Kicking him out

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by christianmom, May 5, 2014.

  1. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    The time has come. He stole some money from us when he was doing really bad, which was about 1-1/2 years ago. We told him if he did it again, he would be kicked out. He has been doing pretty good until a few months ago. I went to look in his truck at his friend's today for another reason and found a jar of money that my husband had saved when he was a teenager, consisting of coins, some 50 years old. He probably spent 1/2 to 2/3 of it. We have had so many problems with him and pray that this will be the turning point. He has no job, no working cell phone, no car insurance - we recently took him off our policy. (I would have done it a long time ago but our previous ins. agent said we needed to keep him on it). He also has an outstanding traffic ticket. I am very thankful for the help I get on this web site.
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You need to follow through. If you don't, he will not believe anything you say in the future. I asked in your other post how old he is because that would make a difference in my response.

    If he is legally an adult and you can kick him out (check the eviction laws in your state . . . it might not be as easy as you thing), do it. Give him a list of homeless shelters and send him on his way.

    I would also have some other choices ready for him. I would find a rehab program and give him a choice or the rehab or homeless shelter. That way he can't accuse you of kicking him out on the streets because you will have offered him a roof over his head where he can get help.

    If you don't so something different, nothing will change. It is as simple as that.


  3. Addictsmom

    Addictsmom New Member

    I agree that his age has a lot to do with the actions you can take. If he is an adult, and you own the home, you can go to your county and fill out an eviction notice or at least call them an see if you need to do that. My difficult child had been staying at my home during a sober spell and he got drunk, verbally abusive and I had to call the police. They asked me if I wanted him here and I said no. But then one stayed with me and asked me some questions and told me I could go to the county and fill our a paper making it official. I didn't do that, because I knew just the threat of the police would keep my difficult child from trying to force himself back into my home. That just has never been an issue. You have to stick to your guns, or he will never respect you enough to know you mean what you are saying. I read a pamphlet at alanon that was called a letter from your addict. One of the things that it said was...."Don't threaten me with consequences and not follow through, because I won't respect you". I'm paraphrasing. You might be able to google it. I have always remembered this particular pamphlet over the years and my difficult child is now 52 yo and I have been on this road since he was a teenager. Stay strong. People here know your pain.
  4. Addictsmom

    Addictsmom New Member

    @christianmom I found this on google:

    An Open Letter to My Family (from the drug addict)
    An Open Letter to My Family (from the drug addict)

    I am a drug user. I need help.

    Don’t solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you.

    Don’t lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue, whether I’m loaded or sober.

    It may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.

    Don’t accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents me keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain. Don’t keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.

    Don’t lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.

    Don’t allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.

    Don’t cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.

    Above all, don’t run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery. Find NAR-ANON, whose groups exist to help the families of drug abusers.

    I need help — from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from an addict who found recovery in NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS, and from God.

    Your User
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  5. Addictsmom

    Addictsmom New Member

    Found this on another older thread on this forum. I am fairly new to the board so don't know how to link to the post, so I am going to try to copy and paste part of the post that I thought might be of some help to you. This is another letter from an addict to his parents.

    There are a few things you can do if you really want to help me. I know by telling you these things I’m actually cutting off my main money source …you. I will never stop using as long as you keep giving me money or supporting me. I can only stop using when I hit my bottom and only I can put down the shovel and quit digging. When you bail me out, buy me a car, pay for my rent or give me money you aren’t helping me at all; you are only handing me the shovel again and telling me to keep digging. You keep letting me come back home to live because you think you’re helping me out but if your honest, you’ll realize that you are doing it for purely selfish reasons. When you know I’m in the room next door you sleep better. The last thing I’ll confess to you is the real reason I steal from you. I steal from you because I’m counting on you not calling the cops on me. I count on you not wanting me to go to jail; to have a criminal record. I steal from you because you keep letting me move back home.Read more:
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    52????? Wow.

    And he is still stealing from you.

    I think he has worn out his time at your home. He is almost a senior citizen! Three more years and he gets coffee from McD's and Burger King for a lower price. There is no excuse...none...for him to be doing these things at this age other than he is a lifetime criminal. Certainly, you still love him, but he needs to stop abusing you and you need to get on with your life and do all the cool things retired couples can do and stop worrying about a man his age who is floundering. It was horrible of him to steal your husband's beloved coin collection.

