Just stunned by my husband.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Mar 6, 2008.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    OK. I don't have any way to process this info. husband and I talked last week. I am dealing with major PTSD over the stuff that happened before I made difficult child leave.

    husband never really supported me - he stood there with the judge, he didn't contradict me, but he was just there, not actively supporting anything with difficult child, not one way or any other.

    I explained what had gone on the day I called the Sheriff and refused to let difficult child stay. husband had come home AFTER the Sheriff got there. I told the Sheriff the whole story - it is in the police report. husband saw the police report.

    husband says he thought difficult child just pushed me, maybe headbutted me??????????

    WTH planet is he living on?? Can I smoke some of that??????? (husband has NEVER abused substances of any kind, just for info.)

    The child wrestled me to the floor, kicked, punched and bit. All over asking if he had homework.

    It was the last straw. Jess, thank you and I were all too scared.

    Things are going well now, so my mind wants to start processing this. I just can't believe my husband. I don't even know how to talk to him.

    How do I cope with this on top of everything else? (husband says that I forced our son to leave, and maybe he should have gotten a place with difficult child, not divorce, just live in different houses??????) I have no reason why this even came up. difficult child is doing wonderfully with my parents - really thriving and growing. Has PLANS for his life - real, achievable plans!

    Thanks for any/all input on this.


  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Susie -

    I have no insight on this, but wanted to give you some hugs.

  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Yuck, I am confused... Sorry. Hugs to you.
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    husband & I spent a good 9 months in couples counseling over many of the tweedle antics we endured & our individual perception of those very antics. We argued, cried, laughed & slowly came to an agreement.

    That agreement was, from that point forward, support one another in decisions made on our children's behalf - more importantly, let go of the past. If we couldn't let go of what happened in the past, we would never move forward.

    The counselor was good - he allowed each of us to get our gripes out - to yell, complain, & tell the world (each other) how unfair it was that so & so did such & such.....outside of the office to others that wasn't on our "approved" b!tch list was only hurtful to our marriage. However, we did need at least one person outside of the counselor that we could bounce ideas off of & with who we could have a b!tch feast.

    I have to tell you Miss Susie, this has been a work in progress. A difficult child brings so many unknowns into a marriage. Brings so many situations which we, as parents, have to make decisions or react with-o any time for real thought. That's why it's so important that you & husband as a couple sit down during a quiet period & work out any worst case scenario you can think of ahead of time & what your joint decision will be.

    I gotta tell you this took husband & I hours & hours; there were many tears & heartaches working this out. There would have been any way, but at least we knew ahead of time what our course of action will be - the last time we had to pull that out for wm, the emotion just wasn't there anymore. We had all ready processed it.

    We're doing the same for kt now, even as we speak.

    In the meantime, you need the help for the PTSD - I would expect your entire family does. Your difficult child was equal opportunity with the amount of trauma he spread about the family.

    I wouldn't react to husband's responses over this period in your family's life. Unless you & husband are willing to work this out together with an objective counsellor - I'd let go of husband's response. It may been his way of survival. His way to comprehend - understand that his son would do these kinds of things. Again, I'm not making excuses or judgements, that's not my place - just a possible thought for you.

    (((hugs))) to you this early Friday morning. It's hard to start processing these past events after the dust has settled & you feel strong enough to look at things in a new light.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. I know how hurt you must feel over this. Sending gentle hugs your way.
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sometimes denial is the only way to survive mentally. This may be your husband's way to cope with the pain of knowing his beloved son beat up his wife. I agree that couples counseling may be a good thing. It sounds like there is anger on both sides -- you because he has not supported you the way you feel he should and he because you forced his son to live elsewhere. I'm sure that to him his standing before the judge and not contradicting what was said, not denying anything was in fact support. Obviously, you wanted and needed more.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so badly about this. There are times I am ever so greatful that I raised my daughter alone. At least I didn't have to resent someone else for not understanding. Good luck and I hope you find a resolution that you can live with and will keep your marriage together.
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I think Linda & meowbunny said it right. You need to let it go, unless you plan to do something constructive with it. And yes, I think this is a classic denial, because it's easier for husband to think this rather than accept the really awful alternative.

    You felt husband didn't support you. husband sounds like he was shellshocked. If he felt at that time that what you were saying to the judge was a major overexaggeration, then why didn't he say something to the judge in support of his son? Why didn't husband challenge you about it, call you on it either in front of the judge, or later?

    husband clearly has regrets. He probably wishes you were all back together, playing happy families. In order to hold this dream he has to ignore some unpalatable truths. He also has to tell himself that difficult child was hard done by, that you were overreacting. The alternative is just too awful, his mind won't let him go there. It's easier for him to disbelieve you.

