Kicked 19 year old son out of house...using and selling drugs...refused to get help..

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by rosepress, Mar 18, 2013.

  1. rosepress

    rosepress New Member

    Hi. Our son, who is 19, has ADD-ODD since he was a child, has been smoking weed and taking different pills...Zanax and painkillers since he was 16. We really didnt know about the pills unitl a little while ago. A year ago, we told him he had to leave our house because he was bringing weed into our home in his room. My 12 year old questioned what the smell was and he was getting calls all through the night...just too much drama. His grandpa offered to take him in knowing he was smoking weed. That lasted a few months... his grandpa had a few close "break ins" at his house from sketchy people who were involved with our son. His grandpa has only use of one arm because of a stroke and my husband didnt think it was a good idea he stayed with him, so our son "begged" us to co sign a lease for him to live in an apt. We thought he would gain some responsibility and grow up a little. He had 2 jobs so we knew he could make the rent. A short time later, we found out he had asked 2 girls to move in with him. They were just friends and he never did like to be ended up bad.

    My son started having feelings for one of the girls...they even dated. Things seem to be OK, although we knew he was still smoking. HE called us one day and told us that his job was asking for a drug test because they were suspicious. HE was going into work stoned we were told. His second job, the same thing happened. We told him that he would have to move out and we would have to break the lease. HE said he had enough to live on for another month or so. One week later, he called us at 1 in the morning to tell us that he had been robbed of money and electronics from his apartment and that he was sure it was his roomates and a guy who was a friend of his. HE got in an altercation with the girls earlier that night and when he returned home, the stuff was gone. HE also found out that night that the girl he liked was dating this same there he sat in his apt on a Friday night, lost his jobs, lost his stuff, lost his money, lost some friends and was about to lose his aprtment. My husband and I went over there to talk to him and asked him if he was ready to turn his life around? He was so down in the dumps that my husband told me to return home because our youngest was by himself and he would stay with our son to "watch" him to make sure he was ok through the night.

    The next morning, my son was down, but he was ready to start all over. He was going to go to the drug classes that his job suggested in order to keep his job and he was going to look into college. We told him he could come back home under the stipulation that he kept his promises. The first day was good, he seemed happy and no drama...we were hoping this was a sign of good things to come. The next day, he broke our shower knob and all went down hill. HE cussed me out and called me the most horrific names you could imagine. HE was loud, angry and getting destructive. The drama was back and this wasnt my son. It had to be the drugs. HE left that day, and as he was going out the door, he saw me with my cell phone and said things like. "who you calling? DADDY, you F_____ B____? I sat there, frozen in fear and confusion. As soon as he left, I called my husband who was at work. When my son came home that night, it was like "hi mom. whats up?" if nothing happened. His dad talked to him and he apologized to us and the next day, it was the same. I had to wait until that night for my husband to come home. I wanted him OUT, he disrespected me for the very LAST TIME. I was stressed out, my husband couldnt concentrate on his job, and it was effecting our 12 year old. While at work, my husband looked up this behavior and it was all side effects of abusing pills and what it does to the brain. Our son had never conducted himself like this. He has always had a temper that comes with ODD, but never to this extreme. My husband also called a local drug treatment center and talked to a counselor. Not much you can do with a 19 year old who is considered an adult..but they told us to ask him if he would be willing to talk to someone...he said NO. So my husband had to do the hardest thing he ever had to do, he asked him if he wouldnt get help, that he would have to leave our home. HE was out of control, throwing stuff around, calling us names again and saying he hoped we both rot in hell, especially me. My 12 year old son was on stand by in case he hit me or my husband with his cell phone to call the police. This wasnt our son... our son who graduated with honors until the last few months of senior year, this wasnt our son who always kept curfew and never stole anything from us, not the sweet loving son we knew he could be...the drugs had a hold of him and making his ODD symptoms worse.

    Its been a week and a half now since he has been gone. We dont know where he is staying or with who. Someone told us they saw him one night sleeping in a parking lot in his car. We told him as long as he was doing the drugs, we were not going to help him. The grandparents have been told NO MONEY and no letting him Live in their homes. HE does, however, go to his grandpas periodically to take "showers: and to wash his clothes. Our doctor we are seeing for all of this says, that its no harm in that little amount although grandpa enables him, but we dont like him even being over there. We all suspect he is selling to have something to live on. We always say its a matter of time before he gets busted.

    As his mom, I was a big enabler, Grandma was the worse. She just told him that she would no longer help him with car insurance, and we are up and down about his cell phone, right now were are stlll paying for that. Doctor says that everybody hits their rock bottom differently, and some addict's rock bottom is death...he told us tha a drug addcit who also sufferes from ADD, Bi Polar, or ODD....and disorders like this make it even harder for addicts to quit....he says our son may never quit, or he may. We are just waiting for something to happen. I pray that he stays safe, but it doesnt look good. I have my good days and bad. His dad is very sad because he thinks somewhere we went wrong when I know we didnt. Doctor says that we have to take care of US and our youngest son. We cant let all this consume us daily, but it does at times, after all he is our flesh and blood and we love him so much.

    The other day, my son ran into his dad over grandpas, and my husband said that when he saw him, he couldnt help it, but some tears fell down his face, my son looked up and said, "dad, dont cry...I am not mad at you for kicking me out...Im ok." husband looked at him and said, "you need help son', but no matter what happens, I will always love you".....then he walked away.

