L
Liahona
Guest
Just make sure all the ugliness comes from him to you in a documented way. Then it can all be used against him. And even if he really deserves it don't be ugly back.
Kids' dad is putting ideas in their heads and it makes me nervous.
- Thread starter Californiablonde
- Start date
Good. Let him take you to court. I found a site with some great help and info. CA does not have an age where a judge must allow a child to choose, but law says a child's wishes must be taken into account. That is until 1/2012. THEN the law changed to a judge MUST allow any child 14 or older to directly address the court and if the judge refuses the reasons MUST be put on the record. That means a judicial review can overturn his decision on appeal. Which gives YOU power.
Here is the page: http://www.cadivorce.com/california...on/what-age-does-a-child-decide-which-parent/
This page has 32 tips to help with the custody case - including be sure to demonstrate that you are willing to be flexible and to encourage his relationship with the kids. You also are going to need statements from teachers, past and present, to say that they have never spoken to him or seen him at a conference or IEP meeting. Does not matter if teachers WANT to testify because your atty can subpoena them or take a statement/deposition from them.
Here is the page: http://www.cadivorce.com/california...ps-for-your-child-custody-case-in-california/
Don't use the atty you had before. Get a new one. Also get a PhD psychologist and/or a psychiatrist to evaluate the kdis and testify. The higher the degree the professional has, the better witness they make.
Be SURE to include a request that ex cover your atty fees - he is the one fighting this as you fight for not your rights but your children's rights. If at all possible, invest in a mini audio recorder or wire of some type to record the ways ex belittles the kids and terrorizes them.. i am NOT joking. You can find them on ebay for not terribly much $$. As long as difficult child knows about it, it is legal as she is a party to the conversations. Do this BEFORE you ask yoru atty about it. HEck, why not make it difficult child's idea? Ask her if she could prove what he says to her if she would want to? Then provide the equipment and I am sure seh si smart enough to run wth it. She just MUST know to not ever tell dad or stepmom about it. Not EVER.
Be sure to document EVERY interaction with ex. Keep a notebook but don't tell the kids about it. When and who picks them up or is at his house when they are dropped off. When and who gets them home. Get the driving records of anyone you allow to drive them. Pay for a service online to check husband and his wife's driving records plus those of anyone they allow to drive your child. I am serious. Those services are not terribly expensive, esp not when weighed against $450 per month and half of the daycare costs. FYI, most states require each parent to pay for half of extracurrculars and equipment for them also. Has he EVER shown up to a ball game, recital or whtever the kids are interested in? To both kids' events equally?
Get his statements about refusing to take the kids because he has a new wife entered into the record. Those are HUGE.
NO WAY should you have had to stay home that sick. it should not even have been a question in your mind that he would taek care of his own chldren when you were that ill. If you WERE manic, it was because the kidney infection had prevented your body from using and absorbing your medications. So instead of denying the manic accusation, it should have been an accusation that he refused to care for his kids even when their mother had a LIFE THREATENING illness.
Most courts are loathe to move kids from their home and school at any point, but esp as teens when getting into the wrong peer group is a huge factor in drug use and other problems, esp if the kids are afraid of the parent wanting them to move. NEVER have a conversation wtih ex that you are not recording. NEVER AGAIN. Save ALL recordngs.
CA law says that you probably need consent of all parties to record phone calls or conversations. So get a machine that allows you to play a recorded message before you answer - have it say that all calls are subject to recording and that speaking on the phone or leaving a message constitutes permission. This notifies the other party that you are recording and fi they choose to speak then they give consent. Many businesses use this and you can tell iex that you are doing this because you have had some prank calls. Then just let it ride.
He has already said he is doing this to save $$ NOT out of concern or care for his kids. So get an atty who is a shark and make him hurt - by winning AND keeping the support case active. I know here a hardship case is never accepted if the hardship claimer has a spouse who isn't working by choice and not because some disability or to take care of a family member with a disability. it is seen as the parent CHOOSING to have a nonworking spouse and 1 income family and CHOOSING any financial hardships rather than having true hardship. it isn't hardship if it is a choice.
With your ex, all you need to do is challenge him to upset him, so getting texts/recordings/evidence of why he is doing this is not going to be that hard. Be esp careful with documentation. Be SURE he doesn't know, and the kds don't know that you are documenting everything. Your records could be subpoenad if iex knows they exist (idiot ex). Secrecy is everything.
Start asking all your friends/coworkers who came out best in their divorces and custody hearings. Get the name of the attys who won - either theirs or their ex's. Also contact a DV center and ask who they recommend. often they know the BEST attys. Get the kids seen at the DV center for emotional and verbal abuse from their dad. those records will be priceless in court. Plus if you take any help that is offered, it shows you want the best for them and to be the best parent you can be.
List people who have seen iex and his treatment of the kids, or who have NOT seen him at the dr, the school, etc... esp at times the kids had troubles. Have your atty get statements from them or subpoena them to testify to this.
Your iex sure sounds like he doesn't have a lot of real friends. Go meet some of his coworkers at wherever they hang out after work. Shouldn't be that hard to find out where they hang out. Go there when he isn't there and listen if they talk about him. Make friends with them. Get them to testify about what he says about the kids and why he wants custody. Often a coworker who doesn't like your ex can be a great friend in court.
Here is the page: http://www.cadivorce.com/california...on/what-age-does-a-child-decide-which-parent/
This page has 32 tips to help with the custody case - including be sure to demonstrate that you are willing to be flexible and to encourage his relationship with the kids. You also are going to need statements from teachers, past and present, to say that they have never spoken to him or seen him at a conference or IEP meeting. Does not matter if teachers WANT to testify because your atty can subpoena them or take a statement/deposition from them.
