Just when I think I've got this the bottom falls out!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Mar 26, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    So I have been doing pretty good for awhile. Starting to feel better physically and mentally. Then My daughter starts up all over again! I keep thinking....when this happens again I am going to be strong and handle it differently....Do I? NOOOOOO I let her get me all upset and crying and feeling miserable again. Today started off really well. I had my grandson and my other daughter and I took her little boy and we got their pictures taken. They turned out really well! Then we all went back to her house and boiled eggs and colored them, and then went to my daughters inlaws for easter dinner. It was a fun day. Then my Difficult Child calls and asks me to keep my grandson another night....I love him but would like to have a little time for myself. I told her no, and told her I would bring him home around 7. Then she replies "well if he dont kick me out before you get here" (meaning her sons father) She always throws those remarks at me, trying to make me see how horrible she has it. I told her I was tired of hearing them, and then she went into one of her verbal attacks on me about how horrible of a mother I am to not let her move in with me. She says she has friends whos parents have let them move in until they get on their feet. But she does nothing to help herself! And No one cares what happens to her and she really has an awful family blah blah blah!! Well we were suppose to celebrate my grandsons 4th birthday on Sunday. I had bought him a thomas the train cake, bought plates napkins cups forks because they dont have the money. But when she yelled at me I took my grandson home gave her everything I had bought and told my grandson happy birthday. Her boyfriend says arent you coming tom. I said no and cried all the way home!! I hate that I am not strong enough to not let her bother me, so I will sit here all night being sad and bumbed out because things will never change.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If she has borderline, stability will NEVER last long. It is good for you to maybe get into therapy yourself to learn how to handle her many tirades, manipulations and ugly, untrue accusations.

    Baloney by the way that many parents welcome abusive, lazy forty year olds back home. Shes playing you and you havent yet learned to cut ger off and end the conversation as soon as the abuse starts. She gets power from your tears. She is borderline.

    There is a good book out for family members of borderlines (and she does sound like it). The book is called "Stop Walking On Eggshells." I dont remember the author...think her first name is Randi its easy to find on Amazon. Just type in the name of the book

    Its time to dry your tears, stop listening to abuse, and learning to take care about yourself and learning to cope with a borderline daughter. She was cruel to make you cry and ruin your night.

    Its time to learn what experts recommend and to not expect this particular daughter to suddenly offer you stability in how she relates to you. Those expectations devestate you. As soon as you dont do what she wants, she turns abusive. You are not her slave nor her verbal punching bag. I hope you are ready to learn detachment skills. You are not responsible for your middle aged daughters poor choices, including the relationships she chooses. She can go to a domestic abuse shelter if its that bad.

    Hugs and try to enjoy the rest of the holiday. Maybe your difficult daughter should not be around you right now. You probably wont enjoy the party, sadly. Maybe you can spend tomorrow with your kinder daughter. You are kind yourself and deserve respect.

    Big hugs.
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    Last edited: Mar 26, 2016
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Soooootired, how I feel for you. This is the hardest thing known to man. I so understand the pain of it and being so tired of it all. Your daughter, like my two, has made some horrible choices. They are her choices. She is 39 years old, and there are places out there where she can get the help she needs. We are not trained to handle the kind of counseling both she and her children need to come to grips with the reality of this lifestyle.
    You are strong, Soooootired, you did not let her verbal abuse manipulate you into doing what she wanted you to do. That is big, and it is hard. She will have to learn that she cannot dump all of this on you. Of course it is upsetting. This is abuse of your love for your grandchildren and her. You deserve to have some time for yourself to relax. You have value and you matter. Shame on her, for trying to put her choices on your doorstep. Stay strong, your response is appropriate and correct. We are not doormats to be used and disrespected. Although you are sad and feeling down right now, you were very strong in standing up for yourself. THAT is the example your daughter needs to see.

  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    For the record, Soooootired, I think our kids have a way of sensing that we are feeling better and stronger, then woooomph, rip the rug right out from beneath us to get us upset, dazed, hurt and confused. They are hurting from their choices and they want us right there with them. They want us in this state, so that we cannot think straight, cannot think for ourselves.....
    BALDERDASH! This is for you, and me, and all of the moms here, who have had enough and need to get back on our feet and take care of ourselves.........

