Kids' dad is not on board with difficult child 2's medications.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Californiablonde, Apr 6, 2012.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I knew this would happen. He has always been in denial that my son has anything wrong with him. He is okay with difficult child 1 being on her bipolar medications because he has seen her many rages first hand. Although my son is hyper, he does not see any signs of ADHD in him. He is not in school with him. He does not talk to teachers or look at his report card. He has not talked to his doctor, who tested him and rated him severe. He told difficult child 1 that her brother does not have ADHD because he has to have at least one "normal child." difficult child 1 was incredibly insulted by this but of course she didn't say anything to him about it because she is forced to hide her emotions at his place.

    He absolutely is adamant about not having difficult child 2 taking any medications for any reason. I was opposed to it as well until I finally admitted difficult child has been struggling so bad in school the last two years that he is failing. He absolutely cannot pay attention. It's bad. Both last year's teacher and this year's teacher have said so. My son has a very high IQ. He tested in the 95th percentile. He is in a slow moving class right now only because his grades are poor due to his lack of focus. The only subject he gets an A in is math, which he excels at. He really needs the help and there's no denying it.

    I couldn't even tell his dad myself because I knew he would take his anger out on me. I had my mom tell him. She is very tactful and knows how to put things "nicely" as to not offend anyone. There's too much bad blood between the two of us for me to even try to reason with him. Ex told my mom that he does not want him on the medications. My mom explained in detail what his teacher said and the testing that psychiatrist gave him. Ex's response was, "I was the same way when I was a child and I turned out fine." My mom gave ex psychiatrist's phone number and told him to feel free to give him a call if he is that concerned. I know that he will never will. I am not even going to tell him about the asperger's because he is gonna FREAK. How do I get this man to come on board?

    Ex dropped out of high school in the ninth grade because he couldn't handle school! The last thing I want my son to be is another drop out! He could end up being held back without proper help and he is incredibly smart and it would be a shame if that happened. He is going to be with my ex all weekend. I am afraid he is not going to give my son his medications. psychiatrist told me that he absolutely cannot skip a dose. It is not a stimulant and he cannot skip weekends.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hmmm.... not sure of all the ramifications of this but... in my part of the world? Failure to give medically necessary care - including prescribed medications - would be justification for CPS to step in. If X won't give medications, and psychiatrist says he can't skip doses - then you have medical cause for him to not go.

    Can you - or anybody - get X to put in writing that there's no way he'll be giving medications, and won't allow difficult child 2 to even take them himself?
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Yes I can get him through email and save it. I don't know if he's gonna pull something like that or not but my mom put the idea in my head. Hopefully she's wrong.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Secondly - I'm assuming you only send enough medications for the weekend... counted before you send, checked when they get back... medications still there is more evidence, as is difficult child 2's word. Might have to go through one disaster in order to prove anything... (NOT the right answer, but...)

    Did psychiatrist tell you what would happen if X pulls this? And what difficult child 2 should do if he gets symptoms X, Y or Z? (like, somehow calling for medical help?)
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    If your court order allows you to put difficult child on medications without dad's consent, then just do it. You can have the doctor fill out the school medication form and the school can give difficult child his medications each morning (if you have a 5:5:wine:2 or similar rotating schedule it'll probably be safer to have school give him the medication every morning so that he doesn't accidently get a double dose). Stims are usually okay to skip on weekends and if dad wants to handle him unmedicated, that's a parenting difference.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Not giving medications, unless it is life threatening, won't get CPS on your butt here. Dad is allowed to disagree with wife on treatment for child if he has joint custody. I suggest using a stimulant because that way he can just take it on school days. Sometimes it is out and out dangerous to just stop giving a child his medication. If he is on, say, Risperdal, which is commonly prescribed in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids, you can't just stop it. THAT may be something CPS would look into, but, to be honest, CPS is pretty useless. You'd probably have to go to court and even that may not help.

    You do not need to tell ex about Aspergers. Your son can get school accomodations for Aspergers without using the word. Ask them if they'd help you out. Does ex stay in close contact with school? What is his relationship with his kids? He really sounds rather disturbed himself. "I want at least one normal kid????" What kind of thing is THAT to say?
  7. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    MidwestMom, difficult children' dad is pretty much useless. He has never been to one single IEP for difficult child 1 (even though he has been repeatedly invited) and he does not go to back to school nights or open house. The kids absolutely hate going over there. Both ex and stepmonster trash talk me in front of them. They hate that. They are never allowed to even mention my NAME when they are over there or else they will get yelled and screamed at. They cannot express their emotions over there. As for stimulants, I am very reluctant to try them with him. difficult child 1 had a severely psychotic episode with her very first pill. It was a night mare. I do not want to go through the same with difficult child 2. I know he is a different kid but still I am scared of stimulants, and he already rages at the slightest provocation. I will research his current medication and find out what would happen if he were to skip a few doses. My guess is it will mess with him if he just stops the medication completely. I know when my psychiatrist discontinues one of my medications he has to titrate down so I don't get really bad side effects like I would if I were to just stop taking them.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    MWM - Here, if the "other" spouse has not been involved in the medical process, and has not contested medical treatment to the doctor (and would have reasonable access to do so)... and then does not follow the medical plan, AND the kid has serious side effects as a result... THEN the whole system steps in, and he'd lose all rights to unsupervised access. Fast. Trying to prevent it ahead of time is harder... (innocent until proven guilty)