Here is the page: http://www.cadivorce.com/california...ps-for-your-child-custody-case-in-california/
Don't use the atty you had before. Get a new one. Also get a PhD psychologist and/or a psychiatrist to evaluate the kdis and testify. The higher the degree the professional has, the better witness they make.
Be SURE to include a request that ex cover your atty fees - he is the one fighting this as you fight for not your rights but your children's rights. If at all possible, invest in a mini audio recorder or wire of some type to record the ways ex belittles the kids and terrorizes them.. i am NOT joking. You can find them on ebay for not terribly much $$. As long as difficult child knows about it, it is legal as she is a party to the conversations. Do this BEFORE you ask yoru atty about it. HEck, why not make it difficult child's idea? Ask her if she could prove what he says to her if she would want to? Then provide the equipment and I am sure seh si smart enough to run wth it. She just MUST know to not ever tell dad or stepmom about it. Not EVER.
Be sure to document EVERY interaction with ex. Keep a notebook but don't tell the kids about it. When and who picks them up or is at his house when they are dropped off. When and who gets them home. Get the driving records of anyone you allow to drive them. Pay for a service online to check husband and his wife's driving records plus those of anyone they allow to drive your child. I am serious. Those services are not terribly expensive, esp not when weighed against $450 per month and half of the daycare costs. FYI, most states require each parent to pay for half of extracurrculars and equipment for them also. Has he EVER shown up to a ball game, recital or whtever the kids are interested in? To both kids' events equally?
Get his statements about refusing to take the kids because he has a new wife entered into the record. Those are HUGE.
NO WAY should you have had to stay home that sick. it should not even have been a question in your mind that he would taek care of his own chldren when you were that ill. If you WERE manic, it was because the kidney infection had prevented your body from using and absorbing your medications. So instead of denying the manic accusation, it should have been an accusation that he refused to care for his kids even when their mother had a LIFE THREATENING illness.
Most courts are loathe to move kids from their home and school at any point, but esp as teens when getting into the wrong peer group is a huge factor in drug use and other problems, esp if the kids are afraid of the parent wanting them to move. NEVER have a conversation wtih ex that you are not recording. NEVER AGAIN. Save ALL recordngs.
CA law says that you probably need consent of all parties to record phone calls or conversations. So get a machine that allows you to play a recorded message before you answer - have it say that all calls are subject to recording and that speaking on the phone or leaving a message constitutes permission. This notifies the other party that you are recording and fi they choose to speak then they give consent. Many businesses use this and you can tell iex that you are doing this because you have had some prank calls. Then just let it ride.
He has already said he is doing this to save $$ NOT out of concern or care for his kids. So get an atty who is a shark and make him hurt - by winning AND keeping the support case active. I know here a hardship case is never accepted if the hardship claimer has a spouse who isn't working by choice and not because some disability or to take care of a family member with a disability. it is seen as the parent CHOOSING to have a nonworking spouse and 1 income family and CHOOSING any financial hardships rather than having true hardship. it isn't hardship if it is a choice.
With your ex, all you need to do is challenge him to upset him, so getting texts/recordings/evidence of why he is doing this is not going to be that hard. Be esp careful with documentation. Be SURE he doesn't know, and the kds don't know that you are documenting everything. Your records could be subpoenad if iex knows they exist (idiot ex). Secrecy is everything.
Start asking all your friends/coworkers who came out best in their divorces and custody hearings. Get the name of the attys who won - either theirs or their ex's. Also contact a DV center and ask who they recommend. often they know the BEST attys. Get the kids seen at the DV center for emotional and verbal abuse from their dad. those records will be priceless in court. Plus if you take any help that is offered, it shows you want the best for them and to be the best parent you can be.
List people who have seen iex and his treatment of the kids, or who have NOT seen him at the dr, the school, etc... esp at times the kids had troubles. Have your atty get statements from them or subpoena them to testify to this.
Your iex sure sounds like he doesn't have a lot of real friends. Go meet some of his coworkers at wherever they hang out after work. Shouldn't be that hard to find out where they hang out. Go there when he isn't there and listen if they talk about him. Make friends with them. Get them to testify about what he says about the kids and why he wants custody. Often a coworker who doesn't like your ex can be a great friend in court.
Californiablonde
Well-Known Member
Susiestar, you rock! Thank you for all of the valuable info. I hope it doesn't come down to this but just in case it does I know where to start. Him and I finally agreed on a settlement for child support and he went to sign the documents on Saturday. I am to go on Thursday to sign the same documents and hopefully this will be the end of it for awhile. I do not know if he plans on contacting an attorney in the summer to take custody by next year. That is what he told me on the phone, but I don't know if he's changed his mind or not. When I reminded him that the judge will take what the kids say into consideration, he called me out on it and said that our youngest probably won't be considered. He had temporary custody of youngest difficult child last year when I was ill but it was for only six months and I took him back when I was well. He did not want to give him back to me but I insisted after hearing about the poor treatment he received when he was there. Hopefully that will count for something, too, even if he may be too young to decide where he wants to live for himself. His dad is playing the father/son card and saying he needs a "positive male influence" in his life. What a joke! He did absolutely nothing with him when he was there! No sports, swimming, nothing! So now I think he has this idea in his head of taking my son so he won't have to pay child support anymore, and he won't have the stress of having both difficult children. So hopefully it's all scare tactics but I am prepared to fight if I need to.