    If you think there is a chance for you all, then yes, try to get some answers and come to some sort of resolution. If you feel you have moved on and need to continue to do so, then ignore this and walk away.

    How do you think things would have gone, if husband had moved in with difficult child somewhere? What would have happened when husband asked difficult child if he had any homework? Was husband engaged enough for this scenario to be likely? If not, then don't engage in this rehashing of ancient history.

    You sound like you have some PSD to deal with still, while husband has to deal with his guilt, preferably without dumping the whole lot of it onto you, just so he can feel his conscience is clear.

  8. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Susie, I think everyone processes things differently. Not to mention it probably looks different from his shoes than yours.
    Be sure that you did the right thing for your safety and give husband the benefit that he wasn't there and can't possibly feel what you felt.

    I think getting help with the communication and marriage part is a good idea as Linda has done and said.
    If this is a good man who has been a team player all your married life, then you have to accept that he will think differently than you. Doesn't mean that you aren't hurt and defensive by the man you built a life with would think you sent difficult child away. It's unfair to not give you the benefit of the doubt as you want to give him.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Susie}}} I'm sorry about this. H and I often seen things from completely different perspectives and that is usually because he is not in the thick of things as I am when it comes to difficult child. It's difficult and count us among those who have had to seek counseling to deal with this particular issue, among others.

    In particular, when difficult child was sexually assaulted H was he// bent on making her understand that it was ultimately her fault because she was talking to a creep on line. Meanwhile, I was just trying my hardest to be supportive of difficult child as she processed what had happened, how I felt deep deep inside, how this affected easy child and just making those danged counselor's appointment with difficult child. I literally had to DRAG H to a session so the counselor could help H put things into a better perspective as to how a 15 year old difficult child could be hoodwinked by a 29 year old predator. To this day, H still blames difficult child about 85%. I had to let that go and we have agreed to disagree.

    I hope you can find a way to get past this with H and he can find a way to understand better. Hugs~
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Huge Hugs - and you know - For me I get angry too with DF because I can't seem to make him see what I see. I swear even some times when we watch a show or a movie and we're telling someone else about it - I think - WTH was he watching? We both sat there and watched the same thing and saw the same thing and when it came out of my mouth it was - The sun was so bright, everyone was smiling, and the parade was beautiful and when he tells the story - it's "I'm hot, I hate people, and I guess it was a parade." and I think - WHAT?? It was NOTHING like that - whiner.

    We too went to couples therapy. BEST DANG thing we ever did - Like Timer and her hubby - we sat in a room and had a set of "rules" - no ugly words etc. And then we let it out in front of a non-partisan counselor who served as a referee. It was amazing to hear what he had bottled up inside and just when I thought "OH GOSH HOW STUPID" the counselor would turn and ask me what I felt about it, and warn me not to use the Ugly words like "STUPID is what I think." I had to search for alternative ways of expressing my disbelief. (I'm a wordsmith (lol) so after going down a list of adjectives as long as my arm while having a no no head shake each time) I landed upon - Mystified. Because really I was mystified at HOW he arrived at THAT line of thinking.

    Now we have learned to agree to disagree. And talk out what we are feeling because we learned HOW to discuss difficult child without trigger words that spark a fire and start an argument.

    I think somewhere there is a course called Learning to fight fair - but without an impartial judge trained to stop the triggers - and teach you how to communicate fairly - you end up sullen, withdrawn, angry, fuming - and women same as men stew - just differently. We think about things all day over and over. It's how we process. Men think about it -and back burner it, but still think about it if their triggers are activated.

    I think from the outside if I had to guess - you are upset because it appears DF has not validated your pain. What you did was NOT easy. It was not pleasant and it was the only choice YOU felt you had. Given the same situation DF would have his own ideas, and thought processes about how to handle it and my feel that he's been included in every other decision regarding his son, but got shut out on this one. You put your son out - and that was IT - for you. I don't think he's bothered by the fact that your son is doing well or with your parents - I think it's still in his head that he had no say so in what went on. (MAYBE) I dunno - I'm only able to compare what we went through here to what you're going through. Most of DF's complaints regarding me were once I made a decision - STEEL DOOR SHUT. And he's right- I am that way. Or rather I was that way. Now I am able to have a partner that cares about what goes on and helps me make decisions and we're both able to see each other's view points without fear of fighting. Another thing I had no clue about was that DF had enormous guilt over thinking he had not done such a good job as a step-father (really DAD) and failed difficult child. They finally had that talk a week or so ago.

