kicking son out

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by SLA, May 7, 2014.

  1. SLA

    SLA New Member

    My son has once again gone against the house rules of not smoking pot at the house and having a particular drug friend over. So he was previously told that the next misbehavior, he would be sent packing. The problem is how we found out: our older daughter showed us his snap chat : break time at work: smoking bong and in our back yard with his friend with a bong. I say so what to how I found out, now he has to go, but my husband says that if we do kick him out he will know that his sister swelled on him and that will harm the rocky relationship that they already have. So do I let my son keep spitting in our faces to save the sibling relationship or do I put his :censored2: to a halt. Please advise.
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi SLA and welcome. I'm sorry you're dealing with the situation you describe. When you get a chance, please write a signature so we can know more about the ages of your son and daughter, etc. It helps when responding.

    But, based on what you said, I would tell your son the gig is up. You don't have to say how you know. I think we make the mistake often (I know I have done this a lot) of feeling we have to explain and give all kinds of reasons and proof short...throw a lot of words at the situation.

    We don't. You can simply tell your son that you know he smoked pot at your house and brought a friend over that you all had agreed was not welcome. You know he did it, and he knows he did it. You don't have to prove anything. And now he will have to move out. I would give him a timeline and stick to it.

    If you don't, you are just teaching him that you don't mean what you say.

    When he starts to ask questions, throw a lot of excuses, reasons and stuff back at you, simply say: I don't want to talk about this anymore. You need to be moved out by X. Whatever X is.

    I would not mention his sister's name. Keep the drama down as much as possible.

    If his sister tells him she told you, that is her deal and not yours.

    SLA, you can't fix their relationship. You can't fix him. You can't fix anybody but you.

    Put it to a halt. Claim your peace and your home. You have a right to do that.
  3. SLA

    SLA New Member

    Thank you Childofmine,
    I really appreciate the logic and reinforcement. My son will be 21 and my daughter is 23. Both my husband and I agreed that he needs to go, but this morning my husband is questioning this consequence. I told my husband that I was tired of dealing with my son and his drug use ( We have been married for 26 years, and I have been the disciplinarian and my husband really hasn't helped a lot in this area ) and if he wanted to change the consequence, then I was done. I will wash myself of the situation and he can deal with our son and I will be the silent parent. I wish my husband wasn't so wishy-washy on decisions. I never dreamed that I would have to make a decision like this about one of my children, and I know my heart will break when my son has to go, but I believe that he will finally learn what life all about and have to fend for himself. Hopefully he will finally appreciate all that we have provided for him and how he just took advantage and just expected it! Maybe struggling a bit will help him grow up and think about what he wants to accomplish in his lifetime.
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I would simply point out the following things to husband:

    1. When your son gets busted for drugs in your home each of you could face charges.
    2. Drug users steal.
    3. Drug users are often violent.
    4. Your daughter and you are now being forced to be in the same home as a drug user and his druggie friends.
    5. When someone in the home gets stolen from or injured it will be because difficult child and his friends.

    Then ask husband why he is not concerned for the safety of the family and the family home. He is apparently a caring individual who doesn't want difficult child to feel any pain. Why is it he feels it is fine for you and daughter to feel the pain and live in an unsafe environment?
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My own opinion?

    I would kick him out. Your house, your rules. Nobody has a right to smoke dope or do other drugs or even smoke a cigarette in your house if you have specifically told them it is against the rules in YOUR house and you have given them chances. In fact, your son needs to find out the hard facts of life so he will maybe cut out the drugs.

    The relationship between his sister and him is in my opinion irrelevant in this. If his sister cares about him, she would tell you. If he is too wasted to see that she was worried about either him or the consequencses of cops seeing him doing this IN YOUR BACK YARD and possibly charging you as well as him with a crime then it is just too bad. He won't have a good relationship with a responsible sister. It was bound to deteriorate anyway and is not as important as your son's blatant defiance of you and your house rules AND his own safety, health, welfare and lifestyle.

    The sibling thing is not as important as stopping the enabling of this defiant son. How old is he? Does he work? Does he do chores for you? Is he respectful? Did he finish high school? Does he cuss you out, get in your face, call you names, even shove you or worse? Are you sometimes afraid of him? Does he steal? If you said "yes" to most or even half of these questions, I would not allow him to live at home. He has to contribute in a positive way in my opinion if he is an adult still living at home. He should also pay rent and you should cut off the cell phone, the internet for him, car insurance...heck, I wouldn't let my daughter drive our cars. She had been in three car crashes while high, but two were her friend's cars because after the first time she never drove our car again and we hid our keys. We did eventually kick her out. She did quit all drugs, even cigarettes, but that is another and happier story. But we did not help her quit...nor did she even tell us when she decided to do it. Today we are very close.

    Good luck and don't be afraid of him. Also, in my opinion, your husband is being beyond ridiculous. How can this sibling relationship matter more than your son's dangerous activities?
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