Just starting to see the signs

[tiredanddone]

My son is 14 and just got kicked off the baseball team for citizenship. In a matter of 3 wks I realized he was drinking with friends on one weekend, got stoned with other friends, sent a naked picture of himself to a girl and got arrested for stealing 2 candy bars at Vons. I am a single mom and im afraid to answer my phone thinking it will be somethine else that he has done. He wont do anything I ask him and I have to ask and get to a yelling point until he listens. Before things get to a point of no return for him I want to do something. Any suggestions. He doesnt seem to care about anything. Calls me names. I want to send him away to a place where he will realize how good he really has it. We are in San Diego, CA any places exist???

 

[rlsnights]

Welcome tiredanddone.

I can't speak to the question of a place to send him or even if that might be the right step to take at this point. I agree that there are some big red flags there.

What have you done so far in response to these things?

You make it sound like this is a very sudden change in him. Is that correct?

Is there any family history of mental illness or addiction in either side of the family. If he's adopted what do you know about his birth parents?

Sorry for bombarding you with questions but more info will help me (and others) offer appropriate advice/experience/insight.

In the meantime - setting clear firm limits and taking away all priviledges is often helpful to most people with difficult teens.

Patricia

 

[exhausted]

There are many good places. They are expensive. They don't always help either. My daughter came out even worse after 18 months. I would try other things first. Have you tried any counseling? Are you working with the school? If he has been arrested, once you go to court, you may be able to ask for some services from the state. At the least, the judge can court order some compliance from your son. Maybe he will be responsive. There is a reason he is turning to drinking and pot-some kids just experiment but it sounds like there is some anger in your boy. Take care of yourself at the very least and get some support. It is tough raising kids, especially alone, and especially when they don't fly a normal path.

 

[mrsammler]

Set very firm and clear rules and punish via taking away privileges/toys (i.e., cell phone, stereo, whatever) consistently and unwaveringly. It sounds like he's already into ODD mode--i.e., defiant and disobedient--and probably prepared to physically resist you if you attempt to discipline him, if he hasn't begun to do so already. Once he crosses that line, my experience is that it's very unlikely that normal in-home efforts at discipline will work, as he will be effectively "running the house" via force or the threat of it, and that changes everything. If you're already there or you get there, you need to think about putting him in therapeutic boarding school (very expensive, though) or some other sort of different residential arrangement. Teen boys with ODD, once they begin to use force to resist or defy or menace a single Mom, tend to become intractable problems unless presented with discipline/restraint by someone stronger than they are--it's typically all that will contain them.