Kanga is driving me nuts!

[JJJ]

She keeps trying to demand "passes" -- meaning time away from staff in the community. She also claims that one of her staff suggested that it would be a great idea for her to get a job at the gas station down the street from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

While I know you will be shocked, my answer was "no".

We have family therapy coming up on Monday and she asked today what I wanted to talk about in it. I told her that I wanted to talk about how she is still not accepting our decisions with the respect we deserve.

She immediately went off about how we don't have the right to make decisions for her, that she doesn't get why we keep saying 'when you're 18', and tried to argue that her definition of 'behaviors' is the one that should be used in all future conversations rather than the one found in the dictionary.

I guess that is one way to "win" arguments -- simply change the definition of the words so that they only mean what you want them to mean.

 

[gcvmom]

How many more months until she's 18?

 

[HaoZi]

Is her next project to write this dictionary out for you so communication channels are more clear? Bet that would be an interesting read!

 

[JJJ]

20.5 months until she is 18

 

[JJJ]

Oh no, because why should she write down what everyone should already know???? We are just being mean by misusing words...

 

[gcvmom]

So only, what? Six hundred twenty-ish days? Is it time to start the countdown clock yet? You need to start an emancipation party fund for yourself, JJJ. Put a dollar in a jar every day and then when she turns 18, treat yourself to something really, really nice.

 

[timer lady]

Come on, JJJ, you're not getting the "big" picture. wm lets me know on a regular basis what I can & cannot decide on his behalf ~ I do not have the right, yet I'm still his legal guardian.

I think our little wonders think because they aren't living in our homes means that we no longer can make decisions. Funny about that tho, foster mum has wm call & ask me about games he can play, whether or not he can purchase something over $50, whether he can see this or that movie. Sound familiar JJJ?

by the way, the tweedles will be 18 in 18 months ~ I started an unofficial countdown when they turned 16.

 

[susiestar]

Gee, I guess it HAS been a whole month or twosince she was caught doing something grossly inappropriate. Surely every parent in teh WORLD can see why she should get ALL the adult freedoms she might ever want, and NONE of the responsibilites, at this time!!!

NOT.

If she wrote these definitions down then the next time seh wants to redefine them she would be held to the definition she wrote down. No WAY would a difficult child do that!!


At least you don't have to handle her every day. It sounds like her demands are ramping up and this may mean that the staff at this new place will see through her act fairly soon. One can hope.

 

[JJJ]

The therapist I thought was snowed, not. She suggested very gently that Conduct Disorder might be an appropriate diagnosis to add. I told her I was totally in agreement that Kanga is CD (and Borderline (BPD) too!) but that CD doesn't generate funding and has no treatment so if we could just not put it in writing, that'd be great.

 

[Bunny]

wm lets me know on a regular basis what I can & cannot decide on his behalf ~ I do not have the right, yet I'm still his legal guardian.

:

My difficult child trys to do that, too, and he lives at home!! Every now and then he jumps up and down screaming about how husband and I should not be allowed to tell him what he can and can not do because he is old enough to make decisions for himself. Now, granted, he is not asking for the things that Kanga and wm are asking for, but at the same time I understand how infuriating it is. Then, when he doesn't get his way he tells me, "You're not my mother. My mother would be nicer about this and you're not nice." I just laugh and say, "Oh really? Well, I have a birth certificate that says differently, so you're going to have to deal wtioh me."

I guess if he tells me that I'm not nice I did a good job at that moment.

Pam

 

[DaisyFace]

JJJ--

I wonder if that is part of the definition of being a difficult child ?

I know that I am always hearing how things "shouldn't count" against difficult child and how I am being completely unreasonable for considering past behaviors before granting new priviledges. I think it just goes with the territory.

Thank goodness Kanga's therapist is not being fooled by any of this!

 

[susiestar]

I am glad the therapist isn't snowed by Kanga. I hope she goes along with not putting CD on the records because it can mean some real changes in how things are (and are not) handled. Around here the CD label means that anyone dealing with your child is highly likely to call the police (except that the parent isn't supposed to - they are supposed to figure out what to do with-o police help!) rather than to even look for mental health treatment that might help.

 

[slsh]

JJJ - Any chance you could pass the decisions on passes and her job at the gas station off to staff? She is in their program. They (in my humble opinion) should be the bad guys here, esp since one of the goals is to improve the family relationship with- Kanga. Her calling you to request this stuff is really just setting you up to be the target of her anger (again). Maybe *that* would be an appropriate topic at family therapy - how her calling you to request privileges that are ultimately at the discretion of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff is just perpetuating the existing tensions in the family.

I know you don't think she's ready for any of that, and honestly I cannot imagine her treatment team does either, but I think it would be far better for you if these kinds of requests were brought up at the team mtgs, by Kanga. You're off the hook, Kanga has to advocate for herself, and the team is going to get a much better firsthand look at her thought processes, especially since they're talking group home placement. And if Kanga doesn't bring it up at the team mtg, then it's on her, not you (I'm recalling she didn't bring up her last idea - can't remember what it was - at the team mtg). She discussed it with you, you were the bad guy, but it ended there. I think it's time to quit allowing her to set things up so that you continue to be the "no" man. Next idea she comes up with, just say "hmmm, that's an interesting thought, why don't you discuss it at the next team mtg?"

I may be off base, but it seems like the brunt of the accountability and responsibility for Kanga's tx plan is resting squarely on your shoulders - it's time to start spreading the wealth. That clock is a-ticking.

 

[JJJ]

Sue,

That is how we handled it at the last Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I don't trust this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) enough yet to let them make those decisions. Several times they were suppose to take the fall for an unpopular decision yet someone told or implied to Kanga that it was our objections that stopped her from doing whatever it was.

They are also very lax compared to me. They allow these teens with impaired reality/impulse control issues/explosive aggression to do many things that would never be allowed in a normal home.

The "passes" are something that girls on her behavior level can get -- normally it wouldn't involve any parental input. The only reason Kanga is not being allowed the passes is due to her protection plan. Staff is not 100% behind keeping the protection plan in place so it is my refusal to allow it to be dropped that is stopping her 'dreams of freedom'. Sadly at her last quarterly review, staff was pretty clear that the plan is down to its minimal levels and that it is staying in place due in large part to me.

This is the problem with her moving cottages -- the staff at this cottage are 'positive' that she never would have fooled them. There is also an uncomfortable undecurrent of disrespect between the cottage staff and the school staff and the cottage staff blames alot on the school staff. It frustrates me to no end.

I get that Kanga is going to be a legal adult in 615 very short days. But I also get that criminal activity in those 615 days is going to give me issues. I think we are pretty well protected from lawsuits, etc by the fact that she is in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and we're poor -lol. She is very lucky that none of the 3 times that she committed a crime that the parents of those youth chose to press charges. Out in the real world, she is not going to be so lucky. She could have spent those 615 days in juvenile hall instead of Residential Treatment Center (RTC).