    We have a lot of fight left in us, and darnit, we MATTER!
    Sad, mad, determined
  5. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    Thank you Leafy. You make me cry but it's because you get it, you understand and you ALWAYS say the right thing.
    This is wonderful place for struggling, sad parents. This page is always open on my ipad. I don't write often but I read everyday. Thank you, all of you, wise and wonderful people.
    Soooootired, I send you love and hope you can find some peace. It's all we want really xxx
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  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hey UKMummy, I'm blushing.....thank you. It's hard enough to be hoping and praying for our kids and grandkids to have better lives, try to build ourselves up too, then have these adult children act like we have to carry them for the rest of our lives. We don't. They need to learn.
    Soooootired, I know it's hard because of your grandkids, you love them, but I think SWOT
    gave some good advice about stepping back a bit from your daughter. Try to take a little break to build your toolbox up. You deserve some peace in your life.
    UKMummy, so nice to see you posting. I hope things are going well for you and your family.
    Take care and have a wonderful Easter all....
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Some d c are difficult because their personalities are altered due to drug addiction. Some were easygoing kids who got a bug up their butticks because for various reason, they cant launch or wont or want us to keep paying for them as if they were stil'll children. In both cases, once nice kids can be abusive. Mean even. But once they stop using drugs, if they do, or get over the launching fear, if they do, the abuse stops and you get some version of your child back.

    A personality disorder is different and its different from other mental illnesses too. Usually medications and therapy, if the adult will even go doesnt help unless the person acknowledges that THEY have to change, not everyone else around them. This is rare, but some borderlines see how they chase everyone away and make poor choices and are emotionally all over the place and some ask for serious help. It is a long hard road with dialectal behavioral therapy leading the success train. But a person has to want to change to be allowed in and informed mental health experts (those who understsnd the traits unique to borderline) set healthy boundaries with.their patients, such as "I wont take phone calls between sessions" and the patients learn that they mean it and wont make exceptions.

    Most personality dusordered adults had the traits from early on. So they merely escalate as they get older. Some do melliw in middle age. Nobody kniws why. Many are borderline to the last breath. Experiences in life and hurting others doesnt change them. They lack empathy. But our behavior toward them can at least show them that it is pointless to use US as a verbal or physical punching bag or an ATM. Less is more with borderlines. You tell your answer once. When the abuse starts you leave the conversation. This is good for all abuse toward us, but there is no other way to stop the constant verbal abuse from a borderline than to refuse to accept it. If you accept it, they will oblidge.

    Most borderlines are undiagnosed because they wont admit that the problems are theirs, not everyone elses. There is a forum for parents of borderlines on a site called borgerline central. You can read a lot about borderline, and how others handle it, there.

    In the meantime, remember im not a dictor. Just did my homework on all personality disorders. Most regular therapist miss the diagnosis because the borderline lies to them about what is going on. So the therapist has nothing honest to go by. Often they use therapists as biotch boards about people who wont bend to their wills.

    Borderlines can seem to be nicer for a while, but always eventually implode...and if you dont do what they demand, then it is all your fault. They are hard to deal with, which is why its helpful to learn the best way to do it. Many go low or no contact with them, but I dont see you doing that right now. If she is in your life, it would best help for you to learn strategy to handle her.

    Borderline is 75 per cent females.

    I am in my 60s too. It is very unhealthy for us to deal with this kind of stress and abuse at our age.We earned a quiet retirement. Enough is enough. Jmo

    I'm so sorry. Hope you start taking care of YOU now. Sadly, you cant and won't change your daughter and even sadder, she has all the legal power over her child unless you can prove she and boyfriend physically abuse him. It is not your fault. Your hands are tied.

    Happy day, I hope.
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    Last edited: Mar 27, 2016
  8. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger. She has another book called The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. Both are extremely helpful in teaching the reader strategies for coping with hard to handle family members. The quote at the top says, "This book offers hope for those who think their situation has none."

    soooootired, I think your delivering the birthday party items to your daughter was smart. You sent a clear message that her poor behavior caused you to withdraw from the birthday celebration. But, you still wanted your grandson to have a party.

    Many hugs for your hurting heart.
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  9. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    My daughter is borderline. Not sure what came first - the borderline and then the drugs, or the drugs and then the borderline. She also has a brain injury that on top of the borderline and changes that the drugs have done to her have created a person I no longer know. She cycles quickly from fine to complete chaos. Being with her is like sitting in a room in which someone is constantly turning the light switch on and off.

