Kanga's new 'career goal'

[JJJ]

When we last left our heroine, she had just been suspended for the remainder of the school year for getting it on with a boy in the middle of class. While she 'accepted the consequences' she has not accepted that what she did was inappropriate AT ALL.

We tried to address this in family therapy today. It was like talking to a brick wall. She stated that the school is too strict and that it shouldn't be against the rules to do that in class. When it was pointed out that the other children in the class watched her do this every time, she was totally lost. Finally we got it, she knew they were watching, she didn't understand why therapist and I thought that was a problem.

therapist tried to get her to understand that getting in on with one boy in front of others could lead to gang rape. Again, no comprehension that turning it into a group activity would be bad. I told therapist that the saddest thing was that it wouldn't be rape, she'd probably think it was great.

So I'm thinking we should change her vocational goal to stripper as it would combine her personal goals of dancing and sexual performances.



This child exhausts me.

 

[mstang67chic]

Well, um....you know....there's always that area just outside of Vegas where it's all regulated and legal. And her antics now could just be an enthusiastic start to what could be a long and sucessfull career.



I'm so sorry JJJ. It's heartbreaking to think what it may take to finally get through to her.

 

[Marguerite]

Sorry, she wouldn't be able to make prostitution a career. A good hooker knows when to say no - ie when the money hasn't been handed over, or when there are other issues. A good madam would never take on someone like this, they would lose money. Mind you, a good madam could use Kanga to keep the cops happy with freebies...

I'm semi-serious, JJJ - if Kanga ever suggests she'd make a good prostitute, let her know that a really successful one would have to be able to be business-like about it. And frankly, she is too undiscriminating. Also, a good prostitute has to seem enthusiastic with ALL clients and this means that she has to be prepared to be nice to everybody she accepts money from. And if you think about it, there have to be people who pay for prostitutes, because there is no way they can get it the usual way. And the prostitutes, if they want the work, have to follow through and act like they are spending their time with the most charming, attractive individual when in fact the other person may not be. Also the other person may not be very capable and need a lot of help. Some people with physical disabilities sometimes use prostitutes because they need not only the sex, but someone with sufficient experience and inventiveness to think of a way around the physical problem.

I really don't think she could do this.

Maybe get yourself a copy of a certain famous hooker's book and read up on the range of things she was asked to do (and for pete's sake don't let Kanga see the book). Also take note - she had to have a sufficient grasp of reality in order to keep herself safe. A good prostitute has to have a good sense for self-preservation and know who to not offend. Oh, so much social awareness is needed, it is scary.

If her attitude towards sex is already so cavalier, the issue now isn't to stop her having sex. So many of us try to act as if our kids are perpetually "innocent" and as if we can put the gunpowder back into the cartridge after it's been fired. Thing is, once they've started, you can't stop them. And if they're determined enough, you can't stop them. The best you can do is try to teach appropriateness. And to someone so egocentric and apparently with no theory of mind either, trying to say, "It's not like this for other people," just won't sink in.

For Kanga, having sex in the back of the classroom is something to alleviate the boredom. But for a kid watching on, it can be really traumatic and damaging to witness this. They WERE disgusted or they wouldn't have dobbed her in. So if her peers are disgusted with her and think she's being inappropriate, and she doesn't seem to get that this disgust is a problem for her in so many other ways - I'm not surprised you feel at a loss.

As you said, the act is not the issue here. Her attitude to it all, IS.

You poor darling - I'm not sure how you can take it from here. But my thinking cap is on for you.

One thought - has an endocrinologist had a look at her hormone profile? There could be something out of whack that could be adjusted back medically.

Marg

 

[susiestar]

What a tough situation to figure out. While kanga may very well try prostitution as a "career" or stripping (no way would she be able to strip and NOT have sex with clients and this would end any jobs with the more reputable places and put her in danger at the other places) as an alternate, she it totally ill-suited for the job. If she joined a gang thinking to get acceptance and status by having sex with everyone, she will end up in a horrible situation. Even gangs don't want women who will sleep with almost anyone, anywhere. She would end up having sex with her "boyfriend's" friend and getting them both killed.

I wish there was some advice I could give that would help you help her. Sadly, the only advice I can think of is to not EVER let a male be alone with her. Esp not your husband and sons. NOT because they would be any danger to Kanga, but because she could very easily make advances on them and then when rebuffed accuse them of sexual abuse.