    It's a lot nicer way to live - and of course he always has to option to say :It is up to you - I'll back your decision, and vise-versa.

    Hope something in here helps you -
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    At the time husband suggested maybe a family with separate addresses. He really really did NOT want to do this. I asked him how it would work, I would be willing to try it for a predetermined amount of time. He backed down.

    I think he does have a lot of guilt. I know I have a lot of resentment and anger. I am doing what I can to work through it. Mostly my resentment comes from the fact that husband NEVER stepped up when difficult child got violent or raged. He would take Jess and thank you into another room for their safety. If difficult child came toward them husband would move him into the room with me or a room alone. All the times difficult child hit or hurt me in a rage husband NEVER came in and helped me stop him.

    I was alone with a raging child. By age 10 or so he was so very much stronger than I was. It was very scary.

    husband always said he was afraid he would lose his temper and beat difficult child to within an inch of his life. Then deal with the aftermath of abusing his child.

    I am trying to set up couples counselling. husband will go. Not happily, but he WILL go. Mostly he is good about going if I let him know it is really important to me.

    We have done the fair fight counselling. It really does help - IF husband engages in any disagreement. Usually his response is silence. He has told me he needs to think and get back to me. I am fine with that. But he never gets back to me.

    This is probably going to be a big turning point in our marriage. I think it will work out as a better marriage. If it goes south, this may be the end. I will fight tooth and nail to save my marriage, but if husband won't engage, there won't be much hope.

    He really IS a wonderful man. I love him so very much. It makes it hard to process things. Especially when I feel so very alone.

    Any bets that this is a big part of the migraine?? I think it is. Will get shots tomorrow. And will get some relief from just processing it this much.

    Thanks everyone. Your responses are very on target, and just what I needed to hear.

    Linda, I know you have gone through the very violent times. It really helps to hear how you and husband cope with it. Thanks.

    Thanks every single one of you. I don't know what I would do without you. Over the years your help, ideas and support have meant so very much to me. And they are probably a big reason why my difficult child is doing so well. You gave me the ideas and strength to find out what really went on with him and to get the RIGHT help.


  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    OK, even if that is how he saw it, WTH does he come up with "just"?

    This reminds me of when M accused me (who never raised a hand to him once) of beating him with a wooden spoon throughout his childhood, and husband (who used to try to shove food down his throat and slap him in the face - all over my objections) said to the therapist "Well, maybe we did slap him around from time to time."

    We? :furious:

    It was a huge betrayal, and took years of therapy to get past. Granted, it was the last straw in his being unsupportive of me in the concerns I had for M, but to say "we" after all the times that I tried to step in and protect M and keep his self esteem going? I tell you, if I had money of my own at the time I would have walked.
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending understanding hugs your way. My husband is a wonderful man, hard working, loyal, loving etc. etc. He thinks I am the cat's pajamas. Are we on the same wave length? Usually, not. Does he "explain" how he is feeling? Nope.

    Sometimes he doesn't process what is going on because he is old, or because he is hard of hearing, or because he wants to be isolated and chill with a book. I believe, however, that most of the time he does not process because he knows that he and I can not solve the problems that we live with every day. I'm the family leader. He loves me and the boys. When I say "help" he does his best. That's the best he can give and as much as I would like more...it's not possible.

    Men and women are darn different. Hugs. DDD
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Under almost all circumstances husband let me deal with the difficult children. His excuse has always been he was afraid he'd "lose it", too. Personally, I think it's because he didn't want to "deal" with it. Which was fine by me, because on the rare occasion he did attempt to enforce rules he always went to the extreme on punishment that had to be later changed to fit the situation. (not good)

    BUT if either difficult child had attempted to be violent with me I know husband would be right there to put a stop to it. He's had to jump to my side to back me up once or twice.

    That is what I'd have the problem with, I think. That husband didn't stop difficult child's violence toward you, even if it meant just wrapping his arms around difficult child and holding him til he calmed down or something.

    And I'm with Witz, that "just headbutting" thing gets to me. I've been headbutted numerous times by Travis. Believe me, even when he was 2 I wouldn't have put a "Just" in front of it. Alot of physical damage can be done via headbutting.

