kids hate each other :/ physical fighting

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by myfirstandlast, Oct 11, 2010.

  1. I don't see any of my friends talking about this happening with their kids, figured I'd try here.

    My son (15) and daughter (12) have gotten into "fights" before but I guess today it went over the line. Before I got home from work, they were home alone for about an hour after school. He was doing something, she got in his way, he pushed, she pushed back, clawed, hit, they ended up making a huge food mess in the kitchen and claiming the other was to blame. They both had some marks on them, no blood, but I can't stand physical fighting. I have to figure not getting along, name-calling, etc. is normal but I don't want them to EVER hit each other. I'm out of ideas. Can't afford to have someone come and supervise them, too rural for one of them to go somewhere else after school until I get home.

    Sometimes they get along, but less and less often. When they fight, they are just NASTY to each other. I don't know what to do.

    (It was also a physical fight between daughter-17 [then 16] and DS that led to her moving out last year. They were both at fault. There was a lot of other stuff going on, but that was my breaking point. I can't move either of these kids out.)
     
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi

    i'm sorry to hear that. kids physically fighting drives me insane. it's so ridiculous. what do you do after the argument or fight is over? what punishments if any do you dish out??
     
  3. I can't even think straight. They were already grounded from games, phone, etc. for a week for grades. Haven't had a problem like this in a long time. Sat them both down and talked to them but daughter kept blowing up. I guess she had a bad day at school, plus her braces are hurting her, so she was pre-grouchy before the incident. (Not making excuses, just a little background.) Didn't like hearing how SHE could have avoided this whole thing by waiting until DS was done in the kitchen. How just a little *respect* for each other could have saved us all the trouble. They were basically fighting over being in the exact same spot at the same time, and he was there first. If she waited 5 minutes none of this would have happened ... she blew up and stormed off saying that we *always* blame her for everything he does, and he just sat there and said that we need to put her in a mental institution. Both overly dramatic and short fused. Things had been relatively quiet for a while, they bicker a lot, but nothing like this.
     
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Are they home alone every day for about an hour or so after school?

    You may want to make a time chart for them. They each get access to the kitchen for 15 minutes at seperate times after school. Change days so they take turns as to who gets kitchen privilege first.

    Assign different parts of the house at different times (though alone time in their bedrooms for that hour after school to unwind, do homework, read, would be best).

    My kids got into a physical fight at ages 8 and 14 on our way home from vacation. I was driving so pulled over at a small town - went to a parking lot and threw all their stuff out of the van. "Don't leave us here!!!" "You put your things in the way back, you put your stuff in the middle." Of course I had no intention of leaving them anywhere but this certainly got their attention. They knew I was mad if they even thought I would leave them. It was a dramatic time out.

    Do either of them have hobbies that they can work on at that time? Tell them that it is their "alone" time, they are to be invisible to each other and the best way to do this is to stay in their rooms until you come home.
     
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I used to fight with my brother and sister all the time. Knock down, drag out fights! These days I don't know what I would do with out them!!!!!
     
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wish I had advice, my daughters did this when they were teens as well. One day they actually called 911 on each other and I had to leave work to deal with it. No charges were filed, but the police gave each of them a warning. Honestly I never did figure an effective way to deal withh it, it just sort of ran its course :(
     
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    in my opinion, it depends if one of them is bigger than the other, stronger, more violent. I have been attacked by Onyxx, so I have a slightly different outlook. I also had to take away a shoe from her last week, when she was hitting Jett with it - in the head - repeatedly. He was trying to stuff a sock in her face. Told them both I'd had enough. Not the first time, either, but usually it's Jett who ends up hurt (although so far, always minor - not so, me).

    A police warning wouldn't hurt. Your kids are the same age mine are. Do you have someone you can call to show up in uniform and give them separate talks?
     
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hey there--

    My kids CANNOT be left alone together....EVER. My daughter is mean-spirited and my son is a skinny little thing...if they ever truly went at it - she'd kill him (and I don't mean that as a euphemism!).

    That being the case....my husband and I make arrangements each and every time. Usually we arrange for my daughter to go to a friend or neighbor's house. My son can stay home by himself.

    Does either of your children have a friend on the bus that they could ride to their house and you pick them up on your way home? Yes, it's a pain - but how dangerous is their fighting?
     
  9. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    You said none of your friends have this kind of problem. They just don't need to post here. Once, while at work, I got a call from the police. He said both had marks on them and he wanted to know if I wanted him to arrest the both of them. I thought it was interesting that he let me choose. I requested that they not be arrested. But, when I got home the house was torn apart. Like DaizyFace we could not leave them a lone together for about two years. They are better now, and can be left alone, we don't do it often. I hate having to stay home to baby set my 15 and 17 year old. We have had some luck with after school sports. difficult child gets home tired and only has time for homework and sleep. Get them on a team if you can.
     
  10. It's not constant. Pretty sporadic really. Today they were talking about Greek mythology, Disney's Hercules and the Percy Jackson books vs. movie for quite a while and getting along just fine.

    Have a 17 y.o. cousin who lives nearby but wasn't going to be home after school for daughter to go stay with until I got home. Ended up leaving work early today anyway so they weren't home alone, but with us both working there is going to be a regular 1.5-2 hour window daily where they are home alone.

    The worst physical fight to happen was between DS and my stepdaughter who no longer lives with us. 911 was called for that. It was last July. Things were very quiet for a long time after. daughter-12 is usually more tolerant of his annoying behavior, sounds like she had a bad day and they both made bad decisions.

    I told them all I *had* to give them was food, clothing and shelter, and all that stuff in their rooms -- iPods, toys, games -- that could be reduced to a mattress on the floor if the *physical* fighting did not stop. Hope that made my point.
     
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hope you made your point too. If they are normally pretty typically good kids, it may have sunk in.

    I will tell you that all during my boys growing up years we would have sworn they were going to kill each other or hate each other as adults. I would have predicted that as soon as that 18th birthday hit that each of them would have packed their bags, hit the door and never spoken to each other again. Or us. Oh how different time makes.

    My kids are closer than 3 peas in a pod. They dont always get along or agree with everything each other does but blood sure is thicker than water. They adore each other and would go to the ends of the earth for each other. I love to sit back and watch my hellions actually light up when they see each other now. I got my Kodak moments...just years later than I thought I would.
     
  12. So, what did your parents do? Did they know about it or find out?

    I have older siblings, but they moved out while I was still quite young. Hubby has a younger sister, and they "fought" but not physically, and it drives him nuts. He's the one who asks them why they hate each other so much. I don't think they really hate each other or they wouldn't get along most of the time ... they just KNOW how to get on each others' nerves and do it well! Once in a while, one goes overboard, or the other overreacts, and BOOM.
     
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