but it was hugely helpful to meet other nice and good parents who had a child with addictions... who could laugh at the stories or who knew what it was like to get calls from the police in the middle of the night etc. I know not everyone likes alanon because the focus is not on the addict...but on you. However taking the focus off of him and putting it on to me has been good for me.

So your therapist is right it is time to focus on you....problem is right now you have no idea how to do that. I get that, because I didn't know how to possibly do that when I was so worried about my sons safety and well being. So that is where you ask the therapist to help you, to figure out how you do that. And if you can find a good alanon group for parents I recommend you try it.

In the meantime keep breathing.

As to your 14 year old daughter... I suggest you find a good therapist and insist that she go. A good therapist will find a way to connect with her. I realized my daughter at about 14 needed to see a therapist becuase she had lived through a lot of tough stuff with her brother and it seemed like it was affecting her. I insisted she go and told her she needed to go at least once or twice. She did, liked the therapist and still sees her but not as often. It made a huge difference for her and my daughter is doing great.

Hang in there.

TL

 

[4myson]

TL, Thank you! I had just found a local alanon group and plan to go on Friday morning. Thank you for taking the time to give me your insight. Being on this site I don't feel alone and feel like I'm the only one going through this. Sorting out my feelings by writting down what is in my head at the moment helps me figure "me" out. Most of my focus right now is on my son, but when my daughter is home I give her all my attention. I will make an appoinment for her, and I hope she will open up to someone. Thank you again!

 

[buddy]

no advice, not my area... but really wanted to share my support...{{{{hugs and more hugs}}}}}