Just wondering where "me" is

[Steely]

because I think I have lost her.

I used to live my life according to such a moral compass, one of integrity and values. Now, it all seems nonsensical. I go to work every day, where they say they have values as a company, but they don't. I come home every night, and feel empty and hollow - and the one person (H.) that used to keep me anchored in integrity and reason is gone. Now, I feel as if I do not care. If a guy uses me, or my work screws someone around, or difficult child fails, what does it matter?

It seems like this life, that I thought had a really deep and meaningful purpose, is excessive and meaningless. I mean what does it matter? I have tried for over forty years to live an existence that holds value, and it has gotten me nowhere. Despite how much I have tried to make my experiences meaningful, they aren't. So, really, why do I care.
I might as well be an apathetic, superficial, piece of jello. Life is just the same.

 

[everywoman]

I think, Steely, we all get to the place you are at at least one point in our lives. I remember when things were really bad around here, I was there. I didn't leave my bedroom for days at a time. I was hopeless. But, I dug around and within me was a spark. So, I took it, flamed and blew and eventually a fire started. It's within you too, somewhere, and you will find it again. I can't imagine your loss. I can empathize with your feelings of hopelessness. But "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings a tune without the words and never stops at all/I've heard it in the strangest land and on the strangest sea/But never in extremity it asked a crumb of me." Dickinson. Just hang on. Listen to your heart, H is still there, and hope is still there. Trust in the future. Believe in yourself. Your life will have meaning again. God bless.

 

[witzend]

Ultimately, the only person whose opinion of us really counts is our own. I know you feel like letting things slide, but deep down you really are still you, and will have to live with whatever it is that you do.

That being said, I also feel like while we all have our own moral compass, no one stays the same person forever. Even when we have our down times eventually we learn and grow into a better and stronger person if what we are deep down inside is a good person with a strong moral compass.

You are a good person with strong morals who cares about people and would never carelessly inflict discomfort on someone else. I know that you are working because you need to, but is it at all possible that you could go to Vocational Rehab, or somewhere similar, and get a grant and/or student loans and/or scholarship money to go to school and train to be something that you really like to do? Maybe your parents would help you. I know that you are not on the best terms possible with them, but maybe they would want to help you feel better about yourself and to better support yourself, as well.

Are you seeing anyone that you can talk to about this? You have so much to offer, it's a shame to not see in yourself what a wonderful person you are.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[amazeofgrace]

but what color jello, would you be?

I completely relate to your post, especially after my run in with mother in law this afternoon. But when I read the last line, I thought to myself, she hit the nail on the head, but I would want to be orange jello with cool whip, why? Because Jello is actually one of the under-rated desserts, it comes in lots of pretty colors and it jiggles with energy and it's fat free! Desserts spelled backwards spells stressed, and who do we eat desserts with when we're stressed? Friends! And who are we surrounded by on these boards? Friends!

Sorry if I am sounding a bit "romper room meets Denise Austin", and I can't imagine how you're feeling from this loss. I am still struggling mourning the loss of someone who was bad for me.

<<<<<<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[Steely]

You know the irony is that H.'s best friend just told me that she did not want to see me on her upcoming trip to Oregon. Such a slam. One that H. would have done in her many moments of unhealthy interactions with me in the past. She and I did not always have a great relationship, sometimes it was rocky. In fact, many times, it was tumultuous. None the less, we had overwhelming unconditional love for each other - something that none of her friends could see.

Still, where is the meaning in life? I used to think, I had lived all of this hell for reason. The reason would be helping others. Yet hell just keeps multiplying, and now, the meaning is lost.

 

[klmno]

Steely, the other posters have had great things to say. The only thing I'd like to add is that TRY to keep your head in control. Yes, we've all had those desparate feelings and periods in our lives- maybe not so painful as yours, having lost your sister and best friend. I can't imagine how difficult that must be- on top of the struggles of raising a difficult child with the other obstacles you have had to confront. I wish I could send enough comfort and Hugs to mend it all... but I can't.

The good thing here is that you do see that your heart is going in one direction, but your head is trying to keep you focused on what you need to do. Try to think about how you will feel and what you will have wished you would have done - five years from now. Don't give into the negative feelings- they can never make you happier.

I know that I don't know you personally, but from your posts that I have read, it appears to me that you are a person that gains strength from exhibiting integrity and standing up for what you believe in. I take it that you have been a great Mom to your son and that he is starting to show appreciation for that. I think you have a sense of pride for being an advocate for our kids in general and you don't take ***from anybody.

Keep your head in control.... and HUGS!!! You deserve them!!

