Kate said something that makes no sense to me. Help me figure this out

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by KATES_MOM, Jan 14, 2007.


    KATES_MOM New Member

    I talked to Kate on the phone last night. She was telling me diff. things about how she thinks, and feels.Which is a big step, she never befor has come clean with any of her feelings.
    The thing she said was" if I do something right, I have to do something wrong to make it right"
    I asked her if it was right in the first place, then why go through all that to make it right again? Her answer was I dont know its just what I feel I have to do. Can anyone understand whats going on there? I will report this to her therapist. But I am like LOST... I dont understand it, and that was the best she could explain it. Just curious on what you all might think. Maybe this could be a break through if we could understand. Thanks Kathy :hammer:
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry I'm not much help but it makes me thing of my difficult child. When he does something really good and gets noticed for it then it seems he does something to sabatoge himself. I'm not sure why. I'll be paying close attention to this thread to see what others have to say. by the way-I think it is great she is opening up to you.
  3. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Maybe she doesn't think she is worthy of positive praise?

  4. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I'm guessing here, but could it be a part of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (which is an anxiety disorder and can occur with BiPolar (BP))?
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Smallworld had the same thought as I did, seems Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) to me.
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I think so many times our difficult children are stuck in the negative. It's become a mindset & they just don't know how to handle positive feedback or making good choices. It upsets their very balance of chaos

    I've seen it so many times in the tweedles. When they catch themselves making a good choice you can see a change in their attitude almost immediately. I've seen each of them stop & redirect themselves to negative behaviors/choices. It's frustrating to say the least.

    Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? Maybe. Who knows? I'm just always looking for interventions that work.


    KATES_MOM New Member

    If she has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), wouldnt there be other signs of it? I, nor anyone else has ever mentioned or ever thought Kate has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). There are just no signs of it. Unless Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can have just one type of behavior. I always thought they do sevral things. Am I right??? Kathy
  8. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    It seems like she has the need to make things balance. One for the good, one for the bad. Does everything have to balance or be symmetrical for her? If that's the way she's thinking, I would put it in the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) category too.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can have many faces. It might be that.

    It also might be that she really feels that she unworthy of a good life. That she has to do "bad" things or make poor choices because she doesn't deserve happiness.

    We had quite a long time with B where any positive remark of ANY kind made him act out. The pressure of behaving well was something he couldn't cope with. It seemed to be that each positive thing he did built up this huge pressure to be perfect, so he would do negative things so he didn't feel the pressure. This wasn't pressure from us, but from himself. The feeling that he didn't deserve anything good was all internal, NONE of us treated him this way.

    Does this help?

  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I had a friend, a brilliant man with a gift for music and for his career as school teacher. He would raise the academic and musical standard of a school, all the time the kids enjoying what he was doing and doing well. But I saw the pattern when he was doing well, really well, and people were congratulating him - he had to sabotage himself. He would get romantically involved with the mother of one of his students, and then just as the relationship was doing well and they were happy, he had to break up. And, of course, move away.

    I happened to have an other colleague on the other side of Sydney who remembered him from when he had taught her daughter a number of years earlier. She told me a similar story.

    I followed his career as best as I could after he left our area - same story, he got the school's musical and performance standard up from woeful to brilliant in just a few months. Then he began another affair with another woman, with whom he broke up just as his life was looking good. And he left again.

    My friend never did get a handle on his problems. He died ten years ago, I believe it was a drug overdose. He had been a difficult child with a history of being abused by his father. I believe, with the benefit of 20:20 hindsight, that he was an untreated BiPolar (BP). But he lived his life sabotaging his success when it was at a pinnacle - he couldn't allow himself to be that successful without bringing it down as some sort of balance or redress.

    I don't know if there's more than a passing similarity to Katie and what she said, but it reminded me.


