Just wondering where "me" is

[Shari]

Steely,
***
Many hugs. Your pain breaks my heart.
***
Your last post about your relationship with H. made me think of something, tho. I lost my dad 15 months ago. Not nearly so tragic, but ever so sudden. For those first several months, all I could think of was how great he was. Almost put him on a pedastal. Then 6 or 7 months into it, the reality of who he was started creeping into it, and at first, I hated those thoughts and feelings; he was gone, and I missed him, how dare I think something not-so-postive about this great man.
***
My dad was a wonderful man. I loved him dearly. But he wasn't as perfect as I made him out to be those first 6 months after he left us. He could be judgemental and tacky, he wasn't the best husband to my mother, he wasn't a perfect father, and sometimes I got downright angry at him. He did a lot for the community, but sometimes left his family to fend for themselves thru the years...he was human, just like the rest of us, and tho I still miss him dearly, his "human-ness" started to come back to me...that maybe he didn't deserve to be quite as high on that pedastal as I had placed him... And that was hard to think about.
***
I don't know if possibly this is possibly where you might be, but it was my experience. I loved my dad with all my heart and would give anything to have him back, thorns and warts and all, but remembering he had thorns and warts hurt, too.

 

[TerryJ2]

Steely, been there done that. Totally empty.
Staring at the computer screen and wondering what the point of reading anything would be.
Wondering why no one has sent me emails.
Wondering why I should bother to do another painting when it will only pay for a cpl pr of shoes but never make the mortgage payment.
But I discovered that ea day is different. When I get a good day, it seems so rare, so created by chance, I'm worried it will never come again.
But it does.
I agree with-Michele, that you are in transition. You've lost your best friend, your sister. It seems like you have nowhere to turn. And yeah, that so-called friend is a jerk.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just keep breathing. Something will change because you keep going, and truly, if you fake it you will make it.
I don't think you're whiny. I think you've been through a lot and you're coping. Really.

 

[mstang67chic]

I think you've gotten a lot of good words and advice. I don't think I could add anything or say anything better. So.....I'll send hugs and tell you that you're NOT being a whiny sad sack. We've told you before, post as much as you want!

 

[Wiped Out]

Steeley,
You are definitely not being whiny. The others have said it so much better than I could. Please know you are in my daily prayers. (((hugs)))

 

[amazeofgrace]

<<<<HUGS>>> thinking of you as well

 

[Steely]

Thanks guys. You all said so much that I need to absorb and contemplate. I had not gotten to read your posts until tonight, and that was probably better, because I am in a better place to hear them. Each and every one of them deserves a re-read and a lot of contemplation.

Someone mentioned the little things, and it is funny because before I even read the board I came home from work, walked in the door, and my 3 dogs jumped up on me, and starting whining and licking me. It was the first time today I genuinely smiled, and I realized that sometimes it is the little things. Now the youngest one is trying to steal a granola bar and eat it wrapper and all without me noticing. I love these guys.

And yes, I think I am starting to feel anger at H now. Tons. Today I was consumed by anger. Anger towards H, my parents, the ding dong dip ****s at work. Seriously!
But also really angry at myself - for being here in my life. Yes, Fran I am utterly, deeply, lonely. Yet I find it nearly impossible to make friends on a deep level.

I don't get my family. I have not one possession of H.s. It was all given to her girlfriend, because that is what H told her friends she wanted if she died. OK, I can respect that - but not one thing? And now her best friend is visiting H's house, dog, girlfriend - but does not want to connect up with me? It is all really fishy and weird sounding to me. And yet my parents just want to honor H., and what she would have wanted without thinking twice about how weird it all is. I have lost everything. H., any possessions, any keepsakes - it is all just memories - and blurred ones at that.

And volunteering. Yes, I have to do that. I know it is a missing chunk in my life.

Anyway. Thanks again for all of your insight. You are a brilliant bunch of people, and I feel proud to be a part of us. Somehow I will figure this out. I am just so glad I can write it/talk it out........

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Sending some hugs your way.

beth

 

[Star*]

Steely,

What would be wrong - with writing your sis' girlfriend and telling her that you are

having a hard time
feel so disconnected
miss her terribly
loved her
would like to have a momento if she could part with it

?????

 

[Steely]

Maybe pride and anger???
I feel as if I should not have to ask.
I don't really know. Good question.
I feel, I guess wounded, and like a bad kid that deserves nothing because I was a bad sister. (There is merit to that statement, given our past S.A. history, etc - it is really complicated.) And that if I was to get something from H it should be as a gift, not because I took it.
Wow, deep realization there.

 

[Shari]

Every once in a while, I wish my hubby would give me something romantic.

He's not a romantic person.

If I want something from him, I have to ask.

Honey, ask, even maybe to just borrow something for a while. Worst thing they can say is no.

 

[Christy]

I know that I appreciate your good sound advice when I post about a problem that I'm facing and I am sure others feel the same. So know that even if things seem meaningless in other area of life, we rely on you here. Your experiences and insight help others.

 

[Abbey]

Yes, Fran I am utterly, deeply, lonely. Yet I find it nearly impossible to make friends on a deep level.

Steely, hon...you're not getting it. You have a few thousand FRIENDS. We may never meet face to face, although that has happened many of times, we are friends on a deep level.

Heck...if you want to get away, you could come to Vegas and stay with me and my friend on my inflatable bed. (Wait a minute...that came off wrong. It's not me and my friend on the inflatable bed. It's MY inflatable bed and he in another room. Geez..I digress.) I'd even buy you a KING size one. (That's what I'm reduced to right now, but it could be fun.) I'm trying to be positive.

I'll be there until the end of July. I could dress you in costume and you could help me come demo!!! How exciting is that???

There is even a portal to the CatBus very near by. It could be a good getaway!!

Abbey