    Therapy helped me A LOT. Reading as much as I could about borderline helped me A LOT. I am deeply sad FOR her now and most of the time can distance myself and not take the things she says and does personally.

    That said, she has no children and I thank God every day for that. I don't know what I would do if I had grandchildren trapped in her chaos. It would kill me. But don't feel bad that you "aren't strong enough" to put up with her behavior. It has nothing to do with "being strong enough." Trust me. The best thing you can do with a borderline is not "reward" that behavior, and they get their "reward" when you continue to engage in it. Even if you think you are "talking sense" or trying to help or just being there, when they act that way and you take it, it reinforces that what they are doing is ok. Learning that helped me a lot, and my daughter knows I will hang up, walk away, not answer messages when she acts that way. I will not reward her with my attention when she cannot behave appropriately. Do we have a lot of contact? No. But when we do, it is civil because it is what I require.

    Hang in there and quit beating yourself up. It is her, not you. There is help for borderlines, but the hardest part is getting them to admit it is within them and not everyone else and for them to want to change. My daughter isn't there yet, either. She may never be. But that doesn't mean I have to tolerate her abuses, accusations, manipulations, guilt trips, or attempts to obligate me to things. Neither do you.
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  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Sooo Tired...I didn't read all the other responses...but wanted to give you a big hug! The "other people let their kids move in" is SO hard. I'm dealing with it right now...and mine doesn't even ask! But with him displaced by the fire, I keep wondering if we shouldn't let him stay because that's what parents DO! Other parents would! Typical parents of typical kids, that is. And it drives home over and over that we don't get the privilege of being those parents. It's so hard.

  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    No they don't. Parents of typical kids help out. But that doesn't guarantee "moving home".
  12. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Well follow up on the birthday party for my grandson....my daughter texted me that night and apologized and said she wanted me to be at his party, so I said I would come for my grandsons sake. Well when it came time for the party I started to leave and my other daughter calls me and tells me not to bother because my Difficult Child was having a meltdown because the boyfriend took off and hadnt come back for his sons party! So my sane daughter took them to her house to have his party because she felt bad for him. My daughter texted me and said that my Difficult Child did not even get involved with the party, but sat and texted on her phone the whole time! Needless to say I was upset so I texted the boyfriend to tell him how awful it was that they both ruined their sons birthday. Then he starts texting me back that it is all my fault because all my daughter wants from me is my love and acceptance and I am the reason she is how she is. He called me quite a few nasty names, then said I was a miserable old lady!!! This miserable old lady has given them food, money, kept their son in clothes and shoes!!! I have so had it with both of them. If it wasnt for my precious grandson I would have no problem with zero contact !!!!
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This sounds quite familiar, the drama and chaos of it, down to the preoccupation with texting and not helping. We have been there.......
    Well, so much for regret, remorse or learning. Soooootired, I understand your texting him, but these people have made it pretty clear that they will do what they do, regardless of how anyone feels about it, their kids included. His response was wrong and uncalled for. Just one more thing for you to be upset about. There is nothing you could text or say at this point that would convince them otherwise, it is everyone else's fault in their world. It is similar with my two, I have adopted the "less is more" theory of communicating with them, for now. Still hope for change, but until I see it, less is more.
    I know the feeling. It is hard to deal with unreasonable, immature, irresponsible , ungrateful adult children.
    Less is more.
    There is a way to be involved with our grands, but limit conversations with their parents.
    The hugs and love we give our grands just may be the respite they need. Something they look upon with fondness.
    It doesn't mean we have to be completely involved to the point of stressing ourselves out.
    I think the grands know we love them dearly.

    Hang in there dear, hugs to you.
    Take some time for yourself to breathe.

  14. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    thank you!! I dont know what i would do without all of you !!! hugs and more hugs!!!!
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion you should 100 percent stay out of daughters and boyfriends business. They will only turn the blame on you and they wont stop acting badly. They wont feel ashamed...neither one. They lack empathy.For your own sake dont text this man or your daughter to tell either one off.You ask for abuse when you do this.

    Detach, detach, detach...or YOU will hurt and nothing will change and worst of all both will think you deserve the abuse. See your grand when you can but avoid his parents. Expect them to do bad things. Its what they do, who they are and you cant change it.

    You are giving your dsughter love. It is she who wont or cant love you. Be good to yourself:)
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2016