Kind of Personal..

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by ChefPaula1965, Apr 8, 2008.

  1. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    What would you do if... you had a feeling your husband was looking at pronography online..
    the reason I say this is that every time I go online at home... all the web sites that I have "keep me signed in" or even remember me.. do not remember me..
    I have gone to see what is up with the cookies... and they have been being cleaned up everyday..........
    husband has been quite the difficult child lately...
    What should I do?
    ignore it? confront him?
    AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
    PS he has not touched me in well over 9 months...........
    sorry if this post offends you .. I am just at witts end with it..
    thanks paula
     
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Install a program to monitor keystrokes and history, like net nanny. Sorry you're going through this.
     
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I've adopted a don't ask/don't ask policy.

    Just yuck.
     
  4. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Think it depends on if you want to take any action. Does his viewing porn offend you and is it something you can not live with? If he says yes and he's not going to stop will you leave or just put up with it? Is it adult or kiddy? That would make a big difference to me......Do you want him to "touch" you? Are you approachable? I really don't want the answers to these questions, but you may want to think thru what your answers would be before you confront him........
     
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    There are red flags here.
    I think you should very seriously consider finding out what is going on.
    You might want to intall a spyware program...especially if you have reason to believe he will be less than candid with you.
    If you do not know how to do this, you would need to get a friend "in the know" to help you. And I would keep super duper quiet about it.
    You also could go to marriage counseling to see if he might open up with the help of a trained professional to work through any problems.
    If he is honestly willing to do this, I would be as caring and kind as possible...just as long as he is willing to go to the counseling regularly and make changes as per agreed upon.
    Do you have your own therapist to get help with reference to this?
    You don't know what can of worms might be opening up here.
    Generally speaking, I would want to know what is going on.
    Not having relations for such a long period of time alone would cause me to be very concerned.
    Other than serious health problems, this does not seem appropriate and in my humble opinion, should be addressed.
    I am sorry that you have this difficult issue on your mind and I hope you are able to address it soon. Only after it is addressed will there be hope of its resolution.
     
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Personally, if my husband wants to look at naked women I could care less. I don't take it personally. I don't think I've ever met a man yet who doesn't like to look from time to time. Nature of the beast in my opinion. Males are visual.

    But if it bothers you, you could ask him why? Of course since you have no real evidence he could also just deny it and it could make things worse.

    easy child and Nichole both have major issues with the men in their lives viewing any sort of porn. They didn't get this from me. From what I've seen with them, their reactions only seem to make the "problems" worse. It doesn't stop the behavior. The guys just feel the need to sneak. Which to me is worse.

    I guess to me the reason why would probably be the big issue, more than that he is doing it. Does he know it upsets you?

    Hugs
     
  7. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    My late husband was into "leather", I wasn't (I am Sensory Integration Disorder (SID)). He enjoyed looking at the sort of pictures and reading the sort of stories you might imagine.

    Since he didn't expect me to take part in his fantasies (and that was all they were), I had no problem at all with his magazines and in later years with his visiting web sites that fulfilled those fantasies.

    BUT...he NEVER hid that side of him from me. I've always believed (this is part of my religion, please don't whack me) in "and you harm NO ONE, do what you will"
     
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Ok, going to play the devil's advocate here. How long has this been going on? (the cookies being deleted) Just that part makes me wonder if there's a possibility he's looking stuff up for a gift for you. Could be a long shot, yes, but just throwing it out there.

    However, combined with the rest (9 months), I would think the same thing as you. I would find out for sure and then talk to him about it. If this is what he's doing, find out his reasons. For me personally, if it was something along the lines of what GN's hubby did, I probably wouldn't have a problem with it. But if it is a daily thing and that is where he goes for all of his "fun", then yes, I would definately have a problem with it. You're just going to have to find out for sure, talk and then decide what is acceptable to you and what isn't.

    Sending hugs and positive thoughts.
     
  9. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    There is a fine line there. If you are concerned, you should confront. You can do it in a lighthearted, teasing way. If you start spying on him, you can create more problems in you marriage than you really want to deal with. Even if he is looking, you have children in your house and he should delete the browser history if the kids have access to the computer, even just once.
     
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It sounds as though there is a lot going on that is not being discussed by the two of you. Have you talked about counseling? If he won't go with you, I'd go without him. It feels like a decision that you need to come to on your own. Maybe a therapist can help you be comfortable with what you want to do.
     
