Hi there. I'm sorry that you had to come here to tell us this, but we try to be helpful and supportive. Have a few questions.
1. Do you go to or have you gone to twelve step meetings? Many of us find this invaluable as a tool for helping us deal with our dysfunctional loved ones...and, yes, to understand the disease of drug addiction and how it makes people become very selfish and even dangerous. It teaches us how to detach and to have good lives in spite of our troubled loved ones.
2. Why do you feel guilty? Did you force your son to take the cocaine at gunpoint? My guess is he made the decision to do it himself. Whatever happened in his early life, and our kids LOVE to make their problems all about us, he does not have to take drugs. It has nothing to do with you and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. In fact, I wouldn't even listen to him if he tries to guilt you. So...what is there to feel guilty about? That's one negative emotion you really don't need and it isn't useful for realistic...
3. Why do you let your drug abusing son live with you, even though this is effecting both your mental health and probably your physical health too. Do you know that YOU matter? Do you know that YOU matter as much as they do?
4. Do you have trouble setting boundaries?
5. Do you neglect your son who has a family while you overly obsess, trying to fix your drug using sons? Do you realize that there is nothing you can do to change anyone but yourself, no matter how sick you make yourself over your drug using sons? Do you know that they will not stop using drugs until they want to and that nagging is stressful to you and ineffective?
You are way too hard on yourself. When our kids are ten years old, yes, maybe if they run off and get hit by a car we can feel guilty because it is our responsibility to care of their well being when they are so young. When our adult children mess up, there is nothing we can do to stop them. For one thing, legally our hands are tied. For another, it doesn't do any good. Their decisions, just like your decisions, belong ONLY to the adult who has made that decision. You can't cause somebody else to do something to themselves. And you didn't. I don't care if you were divorced twice or you once spanked your child or he had learning disabilities or depression or if somebody in his family was an alcoholic. It was your son's DECISION to choose this pathway. Many kids grow up with problems and challenges and not all of them choose to pout and ruin their lives because of what happened to them when they were six years old. Even if your son is mentally ill, it is HIS decision to get treatment and to follow that treatment. You can't force him to do anything anymore.
I have one daughter who abused drugs (cociane, meth, even tried heroin) and she did quit, but it was 100% her decision to quit. While living at home, she was on parole twice, refused rehab, sassed her therapists, got nothing at all out of a two week psychiatric hospital stay (in fact talked them into believing she was not using drugs)...you probably find this familiar. If this were me (and I realize I am NOT you), I would make this son leave the house (give him a month or so) and cut off any money supply he gets from you. He will use the money for drugs. Our kids do learn how to find their way around the streets and live there, but provide him with lists of homeless shelters along with the phone number of social services so he can apply for things like food stamps and social security, if he qualifies. There is no reason for him to quit using drugs if he has a warm cozy house and bed and plenty to eat and no reason to really work.
I also have a child who has some sort of various mental health issues and he is NOT very nice most of the time. I have had to learn to detach from him and to deal with him only as much as I personally can handle and I have set boundaries on him, although he is constantly saying he will kill himself, which is a blow to hear even though I've heard it already a hundred times. It still rattles me. I tell myself though that he lives two states away and even if he lived next door (he could never live with me again), I could not stop him if he truly wanted to kill himself. There would be nothing I could do to stop him unless he called to tell me he has taken a bottle of pills. Then I can call 911. It is ALL I can do.
I am so sorry you are walking this very scary path. We did not expect our children to turn out this way when we held them as infants and they were so cute. But we need to deal in reality and get that cute little cherub out of our head and face today's facts...they are who they are and we can't change them and there is no reason for us to feel guilt over their adult choices. You probably would benefit from twelve step or private therapy for yourself. You need to fall in love with YOU again and start to treat yourself nicely and hang around those who respect you and treat you well and do things you love to do but maybe neglected while you tried to fix your sons. If you have a SO this is an excellent time to reconnect and put some zest and zing into your relationship
You are NOT your children and they are not you. You can feel their pain, but you need to know how to put it aside too so that you can have a good life. You asked what to do. There is NOTHING you can do that you probably already haven't tried. I would stop trying. Go relatively silent about his drug use. Nagging him will do nothing and may make him dig in his heels and rebel and do it more, like a child. Many of our young adults seriously need to grow up and we have to help them do that by ignoring their childish behaviors and letting them make their own mistakes and HOPEFULLY learn from them.
Disclaimer: Anything I write is my own opinion and not meant to tell you what you HAVE to do. Take what you like, if anything, and leave the rest.
I hope you have some peace and serenity in your day. Maybe plan to do something nice for yourself, even if it's just a fragrant bubblebath with scented candles all around you
Glad to "meet" you.
