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Parent Emeritus
Kicked 18 year old son out, Im struggling with it
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<blockquote data-quote="Nature" data-source="post: 684701" data-attributes="member: 19011"><p>Hi, I'm sorry that your family is going through this and I know how your heart is grieving for the son that used to be..not the one he's become. I am not an expert but I've walked in your shoes and what I've learned is this. Each of us are on different paths with our children and the first time they are removed from our homes you think your heart is broken in a million pieces. I have finally realized that the choice was never mine but his choice.Just like your son it was his choice to continue on his self destructive path and you and your family are unfortunately dragged into it. It sucks the life out of everyone that cares for him to view him on a self destructive path. My heart hurts for you.</p><p>I have learned when things are really tough for them they often revert back to almost childlike behaviours - calling home saying they are hungry, cold, ect...and they know how to pull on your heartstrings. Most often it works as especially moms have a hard time refusing their child's request for food or warmth. Yet, despite it being one of the hardest and most painful things that a parent can do is to tell them I'm sorry I can't help you unless you help yourself. Perhaps suggest that the only help he'll get is to go into rehab . I still struggle after many years and sometimes go against my own advice have come to the "rescue". Yet, I also knew that that is only temporary and what needs to happen is they must want to change. Parents and loved ones walk their own paths and eventually all come to the conclusion that enabling their child only prolongs the drug use. Saying it and getting there are two different things and even after many years I still struggle. Each of us must walk that dreaded path and belong to this club that none of us ever wanted to join - that of parents of difficult children. Early on the journey we convince ourselves our love can save our children , or our determination , or our fearlessness to protect them and then later we feel despair when it doesn't work. Slowly the realization sinks in we can't help them unless they want to change...not by their words but by their actions. </p><p>I will be thinking of you and your family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nature, post: 684701, member: 19011"] Hi, I'm sorry that your family is going through this and I know how your heart is grieving for the son that used to be..not the one he's become. I am not an expert but I've walked in your shoes and what I've learned is this. Each of us are on different paths with our children and the first time they are removed from our homes you think your heart is broken in a million pieces. I have finally realized that the choice was never mine but his choice.Just like your son it was his choice to continue on his self destructive path and you and your family are unfortunately dragged into it. It sucks the life out of everyone that cares for him to view him on a self destructive path. My heart hurts for you. I have learned when things are really tough for them they often revert back to almost childlike behaviours - calling home saying they are hungry, cold, ect...and they know how to pull on your heartstrings. Most often it works as especially moms have a hard time refusing their child's request for food or warmth. Yet, despite it being one of the hardest and most painful things that a parent can do is to tell them I'm sorry I can't help you unless you help yourself. Perhaps suggest that the only help he'll get is to go into rehab . I still struggle after many years and sometimes go against my own advice have come to the "rescue". Yet, I also knew that that is only temporary and what needs to happen is they must want to change. Parents and loved ones walk their own paths and eventually all come to the conclusion that enabling their child only prolongs the drug use. Saying it and getting there are two different things and even after many years I still struggle. Each of us must walk that dreaded path and belong to this club that none of us ever wanted to join - that of parents of difficult children. Early on the journey we convince ourselves our love can save our children , or our determination , or our fearlessness to protect them and then later we feel despair when it doesn't work. Slowly the realization sinks in we can't help them unless they want to change...not by their words but by their actions. I will be thinking of you and your family. [/QUOTE]
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Kicked 18 year old son out, Im struggling with it
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