  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Sent you a PM...
     
  12. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    All of you are so kind with all of your answers.... and willingness to help...
    let's just set a few little things straight..
    **husband would NOT be looking for a present for me.... I have only gotten flowers 3 times since I have known him... nothing mother's day, nothing valentines day, usually nothing on christmass (he contends that anything he buys me would take away from the kids and that it is selfish of me to think he should get me something)..... aniversaries, a kiss and maybe, if I am lucky a card.... HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN TRULY UNROMANTIC ..
    ** I do think that if he is looking at porn, that he erase it because the kids do have access to the computer...
    ** He has not touched me... when I ask he just says "why bother"... I am a 42 year old woman and have been pushed aside by my husband..
    **husband will NOT go to counseling ... he thinks very poorly of "psycho-babble" ...
    **he would not be aproachable about the porn thing ... sadly enough.. you are right in saying that we have communication issues....

    He recently told me that we have nothing in common and that, in 10 years when the kids are gone, we should go our own ways...
    You are correct I do need to go to counseling... I just need to be able to open up... I love husband very much... but one of the main reasons I married him is that he cherrished me.... that is all gone now... I am taken for granted... basically, the way I read what he said.. is : "we will raise the kids together... but there is nothing else in it for us"...
    This is why I am concerned about the pornography.... If he is looking at all those beautiful women having "wonderful relations"... then looks at plain ole me... 42 year old 5'3" and 145 lb.. gray hair.. no wonder I don't do anything for him!!
    Sorry to ramble on... but I hope this helps.. of all you answers, one of the main things I have gleaned is that I need counseling at least for me.......
    I am just so sad......... between my husband being this way and my 17 yo being AWOL from the military.......... I must be a WARRIOR mom if nothing else..........
    Hugs Paula
     
  13. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Oh, wait, hold on here! This is no way for a 42 year old dynamic, intelligent, articulate woman to be feeling about herself! Get to counseling so that you can see what we see on the board.

    You're a warrior mom! But more important than that: you're settling for less than you deserve!

    "Why bother?!!!" I'd like to take every ounce of aggression in my body to let him know "why bother!". Stay for the kids? Why? So that they can see a man disassociate from a caring, loving human being?!!

    You have got to be kidding me! Can we all say "Mr. Mid-life" together?

    My husband pulled this a little over a year ago. I put up with it for exactly 7 months and then told him to go and live his life somewhere else. Once I truly experienced the total apathy that he was showing, I didn't care if he came or went.

    It's been a while, and our marriage is a constant work in progress, but to tell you the truth, I was the one who had to say "enough". Why would he leave if he's got someone raising the kids, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and he doesn't even have to buy a card? OMG, I just want to smack him!

    Um, er, can anyone say "PMS?"

    Sorry if I seem so pushy, but I think you're a pretty neat person Paula, and it drives me nuts when I hear this type of thing!

    Go to therapy and understand that you're way too good to put up with this!!!

    Beth
     
  14. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Beth, thank you so much!!
    This is exactly how I feel.....
    I need romance in my life... I need love in my life..
    And sometimes (maybe most of the time) I feel like I am settling ...
    excuses such as: well, he brings home his whole paycheck... he doesnt go out drinking... he helps some aroung the house.. (this is becoming less and less) ... are a way of life for me!
    Last week I did ask him to leave... find a hotel some where and try a separation so he can see just what he does have... once again, I got the guilt trip about asking him to leave and "giving the kids a single parent home that they don't deserve".. and the this is my house and I won't leave... you leave... leave the kids here.. you can't take them from me..
    My heart is so bronken.. these babies love their dady so much...
    it has gotten to the point that when I make a family meal , at least 4 times a weeki.. I have to remind time, and now the kids that it is polite to thank the cook for the good meal.. or at least coment that the meal is good... (IS THIS ASKING TOO MUCH??)
    Thank you for the vote of confidence... you know.. I speak 3 languages completely fluently.. I have a bachelor's degree.... I read to learn more and more... I am not just some "dumb" person and am tired of being made to feel like an "old relic"...
    Thanks.... you all are great!!
    Paula
     
  15. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Sorry you're going through this. I don't know if it's something your husband would do, but there are other things he could be doing online that he doesn't want you to know about other than porn ie. "chatting" with other women. I would want to know what he's trying to keep secret. Myself, I would ask first, see if he would be upfront, and if he says nothing then might do the software to find out myself. You have to be sure with yourself that you truely want to know the answers, and decide what you'll do with the info that you get.