    All I have is hope and prayer...its all up to my son.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Been there/done that with drug using daughter. So sorry you have to be one of those wearing our t-shirt. Unless you personally lit the weed or forced the pills down his throat, you didn't cause your son to use drugs. Some kids are more susceptible to that than other ones. Don't blame yourself. I'm sure you would have done anything in your power to make sure he never went that route and I'm sure you'd give your own life if he'd only give up his destructive lifestyle. When kids get to be around twelve, which was the age my daughter started using, their parents can sometimes become less important to kids than their peers and in many circles it's "cool" to take drugs. My daughter was very insecure and shy and we had moved her to a new school. For months nobody sat next to her at lunch or even noticed her. The "bad" kids are the most accepting. They were the first ones to approach her in a friendly way. That's HER story. Your son has one too. Don't waste time feeling guilty.

    My best guess is that nobody broke into your son's place to sell the electronics. It's possible, when you hang out with shady creatures, but most likely he sold them himself for drugs. My daughter used to pull the same stuff. Since she has been clean, she has admitted she was the one who sold her stuff, although she did say that some of her "friends" were dangerous enough to have stolen from her. We never knew the extent of her drug use until after she quit. Suffice to say, bad people were after her for bad reasons (something to do with payment of drugs) and she had people threatening her, although she didn't tell us again until after she quit. After all, if she told us, we'd tell the cops, then she'd get into trouble too. We also told her "good-bye" but she caught a break and called her older and very straight older brother who lived in another state and he let her stay with him under s strict set of rules that she would never have followed for us and because she was on her own, away from her "friends, and without transportation, she was able to quit. I agree that NOBODY should enable your son. My daughter was cut off from us, had to get a job at Subway, and walk to and from and pay her brother rent. If she had so much as lit a cigarette, he would have thrown her out so she even quit the cigarettes. It is almost ten years later and I don't know how we got through her 12-19 years, but we did. However, we didn't help her stop using because nobody can do that...only the adult child can do it.

    I would cut off the cell phone. He can work. He proved that...he had two jobs. If he lost them due to drugs than maybe he will at least not use them before he has to go to work in order to keep his job. My daughter worked at Walmart when she was high as a kite. It was her only money. She never got caught at Walmart either. Looking back, I wonder why they didn't drug test. She freely admits she was never sober while at Walmart (shrug).

    It's true that everyone hits rock bottom in a different way. And sometimes it takes more than rock bottom to quit. My daughter hit her personal rock bottom when she saw a friend of a friend with track marks up and down her arms. She had a lightbulb moment and thought, "OMG! That's going to be me!" But it still took her several attempts to quit and also getting out of town and away from her bad group of cronies.

    I highly recommend going to a Narc-Anon meeting for face-to-face real time help from parents who understand. Although we can't stop our kids when they are using drugs, we can support one another as we take this ugly journey. And I wouldn't let anyone diagnose him while he is still using drugs. They diagnosed my daughter with bipolar. She clearly does not have bipolar. She just acted like it when she was using drugs. They screw with your kid's moods. Likely your son is more involved in drugs than you think.

    Gentle hugs. Keep posting. We understand.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh I feel for you. I have so been there and it is hard hard hard. My son was homeless across the country for 5 months... after being in several rehabs. He finally decided to come in from the cold and went back into treatment and is now living in a sober house and seems to be doing pretty well, at least for the moment. I think you are doing the right thing to stop enabling him... keep letting him know you love him and will be there for him when he wants help. He is not going to want it until he feels he has no other choice but he may very well get there.

    We did continue to pay for my sons phone... and the main reason was for our own peace of mind... it meant that he could get in touch with us when he was ready and it also meant I could check phone records... and even though I really didnt know who he was calling or why (probably not for good things), the fact he was making calls was at times the only way I knew he was alive. So if it was me I would continue to pay for his phone.

    And yes you need to protect your 12 year old... it is not healthy for him to have to see and live with his brother doing these is also good for him to know that you wont allow this kind of behavior in your home... the younger kids can learn all kinds of lessons from watching what happens iwth their older siblings. I have a daugher who is now 17.. .she is doing great but she does have some resentment that so much of your focus in her early years was on my son and his issues.... but she is doing well now that he is out of our house.

    Stay strong, keep reading you have support and understanding here.

  4. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    I know exactly how you feel. My son is now 35 years old, but I had to kick him out when he was 17 years old. It was so hard not knowing where he was living. I did not have the resources I have now. I did not have a counselor, books about co-dependents, and a church that focus on recovery. I also had the pressures of being a single parent.

    It will get better for you and your family. It got much better for me for quite some time. My son was living in FL for the last nine years. He slowly lost everything he owned until he came here on March 3. It has been a struggle for us. We still don't know what is wrong.

    I hope that when your son improves, it will be forever. When your heart is broken, God will pick up the pieces.
  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    My heart goes out to you and to your family. I think you are doing the right things, saying the right things. The hardest part about loving someone who is self-destructing is that no matter how "right" our decisions and actions, the person we love continues to go a wrong way. If it's not a financial hardship, I would continue to pay for the cell. Not for the sake of your child, but for your own sake. It's so much worse when you don't know where or how they are.

    I'm so sorry this is happening.

    You probably already know the Serenity Prayer. I will repeat it here for you. I would say it to myself when I awakened in the night, alone and worried and unable to sleep. If you repeat it enough times, it does provide a certain measure of strength, a little space to catch your breath.

    God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    the Courage to change the things I can
    and the Wisdom to know the difference.