 

[Steely]

from your posts that I have read, it appears to me that you are a person that gains strength from exhibiting integrity and standing up for what you believe in.

That is exactly it KLMNO............I have lost the strength I used to get from having integrity. It is gone, worthless. Like who really cares anymore. It has gotten me nowhere, and had done nothing. Why even bother.

Witz, thanks but the same applies to finding a new career. It doesn't even matter anymore. It is just money.

Amaze........I have no idea what kinda jello I would be. Sorry. But I get your point completely. Jello bores me, I could be any flavor, eat any flavor, and not care. Which is how I fee about my life.

Every. That is what I want. The flame again. It has been snuffed out. I fear, eternally.

 

[KTMom91]

The others have said everything I could say. I just want to add my hugs and support. It will get better.

 

[Steely]

OK, so now I am worried that I am being a whiny poster.
Please tell me to stuff it if I am.
I don't want to be one of those posters that throws a pity party every 3 minutes.
I just feel so hopeless tonight.

 

[klmno]

See.. that is your heart talking- not your head. Your head knows that these feelings are not good for you. So, base your actions on what your head tells you- not your heart. Look at it as that your heart is wounded and vulnerable (which it is), but your head is wise and strong (which it is). You can't ignore the pain in your heart- and you shouldn't try- but make your life decisions based on what your head is telling you. And, yes, you can do it. Where the H**L do you think your difficult child will be if you don't?

 

[amazeofgrace]

geez and I was trying to find my recipe for flaming jello shots to cheer her up! I myself have already had one too many glasses of Zinf 2night

<<<still hugging>>>>>>>

 

[Star*]

For Steely - Love Star


I knew where Me - was

I often wonder where me is, if I shouldn't be, or if I is.
Am I important in this time and place, would it matter if I had no face?
Would anyone miss me if I just left, some days I really feel so bereft.
On occasion? I'm glad I'm here, but most days wish I could disappear.

I just don't know where I am anymore, where I'll be when I'm 44?
Other times I feel so on top, I'm ever so happy, I think I'll pop.
Then down I go to my pit of despair, it's ok -they know me there.
I think no one feels like I do today, if I were a feather, I'd just float away.

Has anyone seen me? I'm not sure where I went.
My brain starts to think, I explode and I vent.
Can't deal with today, yesterday's past.
Tomorrow can come but I hope it won't last.

I wish I could find me, I used to be great.
Then life handed me lemons and God dealt his fate.
In an instant my life became so hard you see.
I wish, and was wondering have you seen me?

I'm sure I am somewhere, I got here from there.
I long to be happy, and live life without care.
So I asked my friends did they know where I was?
Answered - yes we've all been there, Come home now -you're loved.

-You're not so far away Steely - Because I've been there too.

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[flutterbee]

Steely,

First of all, you're not a whiny poster.

There are no words in our language sufficient to articulate these feelings. And there are no words or answers that will miraculously make it better. I wish it were different. I wish desperately that I had those magic words and could make it all better.

I have never lost a loved one so tragically. But, I have experienced the feelings of despair and hopelessness and a meaningless existence. When I was in that very dark, oppressive place nothing was right in my world. And nothing was going to be right in my world. I wasn't in a place where anything could ever seem right. Everything was wrong. Very wrong.

You just exist. You go through the motions. You keep telling yourself those cheesy little lines that 'this too shall pass' and 'this is only temporary'. Any little thing that will get you through the next minute, the next hour, the next day. All the while you wonder why you are making such an enormous effort just to get yourself through another miserable, meaningless day.

It's not the big things that define a person. It's not the big events that come along a few times in a lifetime that keep us going. It's the little things. Find something that gives you even a second of peace or comfort or joy. And hang onto that. When you think you can't make it another minute, hang onto that brief moment in time where you felt peace or comfort or joy and believe with all your soul that there are more of those and that you *will* experience it again.

And it really is the little things. Early in the morning the bunnies come out. There's a big bunny, then a baby or two, then another big bunny. The only noise outside are the birds. It is so peaceful. So tranquil. And it brings me joy and comfort to take pleasure in these little events that go on around me. It seems silly. But in my darkest times, these little things are what kept me going. I wanted to see the bunnies every morning.

This past weekend when I was so distraught over my own issues, I kept the LionCam that SRL posted the link to up on a separate tab. I would keep it up for hours and flip back and watch here and there. It brought me peace. It made me smile.

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you, my friend. You are loved. You are cherished.

 

[DammitJanet]

I ditto what Heather said.