    Any chance that difficult child 2 would remember to take the medications himself? Can he just have them in his suitcase and do his own dosing? Maybe with alarms set on a cell phone or something? I don't know - just thinking out loud here.
  9. lonelyroad

    lonelyroad New Member

    Sigh, my husband is not on board with anything and it just adds to the stress...and we are still married...altho sometimes.....good luck some men are just plain stupid, then there are the ones who would do anything to help their child..I wish I had one of those...
  10. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I just read up on Intuniv and it says that you cannot skip doses otherwise it can cause an increase in heart rate and blood pressure. I will definitely be telling his dad about this. I know that when I tell him he will not withhold the medicine from him. He is just as concerned about his physical health as I am (although very unconcerned in other areas.) I also read up on the side effects and it kinda scared me. It can cause fainting, low heart rate, and low blood pressure. I don't know if it's just my anxiety in overdrive or my concerns are legit. I really pray that difficult child 2 responds well to the medication. I hate to read about side effects because I panic at every one.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Side effects lists are... lists. There are side-effects that are not listed, because they are below "statistical relevance" - but that doesn't matter if YOU end up with that side effect... Know what I mean??

    I've always looked at it more as "watch out for" just-in-case lists.

    One of my difficult children is on a whole cocktail of medications - all coordinated by one psychiatrist, who we trust. The side-effect lists for just ONE of those is 4 pages. psychiatrist goes through with a high-lighter and says... these are what to watch for, the rest is just "irritating", let me know if you don't like how you feel and I'll tell you if its the medication and what we can do about it.

    It's not an easy process to learn to trust the medications... but when you have the right dosages of the right combo of medications, it's worth it.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I see. This makes sense to me.

    Unfortunately at times, our government is very reluctant to get involved with our kids. There is no system that will step in on the kid's behalf if the issue is a squabble over medication. If the father has joint custody, he gets an equal say (legally) whether or not he is involved in his kid's life or useless, like this father seems to be. It's really a pain and usually you have to go to court. That costs $$$. I personally think Canada has a better system, but it is not ours. CPS can not really do anything much to any parent unless the child is bruised from head to toe. I work at a preschool and we all had to sit in on a meeting with CPS representatives and this is what they told us. They can suggest things to parents, but unless there is obvious PHYSICAL harm to the child, they really can't force parents to do anything. Even verbal abuse is not something they can do anything's frustrating sometimes, especially in situations where there is one caring parent and an ex who doesn't care but wants to cause this idiot father.
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    My son is on an extremely HIGH dose of this class of medication. I have too been warned if he goes off of it he could have another stroke, and believe me, this child does not need more brain damage.

    So when he was in the hospital THEY didn't notice the patches came off! They are changed weekly so he was sent home before a change and that meant it was not till day THREE and he was sweating and having huge rages and I was in a panic when I do you restart etc???

    STILL, thru all that, nothing happened. Thank heaven. but in general, his BiPolar (BP) has not even been low. These drugs have been used for a LONG time to treat blood pressure. That is why they have that side effect and especially at first you will want to be cautious but even little kids are given these medications. (not saying dont care but really dont need to panic as long as you monitor). You can buy a home BiPolar (BP) cuff too and that will help ease your mind.

    BUT for your ex, if you think he might just not give it, go ahead and tell him he could cause him a stroke if he stops it. That there is no danger of that if he takes it fine, but that he can. IF that does not bite you back, since he may then say it is too dangerous to even consider then.

    In terms of the wide range of medications, this one for US (not saying for anyone else) has the least side effects (none actually, unless not stopped correctly) and it has the MOST benefit.
  14. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    If he is on intuniv? He really really should not miss a dose. If the kids do not want to go, is it time to give them the choice of going or not? They look to be the age that the courts would take that into consideration. My kiddos are older, difficult child is 14 and easy child is 15. I would not make them visit their dad, at the same time, I will not stop them as long as it is safe. Safety is a big concern for our situation.