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Substance Abuse
Kicked my son out, foster care, fear
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704726" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Do I get this. It is what it is. We cannot redeem our lives through our children, although I do well understand the need to do so.</p><p></p><p>dayatatime. If you live in the US there is Job Corps. I believe 16 is the age kids become eligible. My son went at 19. It is completely free. They house and feed the enrollees and they train them at excellent trades, and help find them jobs. They will help them get psychotherapy, I believe. I cannot say anything except good about it. They will work with the kids. Even with mental illness, disability, drugs and criminal records.</p><p></p><p>There are other alternatives. I forget the names. Like Boy's Town or other religious-based organizations that house and feed, and educate and give moral educations. My son once went to day school at a place like this, where other kids lived. It was wonderful.</p><p></p><p>I do not see any good reason for you to walk this back, right now, at least. His father can take custody, should he choose, but he has no right to denounce you.</p><p></p><p>Your son is young, but he still has to bring something to the table, in order to make this work. (Breaking into your house????) Does this not communicate a message, of what would be to come?</p><p></p><p>Of course I can see why your son wants to come back. You are his MOTHER. But he has to come to grips with the specific actions he took to force the situation to become what it is. My partner was kicked out of his home at 13. He had nowhere to go, at all. He had done nothing wrong except to try to protect his mother from beatings. Am I advocating for kicking your son out, and leaving him with nowhere to go? No. Not at all. What I am saying is that you have a right not to be destroyed. What in his conduct right now, really, indicates that he will live with you under your roof as anything other than hostile, dominating, intimidating, and out of control?</p><p> Well, there you are. A free roof under his head. My son (older) wants that too. That we take responsibility, and he have all the rights and privileges that his adult status gives him, and his free government money from SSI. This is untenable.</p><p></p><p>To accept him back, right now, is to give credence and power to all of the poor decisions he is making: drugs, no drug treatment, no psychological treatment...etc. Is this what you want? To tell him that all is OK'; that he is doing fine? He needs to learn that there is reciprocity required in life. Respect for himself and for others. That begins in his relationship with you. This is your fundamental and most important role as his parent now, I think. Demanding respect. Insisting upon reciprocity. That your personhood is equally important as his. If you do not insist that he be a good man, you are contributing to the opposite. I am too with my own child, who is no longer a child.</p><p></p><p>"I'm thinking of trying to work with the foster care agency again- reopen communication. I'm terrified, and I know my son is just in a lot of pain." Re-opening communication is one thing. In family therapy, for example, where there is supervision and a trained therapist present at all times. I would be very careful of anything more at this point. He is showing you who he is, right now. I would pay attention.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704726, member: 18958"] Do I get this. It is what it is. We cannot redeem our lives through our children, although I do well understand the need to do so. dayatatime. If you live in the US there is Job Corps. I believe 16 is the age kids become eligible. My son went at 19. It is completely free. They house and feed the enrollees and they train them at excellent trades, and help find them jobs. They will help them get psychotherapy, I believe. I cannot say anything except good about it. They will work with the kids. Even with mental illness, disability, drugs and criminal records. There are other alternatives. I forget the names. Like Boy's Town or other religious-based organizations that house and feed, and educate and give moral educations. My son once went to day school at a place like this, where other kids lived. It was wonderful. I do not see any good reason for you to walk this back, right now, at least. His father can take custody, should he choose, but he has no right to denounce you. Your son is young, but he still has to bring something to the table, in order to make this work. (Breaking into your house????) Does this not communicate a message, of what would be to come? Of course I can see why your son wants to come back. You are his MOTHER. But he has to come to grips with the specific actions he took to force the situation to become what it is. My partner was kicked out of his home at 13. He had nowhere to go, at all. He had done nothing wrong except to try to protect his mother from beatings. Am I advocating for kicking your son out, and leaving him with nowhere to go? No. Not at all. What I am saying is that you have a right not to be destroyed. What in his conduct right now, really, indicates that he will live with you under your roof as anything other than hostile, dominating, intimidating, and out of control? Well, there you are. A free roof under his head. My son (older) wants that too. That we take responsibility, and he have all the rights and privileges that his adult status gives him, and his free government money from SSI. This is untenable. To accept him back, right now, is to give credence and power to all of the poor decisions he is making: drugs, no drug treatment, no psychological treatment...etc. Is this what you want? To tell him that all is OK'; that he is doing fine? He needs to learn that there is reciprocity required in life. Respect for himself and for others. That begins in his relationship with you. This is your fundamental and most important role as his parent now, I think. Demanding respect. Insisting upon reciprocity. That your personhood is equally important as his. If you do not insist that he be a good man, you are contributing to the opposite. I am too with my own child, who is no longer a child. "I'm thinking of trying to work with the foster care agency again- reopen communication. I'm terrified, and I know my son is just in a lot of pain." Re-opening communication is one thing. In family therapy, for example, where there is supervision and a trained therapist present at all times. I would be very careful of anything more at this point. He is showing you who he is, right now. I would pay attention. [/QUOTE]
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