    KATES_MOM New Member

    Susie, what you said makes perfect sense!!! Kate does have low esteem very low. She cant take a compliment, or praise too well. Therapist already knows this and has been working on it with her, and even has staff helping out giving compiments. She hates it and then refuses any mingling with the peers. Maybe this is starting to make some sense after all. She does not show any intrest that I have noticed on things having to be balanced, or just right. She did however when younger have the need for the seam of her socks go directly across her toenails, and always had to have tags cut out befor wearing clothes. But she seems to have out grown that. Kates apearence for the last 5 years has been horrible. She has acne, I took her 2 times to doctor and got the medications for it, then she refused to use it so she has a face full now. Her hair is naturally curly, to the point it looks like long spiral perm, but she hates it and will dry brush it out and pull it back into a pony tail, with frizzy pieces here and there. She has had sooo many compliments on her hair when its down. No make up at almost 15. She does not go out of her way one bit to improve her looks. She has body to die for. She is now 5'6" tall and weighs 120lbs, full set up there small waist and a nice compact :censored2:, legs as long as they get. She covers it all up with long oversized hoodies. But in the summertime, she lets out way too much with bikinis. Way too much that my bro inlaw asked for her to use a diff suit when she comes to their house to swim. He said it makes him feel very uncomfortable to see his niece running around like that. So she does go from one extreem to another at times. Make any sense?? Kathy
  12. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Just wondering - how much of this is typical teen behavior? I remember being so very unsure of myself at that age. Being worried about my appearance or taking no pride in how I looked.

    Drove my parents nuts.

    In the meantime, mention this to therapist & let them decide if there is a need for concern.
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I think that because it is hard for our difficult child's to "be good" all the time they balance their good behaviors with bad to take the pressure off them. That way they are never expected to be good all the time and therefore cannot fail at it. -RM
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think it makes quite a bit of sense. She is probably very uncomfortable with her amazing sounding body. I had a friend who looked 22 at age 14. She looked like a BARBIE DOLL! Literally. Totally fabulously gorgeous on the outside (and a real sweetheart with a great brain, good work ethic, and the sweetest heart on the inside!). She would not walk along the road to school. For years would not. Took a much longer, convoluted walk so she was not along the roadside. One day she did go that way with me, and much older men honked and whistled and made NASTY comments. The attention was totally inappropriate and made her ashamed of her body.

    Your daughter may have some of these feelings. Not much you can do about the acne and hair, she will outgrow them. Having hte staff give her compliments may not be the best route to take. I think teaching her how to work hard to achieve something, so she feels a REAL sense of accomplishment, may work better. When she WORKS for something then she KNOWS it. All the outside praise in the world will only make her more self-conscious. With B we made comments to OTHER PEOPLE about things he had done. I even had a few times I called my mom to praise him (he was a terrible eavesdropper). This praise made more of an impact on him.

    Hopefully this helps.


  15. catwoman2

    catwoman2 New Member

    My difficult child is the same way too. If she's had a good day at school and someone tells her so, she will turn around and do something "bad" to counter act it. :hammer:
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I agree that a lot of this is typical teen, probably aggravated by a sense of poor self-worth. I have to be careful about giving compliments to difficult child 3 - if they sound even slightly over-the-top he will completely dismiss the compliment as insincere. And some people insist on talking to him with exaggerated, little kid voices (very patronising) and although he no longer turns his back and walks away, I know he feels uncomfortable with this and tend to devalue anything they say to him.

    difficult child 1's girlfriend is a bundle of emotions and poor self-esteem. She's part Maori, with all the benefits of those fabulous islander genes - almond eyes, high cheekbones, fabulous figure - and she hides it as much as she can. She and difficult child 1 just had some (ridiculously expensive) studio photos done and they look fabulous. But all she can see, when people are exclaiming over these glamour shots, is the spot on her chin. Hey, it looks better than Cyndi Crawford's mole! This girl can make zits into a fashion statement - but her self-esteem is rock bottom. And she's a easy child.

    brother in law has a problem with seeing his fabulous-looking niece in a bikini? brother in law should shut up and grow up, those remarks are NOT helping her one little bit. Sounds to me like he's having trouble accepting that the little girl has adult assets because she's heading fast into adulthood. You can't shove the young lady back into a pre-teen box.

    Reminds me of when my best friend's daughter (same age as your daughter) was sunbaking in a bikini beside the church (which is on the beach). A male church member who was doing some repairs walked past and commented to the mother, "Wow! Your daughter is looking really sexy in that bikini - I suppose you're fighting the boys off with a stick?" while his OWN tongue was clearly hanging out. The mother was not impressed - yes, the girl looked good in a bikini but from a man who was close enough to the family to be a father figure, the comment was worrying.