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Justin Home Visit - I feel Strange - Unclear
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 136212" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>David, </p><p></p><p>Hi there, how goes your life and sobriety? You are in my thoughts and prayers. </p><p></p><p>While most of the visit sounded like typical teen - I would like to offer a read between the lines point of view. </p><p></p><p>He's doing well - that is great. He has a TON of structure where he is and every minute is planned out. Down to shower, brush teeth, crafts, and bedtime. When you bring a child home from an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) visit and see progress it is a HUGE trap to get caught up in - Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is for your behavior and NOW.....DISNEYLAND - come home and we'll buy you stuff, allow certain behaviors to be slightly overlooked and for a change YOU get to be the "FUN" parent. It can be destructive and addictive. </p><p></p><p>Ask yourself if ANY of the things you did with Justin this weekend were things he NORMALLY does at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - and things that you KNOW (trips to wm, buying movies, a 200.00 guitar) They wouldn't do there - resist the temptation to do too. If you ask him to complete a task - he should do it. If he had been asked to cook or bake at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and walked away would the director have cleaned up the mess and finished? Nope - not likely. </p><p></p><p>So be careful on that. It's VERY HARD to not want to leave your house and just BUY BUY BUY and go and do-----but my suggestion would be sit down the DAY before you go get him and write out a schedule - print a copy out and hand it to Justin and say "Okay here's OUR schedule" and stick to it as close as possible. Spontaneous entertainment is lethal. It's lethal because he already manipulated the situation at the music store. That could have been a GREAT GOAL for him to reach his next level. Instead now it confuses him and he may think - HUH I did ONLY this good and got a $200 guitar and presents from Grammy, i didn't have to clean up the cornbread - so I guess I won't have to do much more to get A LOT MORE. </p><p></p><p>(Typical Teen yes - manipulative too) </p><p></p><p>And one other HUGE thing - And I can ONLY tell you this now because a lovely friend bought me this book called How to Talk so your Kids Will listen and How to listen so your kids will talk. IT IS AMAZING - They should give parents one the day the kids or born - OR in high school as a required course to learn how to communicate. </p><p></p><p>Let me see if you can pick out what it was - with a lesson </p><p></p><p>You are on your way home from a much needed and wanted vacation. You've had time to relax, you saw some old friends and they spoiled you with dinners, shows - clothes. And now you are headed back to the real world...your world. The daily grind, up at this time, stress, do this, do that - and most of your job you aren't really in love with but it pays the bills. And sitting next to you on the plane is your best friend in the whole world - you respect and admire this persons opinion of you to the nth degree. You comment "I hate going back to work I wish we could keep on with the vacation, I'm having such a good time." and your friend looks at you and says....."David you are just silly." </p><p></p><p>Now pretend the friend you admire most in the worlds says: </p><p></p><p>"You know David sounds like you would love to stay on vacation - me too." </p><p></p><p>Which would you rather hear out of your friend? </p><p></p><p>What I am learning is if you minimize someone (anyone child adult) feelings you are making it as if their feelings don't count. Seems harmless enough to say "OH you shouldn't cry or that didn't hurt" but it's lethal. </p><p></p><p>In Justin's mind - if you had said "Sounds like you would like to stay home." you are agreeing with him, not putting him down, and opening a door to have Justing tell you A LOT more about the camp or WHY he wanted to stay home. THAT in turn leads to you being able to help Justin set goals....like "Well you know I think if you keep doing as well as you are you will be home in no time to get that guitar you wanted." </p><p></p><p>Believe me - I am NOT criticizing you because I'm only on chapter one and it's HARD to do the little lessons they have for parents but I've already tried this on Dude yesterday at our IEP meeting and the results were shocking to us both. (It's hard to get a rise out of Dude and I did just by validating how he feels and giving that emotion a name. </p><p></p><p>I am pretty sure you can get the book through amazon here and help out the site - and it's not a huge book either - a paperback - easy reading. </p><p></p><p>Hope this helps</p><p>Glad you had some time with Justin.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 136212, member: 4964"] David, Hi there, how goes your life and sobriety? You are in my thoughts and prayers. While most of the visit sounded like typical teen - I would like to offer a read between the lines point of view. He's doing well - that is great. He has a TON of structure where he is and every minute is planned out. Down to shower, brush teeth, crafts, and bedtime. When you bring a child home from an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) visit and see progress it is a HUGE trap to get caught up in - Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is for your behavior and NOW.....DISNEYLAND - come home and we'll buy you stuff, allow certain behaviors to be slightly overlooked and for a change YOU get to be the "FUN" parent. It can be destructive and addictive. Ask yourself if ANY of the things you did with Justin this weekend were things he NORMALLY does at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - and things that you KNOW (trips to wm, buying movies, a 200.00 guitar) They wouldn't do there - resist the temptation to do too. If you ask him to complete a task - he should do it. If he had been asked to cook or bake at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and walked away would the director have cleaned up the mess and finished? Nope - not likely. So be careful on that. It's VERY HARD to not want to leave your house and just BUY BUY BUY and go and do-----but my suggestion would be sit down the DAY before you go get him and write out a schedule - print a copy out and hand it to Justin and say "Okay here's OUR schedule" and stick to it as close as possible. Spontaneous entertainment is lethal. It's lethal because he already manipulated the situation at the music store. That could have been a GREAT GOAL for him to reach his next level. Instead now it confuses him and he may think - HUH I did ONLY this good and got a $200 guitar and presents from Grammy, i didn't have to clean up the cornbread - so I guess I won't have to do much more to get A LOT MORE. (Typical Teen yes - manipulative too) And one other HUGE thing - And I can ONLY tell you this now because a lovely friend bought me this book called How to Talk so your Kids Will listen and How to listen so your kids will talk. IT IS AMAZING - They should give parents one the day the kids or born - OR in high school as a required course to learn how to communicate. Let me see if you can pick out what it was - with a lesson You are on your way home from a much needed and wanted vacation. You've had time to relax, you saw some old friends and they spoiled you with dinners, shows - clothes. And now you are headed back to the real world...your world. The daily grind, up at this time, stress, do this, do that - and most of your job you aren't really in love with but it pays the bills. And sitting next to you on the plane is your best friend in the whole world - you respect and admire this persons opinion of you to the nth degree. You comment "I hate going back to work I wish we could keep on with the vacation, I'm having such a good time." and your friend looks at you and says....."David you are just silly." Now pretend the friend you admire most in the worlds says: "You know David sounds like you would love to stay on vacation - me too." Which would you rather hear out of your friend? What I am learning is if you minimize someone (anyone child adult) feelings you are making it as if their feelings don't count. Seems harmless enough to say "OH you shouldn't cry or that didn't hurt" but it's lethal. In Justin's mind - if you had said "Sounds like you would like to stay home." you are agreeing with him, not putting him down, and opening a door to have Justing tell you A LOT more about the camp or WHY he wanted to stay home. THAT in turn leads to you being able to help Justin set goals....like "Well you know I think if you keep doing as well as you are you will be home in no time to get that guitar you wanted." Believe me - I am NOT criticizing you because I'm only on chapter one and it's HARD to do the little lessons they have for parents but I've already tried this on Dude yesterday at our IEP meeting and the results were shocking to us both. (It's hard to get a rise out of Dude and I did just by validating how he feels and giving that emotion a name. I am pretty sure you can get the book through amazon here and help out the site - and it's not a huge book either - a paperback - easy reading. Hope this helps Glad you had some time with Justin. [/QUOTE]
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