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General Parenting
Just when I was becoming more sure of myself...
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 410937" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Hi... I couldn't resist replying to your post (even though I am supposed to be working - I work at home!) because I can really identify with your uncertainty and self-questioning about all this... Advice is cheap, as they say - which doesn't mean it is not valid sometimes but just that, when you look at it objectively, you are the ones who are really in the best position to know what is happening with your son, given your intimate, long knowledge of him, rather than an acquaintance who is very much on the outside looking in... So much, so obvious. But then, there are SO many questions and doubts around all this - how much is down to parenting and circumstances, how much "belongs" to the child and perhaps what is happening in his brain, things he cannot "help"? Only a fool would pretend to know the exact answer to that... But... it does sound as if your son wants power and this is what he is unconsciously searching for by behaving like this - accent on the unconsciously. The power could be just in getting you all worked up, whatever it is. The reason I dare say something like that is because it is the conclusion I have come to with my own son, who is four years old and often absolutely sweet and delightful but also a holy terror at times when he is thwarted... I see that he cannot bear to lose, even silly board games and the like, and that being in control is very important to him. There might be all sorts of reasons for that to do with his history. What I find helps me above all is not to BLAME him for his behavious (sometimes hard), which also doesn't mean of course that he shouldn't know when he has transgressed a boundary or when he has made others uncomfortable or whatever because of his behaviour. But I truly have found that when I respect my son, speak to him respectfully, he really rises to the occasion and often surprises me with his co-operativeness and compliance if I come from that frame of mind... I do feel communication is the key with these youngsters. But it is such a skill to learn - I am only just beginning; personally! </p><p>Please don't lose faith either with yourself or your little boy, however hard that might feel at the moment...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 410937, member: 11227"] Hi... I couldn't resist replying to your post (even though I am supposed to be working - I work at home!) because I can really identify with your uncertainty and self-questioning about all this... Advice is cheap, as they say - which doesn't mean it is not valid sometimes but just that, when you look at it objectively, you are the ones who are really in the best position to know what is happening with your son, given your intimate, long knowledge of him, rather than an acquaintance who is very much on the outside looking in... So much, so obvious. But then, there are SO many questions and doubts around all this - how much is down to parenting and circumstances, how much "belongs" to the child and perhaps what is happening in his brain, things he cannot "help"? Only a fool would pretend to know the exact answer to that... But... it does sound as if your son wants power and this is what he is unconsciously searching for by behaving like this - accent on the unconsciously. The power could be just in getting you all worked up, whatever it is. The reason I dare say something like that is because it is the conclusion I have come to with my own son, who is four years old and often absolutely sweet and delightful but also a holy terror at times when he is thwarted... I see that he cannot bear to lose, even silly board games and the like, and that being in control is very important to him. There might be all sorts of reasons for that to do with his history. What I find helps me above all is not to BLAME him for his behavious (sometimes hard), which also doesn't mean of course that he shouldn't know when he has transgressed a boundary or when he has made others uncomfortable or whatever because of his behaviour. But I truly have found that when I respect my son, speak to him respectfully, he really rises to the occasion and often surprises me with his co-operativeness and compliance if I come from that frame of mind... I do feel communication is the key with these youngsters. But it is such a skill to learn - I am only just beginning; personally! Please don't lose faith either with yourself or your little boy, however hard that might feel at the moment... [/QUOTE]
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