I hate that anyone thinks and makes the kinds of choices the way Kanga does, that she is so far from understanding social rules. I wonder if it wouldn't be healther at some point for you to have the staff not tell you all of this stuff. I realize that legally they may have to tell you everything, even though vou can do exactly nothing to influence her behavior and choices. Surely there is some point where you can tell them to do what they must but you really do not want to hear anything more and cannot cope with anything more. NOT to "throw away" Kanga, but to save your sanity.

Sending gentle hugs.

 

[tiredmommy]

She's on birth control, right?

 

[gcvmom]

Did the therapist try to explain how VIOLENT and PAINFUL a "group" activity could become to her? How once it starts, it doesn't stop EVEN IF SHE WANTS TO STOP. EVEN IF SHE IS TIRED OR WANTS TO TAKE A BREAK, IT DOESN'T STOP. EVEN IF THEY DO THINGS THAT HURT or DAMAGE HER BODY, IT DOESN'T STOP. EVEN IF SHE'S CRYING or MAD, IT DOESN'T STOP.

She becomes a "toy" or a "tool" for them and not a person. Maybe having it explained in explicit and graphic terms, especially with regard to the violent aspect might get the concept through to her. Just thinking out loud...

I'm so sorry she is just so out there. I hope some how, some way she is some day able to exist on the same planet with you instead of this fantasy world she's in now.

(((((Hugs)))))

 

[Autismkids]

I have not been keeping up with Kanga's problems 100% so I could be totally off base here.

Has anyone tried giving her serious sex education? I mean all the inner workings of the body, what exactly an orgasm is, how to have sex safely, talked about her fantasies?

Was she abused or raped at any point? Even if she did like it, it was still rape (IF she were ever taken advantage of). I have no idea about numbers or statistics, but I know some woman report having an orgasm during rape. There are also women who have rape fantasies.

Does she masturbate? Has she had an orgasm?

I'm sort of comparing her to myself when I started having sex. I lost my virginity around 13 and have been with many, many, many guys. I didn't have an orgasm until I was 22. My best guess is that I was having sex with multiple guys because none of them were really "good."

I'm pretty sure I wasn't trying to "keep" a guy around with sex; I was simply doing it because I could. I loved that if I saw a guy I wanted to have sex with, it WOULD happen. I also (still) keep sex and love/relationships separate. I've been told that it can't be done, but it sure can be! Once I had sex with my boss, just to be able to say that I did my boss. Another guy had a penis as big as a standard remote; I had to try him!

There's also the fact that the brain doesn't stop maturing until around 25 years old. I can honestly say that it's like a switch was flipped for me between 25 and 26, and *now* I can finally see why my actions were completely out there. When I was 16, I was dating a 33 year old man and saw nothing wrong with it. Looking back at it, I cannot believe my father allowed it to happen!

There was no way anyone was going to stop me. But as I got older and educated myself, I became safer and no longer put myself in crazy situations. I've also slowed down as well and have not been with anyone since 2008. I do have a gorgeous physical therapist, but I'm not pushing it because I like the "what if" fantasy right now.

Is she bipolar? That can cause increased sexual activity as well.

I guess I threw all this out there, because I can sort of see her side. I never would have tried to get it on during class, but I have had sex with a guy while other people were in the room; some playing video games, some having sex, some watching.

 

[JJJ]

It wouldn't matter if staff didn't tell me - Kanga would. These are accomplishments told to me in the same tone of voice as getting an A on a history test.

Yes, she is on the pill and we are working with Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to get her on the implants. When husband and I discuss how much we are going to be willing to do for her after she turns 18, the main thing we both agree on is paying to keep her on implants for as long as we can convince her.

The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) nurse tried multiple session of 1:1 sex ed including very graphis pictures of STDs and very graphic discussions. She said it was the most frustrating thing she's ever done as no matter what, she could not get through to Kanga. therapist was very clear about how badly wrong a group activity was likely to go but Kanga is so delusional she fully believes that she can control it.

At least when it all blows up in her face, we will have the scant comfort of knowing that we did everything we could to prevent it. And by the very heavy supervision she was under at out house from 10-13 and then in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) since 13, we probably prevented it from happening any earlier.