    My husband pretty much stinks in the hubby dept, and parent dept, but he would step in to protect me from physical violence.

    I don't have any words of wisdom.

    I hope counseling works. I hope he steps up to the plate for you and your marriage.

    Many ((((hugs))))
  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Susie, I am glad husband will go to counseling. It sounds very much needed, even if its reluctant, maybe something will get thru.

    Ya know, I'm not sure this is relevant, but it pops to mind...when difficult child 1 was younger, and his take on reality and fairness askew, he would often go to grandma and complain. Particularly about me and how mean I was to him. Grandma would listen to him. She wouldn't agree, because she knew his take was skewed, but she didn't say anything to the contrary, either.

    This went on for some time and difficult child started telling me that grandma was agreeing with him. At first I thought he was lying. Then I finally figured out that grandma's silence, to him, meant she didn't disagree.

    I hope this works out for you. Many, many hugs.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Thanks again.

    I also had problems with "just" headbutting me. BUT difficult child was rarely violent with husband. husband refused to see difficult child's strength. It was not until I was screaming and tackling difficult child to drag him off Jessica as difficult child was strangling her that husband "saw" how strong difficult child was. And in a rage he was even stronger.

    I have had bruised ribs, vomiting, and other "fun" aftereffects of difficult child's headbutts. And all that by age 8.

    I think we will go to the domestic violence shelter for counselling. It is the aftereffects of violence we are dealing with. Maybe they can get through to him. They got through to my bro about his anger issues - a complete miracle.

    I know that husband rarely ever took difficult child's side, often said I was too physical with him. He meant in dragging him off his sibs, in physically holding him to stop the violence, that kind of thing. I tried to NEVER hurt difficult child when doing this, but sometimes it was unavoidable given the level of his strength. Sometimes we fell and it hurt. For both of us. Or he rolled into furniture or the wall in trying to get to a sib or to hurt me. I ALWAYS did my best to NOT hit him, etc....

    I know we had one therapist who pushed using a belt to stop "defiance". It only happened 2 times, and both husband and I barfed. We just couldn't hit him, it hurt us and he would egg us to hit him harder.

    So I worked my dangedest NOT to hurt the kid, to REACH him, but also to protect my other kids. husband seemed to just assume I would be OK with it all.

    We are going to get some help, I promise.

  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    In Dudes life I can count on one hand how many times I spanked him with a belt. It too made me sick and guilt ridden. The good think there is that you KNEW better. You NOW have other coping skills that you put into effect, and you pass those skills along to others here. Give yourself some credit for being able to deal with a a child like yours without physical retaliation. I think back and honest to God I wonder HOW I ever found the strength to keep from literally ripping his head off. And then I think - MY GOD - I WAS /AM a good Mom. Look what I did. Look what I did NOT do.

    In our case DF told Dude very matter of fact that should he ever hit or raise a hand to me - the police would be called. Dude over the years skirted the edges of that but only once did he ever raise a hand - and at that moment DF was on the phone calling the police and looked at me like - DO NOT DARE say IT IS OK. When Dude came home (via police) the cop and DF and I stood there and DF said "I think you owe your Mom an apology for raising a hand to her - but not now" and a few days later I did get a serious apology. After meeting us - the cop sort of jokingly said to DF - I think calling us for raising a hand was a good idea and DF said We have warned him for years to not do such a thing because it's not right - and the cop (no kidding) said - "Well I mean this in the most respectful way about your 'wife' but I think if she took a mind to - she could hurt a man." and DF said - THATS WHY I LISTEN - and they both got a good laugh. (I did not find it amusing) lol

    Don't beat yourself up - there are parents who still beat their children and think it's a spare the rod spoil the child thing - and while it is - I am sure God did NOT mean - go get your Dads leather belt and whail for 2 minutes on your child." A swat is usually sufficient - Dont eat the guilt - live the knowledge you know better.

  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    All I can say is been there done that. I hope your husband will see the error in his ways. It seems that allowing your difficult child to beat you up says an awful lot to your difficult child about your value. I don't know why our men can't see how valuable we are, and that not supporting us in these things makes the partnership of our marriages less strong. I look at it as each of us having equal shares in the marriage, and when one of us decides to not invest, the marriage becomes less valuable to each of us. When he casually throws away that little (or big) thing because he can live with it, when he knows I can't, he throws away a bit of each of our share in the marriage. That's fine, but why would you not want to have the best marriage possible? Everyone benefits!