    Hugs and so sorry that your heart is hurting. Keep searching for that peace and serenity. It is there!!!
  7. christianmom

    christianmom Member

  8. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    My son is not 52, he is 20. That was another post-er that did that. I haven't learned how to do the signature line yet. :)
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oops. So sorry.

    It is always hard to say good-bye to any of our children and I wish you luck and wish serenity and peace in your life. You may want to learn detachment skills. Again, so sorry.
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

  11. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    My sister in law is 61 and still doing the same things. mother in law had a hip replacement but still claims to be in terrible pain so she can get extra medications for sister in law. My state passed a new law that people have to go in person once a month to get their prescriptions for narcotic type drugs renewed. mother in law is fine for a month but then around this time, starts calling around to find someone who will take her to the doctor for her medications. Over the weekend, she had daughter in tears because we wouldn't let her do it. mother in law told daughter if she loved her, she'd come and take her to the doctor. H has control over his mom's money so he told her he would arrange car service for her but that none of us will take her to get drugs for sister in law.
  12. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    We looked at my husband's coins and our son actually took two jars, one with quite a bit of old $, 50 years old. :( He is our only child, it is sad.
  13. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    He also got a 31 on his ACT test and got a full ride scholarship to college. But dropped out in his second year, because of all this mess.
  14. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Christian Mom, I'm sorry. I know the shock and pain you feel when you realize your own child is stealing from you.

    My son has stolen from me, his dad and our neighbors multiple times. He stole from one employer and got caught. Those are just the times we know about.

    Drug addicts steal. They steal to get money to buy drugs. It's just what they do.

    I know this may sound funny, but it's not personal. It's not about us, any of it. It's about them and their disease. The disease is a 40-foot-tall monster that mows down everything in its path, including our difficult children.

    And it will keep on doing that until our difficult children are so sick and tired of their lives that they want to change more than they want to take drugs. It has to get really, really bad for that to happen, because they want the drugs like they want to keep breathing.

    Today, I was at the post office, and I ran into my difficult child's elementary school principal. He volunteers at the workhouse here (step down from jail). I told him about difficult child and I thanked him for his work with nonviolent offenders. I told him that difficult child had been at the workhouse a couple of times but that now he is back in the "big jail" again.

    He was so kind and compassionate. He understands addiction. He knows me from when I was President of the PTA there. He knows what a persistent person I am. I told him, we've tried everything and not one thing has helped. He said that's right, nothing will until he wants to change. It was a very nice thing to run into him. He is a good, caring man.

    Christian Mom, the sooner you stop enabling your son, detach from him with love, start accepting him for who he is today, and start taking care of yourself, the better off you will be. You can and will find joy, contentment, peace, serenity and happiness even if he still does what he is doing today. I don't describe these steps easily. They are the hardest work you will ever do in your life.

    But what you're doing right now is even harder. And it's not helping anybody.

    Hugs and prayers and blessings to you tonight. Keep reading this site. Start making a list of daily tools you can use to "get your mind right" and start taking care of yourself. If you do the work, you will change over time, and you will be a much happier person than you are today.

    It's about us. It's not about them anymore. They have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. We can't save them from themselves.
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  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When I read this it took me right back to the day I found a jar of change in my difficult child's closet that my husband had in his dresser. I don't know why this upset me so much because I had long suspected she stole money from my purse, but it did. She didn't even bother taking the change from the jar, just took the entire jar. Shortly after that I found a coin collection I had since I was very young in her drawer. I don't know if she was going to sell it or what but again it broke my heart.

    When we finally did kick our difficult child out of the house I was so relieved that I didn't have to hide everything anymore.
  16. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We actually lived for a while with a keyed deadbolt on our bedroom door to keep our difficult child from stealing from us. When I look back, I can't believe we ever lived that way.

  17. Addictsmom

    Addictsmom New Member

    @MidwestMom.....That's my son who is 52. I'm 72. He used to steal from me when he was younger, but hasn't done that in a long time. He does have a fear of jail and the police since he's had some experience with both and he knows if he steals from me he will suffer the same consequences as if a stranger stole from me. A good lesson for anyone's difficult child to learn.
  18. amys3yungins

    amys3yungins New Member

    My difficult child stole from us a lot too. The last time was this past October when he took a watch that had belonged to my husband's grandfather. I told him then that he was no longer welcome at my house. Finally at the end of February he decided he had had enough and has been at a recovery center ever since. It was so hard to say that to my son. So final. But, it was necessary to draw the boundary. Sorry you are going through this! It really sucks bad! It really is a lonely feeling but know that you are not alone.