I havent gone through what you have so I cant pretend to understand your pain but I have been severely depressed. There was a time not long ago that I had decided that I was going to kill myself but there were a few things that I wanted to do before I left this world. None of them really had much to do with my family but they were more about things that I hadnt done that I wanted to do. One of them was that I wanted to crochet an afghan of all things. Yes I know how odd that sounds....lol.

Well I got yarn and I started working on my "suicide afghan". I am not a good crocheter and the only stitch I am very good at is the granny square so I made a huge multi-color square and kept making it bigger and bigger until it was the size of my King sized bed! When I thought it was big enough I never really tied it off and finished it. I just put it up in the closet. I figured that I still am not ready to finish that afghan and end it all quite yet. That afghan got me through the bad times and gave me something to focus on. I guess if I ever take it down and finish it I will know its my time to go. Thats actually a key phase with my therapist....that I am going to finish my afghan.

Find something mindless that you have always wanted to do but have never done...even if its small and stupid...and do it. Just fake it until you make it.

 

[witzend]

Maybe it is just money, hon. But happy is happy, and you might as well be happy while you're earning it. You work in a place you hate with people you don't respect. Maybe working someplace nice with people you like doing something you enjoy would bring happy back.

 

[tryinghard]

Steely,

Funny, I have not posted in a while because I am a bit down and overwhelmed right now with a lot of things. This morning I am driving to work and out of the blue think, "what happened to me" so your post drew me in....

What I was thinking is that I have given and given and given to everyone....I feel there is no me left..

I have decided that to find "me" I am going to do something I have always wanted to do...to give me a "purpose" to make me feel like I am doing something to help...

I am planning on going down to a women's shelter and see what I can do to help.

I really feel in my soul that if I somehow give to others, I will find "me" again.

This thought brought me A LOT of peace today. I am looking forward to it.

I am not sure if that will help you or not....but I have always admired your wisdom and caring on this board. I know you could make a huge difference in someone's life. (Which you already are in many ways, including being a contributor on this board)

For me, I feel if I give, it will help me feel like I have a purpose in this crazy world......

I wish you peace Steely...you deserve it. HUGS>>>>>

 

[totoro]

I don't know. Everyone has said such wonderful things. Have you told your therapist how much you are feeling or not feeling? Does your therapist take you seriously?
I just don't know?
For some of us when we sink, it is medications, it is a change (job,lifestyle, diet) for some of us it is Hospitalization if it takes us down too far.
Exercise. A hobby. Volunteering.
For everyone it is something different. Sometimes it is the spark in our hearts... the will to live and see the light of day and the beauty in tomorrow.

I am so sorry you are sinking. I wish we could raise you up. I hope you find the light in yourself and an answer to help relieve your pain soon.
Despite your despair, you will feel sunlight in your heart again, one day.

 

[Fran]

Steely, what's the alternative to living a life with a moral compass and integrity? You either are or aren't trying to do the right things. Sometimes we fail at making the better judgment but most humans try.
Your sadness is all around you. Your disappointment is loud and clear. Your pain is very raw. It is not a good time to make assumptions about how the rest of the world doesn't have what you think they should such as an employer or parents or H's friends. Your vision and judgment may be clouded by the sadness that overlays it.
It's just money but it isn't. It's food, house, car, clothes and security. Don't think for a second that being self supporting doesn't affect self esteem. If this job doesn't pan out then you may have to look for another. In between you can see how others deal with the work woes. It may give you a different insight.
I truthfully don't understand the friend or your parents who say they don't want to see you or have you involved. I was pretty surprised when your parents said that during the search for H. Either they are incredibly insensitive or are you projecting some sort of negativity? You never struck me as being an offensive person so I'm assuming they aren't as loving as they could be.

The search for finding me is really a search for how "me" fits into the next chapter of your life. What you thought of a moral compass may be shaped a little differently.

I may be wrong but I get the feeling you are terribly lonely. You seem somewhat isolated. I hope things improve for you and you like the "me" that has evolved from the pain and angst.

Many hugs. There was a time when I hit rock bottom. I tend to internalize my criticism. It hurts me to look into that mirror but honesty and even pain is the only way that we move forward on this road.

 

[ML]

Coming from a true "whiny" poster (lol) .... you are NOT. You have a lot of people here who love you and care that you are hurting.

Part of this is grief, part life transitioning. I know I tend to go zen at times but might I suggest not trying to change what you feel, at least for a little while. This is what it is and I don't see how you can not go through it. Your loss was life changing. Of course you're going to be jello till you figure out how you want to mold your life. Just remember you have everything you need inside yourself. You have support here, Keeping using it.

You will get to the other side of this. Be kind to yourself and know how magnificent and amazing you truly are. ML

 

[tryinghard]

How are you feeling today? I thought about you a lot last night.

HUGS