    I have not had the most romantic marriage as well, but I think my husband is just incapable of it, he just doesn't see it. We're not very close anymore at all, I think difficult child's problems and how husband buries his head in his sand just put the seal on that. I did have a therapist once ask me if I did not feel that I deserved to be happy, that being with husband did not make me happy. Perhaps at some point I will leave, but I'm not in a rush 'cause I don't think some other guy would make me happy either, I've come to be happy within myself. I think that's a question you should ask yourself as well. I think you are a wonderful person who deserves to be happy. What I would say is that you should go to a therapist for yourself, as you say he won't go. Decide how YOU want your life to go, and what you need to do to get there. And go see your lawyer and anyone else you should be seeing to make sure you would be fine should a sudden separation happen. Your husband has already told you in 10 years it's over in his opinion, who knows if you or he might decide you don't have to wait that long. Yes, separation is hard on the kids, my parents were divorced. But they also see the tension and separation that is already between you two as well, I know we as kids saw it between our parents. I'm sorry, but in my opinion your husband has already separated from you, but wants to still live with you to maintain all the benefits, like cooking, cleaning, laundry, being with his kids everyday while you do all the work to care for the kids, someone to take care of him without any work on his part.

    See the therapist, right now is probably not the best time to decide heavy stuff like this with Andre missing and that stress in your life. But think about what YOU need out of life, and that's a start for discussions with the doctor.

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
     
  16. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

     
  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Paula,
    First of all {{{{{hugs}}}}} for your hurting heart.
    There is no way in the world that you should have to put up with that kind of treatment from your H. He is showing you great disrespect, but he is also showing your sons that it's okay to treat your wife like that, and your daughter that it's okay to be treated that way by your husband. By putting up with that treatment, you are sending them the same message.

    I agree with others that you need to see a therapist who can help you figure out what you want, and a plan to help you get there.

    My ex-H treated me the same way that your H is treating you now, so I do understand.

    You do need to show your H that you will not put up with being treated that way. The principle of Do to Get seems to apply here. If you're taking care of your H's needs (cooking, cleaning, laundry or whatever), then stop. You and the children take care of each other, but let him fend for himself.

    Don't let H guilt you into thinking that your children will suffer from having parents who are no longer together, more than they will suffer from living in a home with two parents who are miserable, and a father who is not treating their mother properly. The damage from that can be lifelong.

    I am so sorry that you're having to go through this.

    Trinity
     
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    CP,

    "42, years old, 5'2 145 lbs, grey and old huh?" Is that the way you feel about yourself? I can tell you things I see differently just in your writing, but would you believe them for just the moment or would you believe them all day long and start to change the things about yourself that you don't like?

    Honey - you have a lot of self confidence. You have absolutely no self esteem. Your husband and his unkind comments aside -At this point if I told you he didn't deserve you, you would go into telling me how it used to be. Yesterday is gone. And somewhere in there - you got gone too.

    You aren't being over-emotional either. You are a young woman who has a tremendous amount to offer. Unfortuantely you are stuck in a rutt. So you stayed together for 10 years - Cripes someone should give you a purple heart for putting up with a man who thinks treating his wife with love and kindness is taking away from the children. That is not true. You're supposed to have a husband to share things with. Marriage is two sided. And those sides are yours and his, not MY way or the highway.

    You state that he thinks therapy is babble. Well I'm sure to him it would be. It was to my x too. So, I went alone. I even had to lie about it. he was fine if I was in a bar - but therapy? NO WAY. And what I learned in therapy was that I had worth. I had value, I deserved someone who was going to walk with me through life - not make me walk behind them. Being a wife does not mean being a slave. It does not mean that your husband gets to berate you for the "sake" of the children.

    Your children aren't going to be any happier living in a home with 2 parents that don't communicate. They will mimic that in their own lives, choices for mates and pass it on to their children because it's how they grew up. If you can be fine with that - fine. But I'm telling you that you have so much more to offer yourself, your children the world around you.

    If you don't like being 145 lbs with grey hair - only you can change that. You could join the Healthy living sections and jump in with the weight loss support. Put some pennies back for a hair cut and dye job. Shop at the goodwills and second hand stores and find some inexpensive up to date clothing - and be yourself. If butterflies don't hatch out of their coccoon and fly they die inside their coccoon. You don't have to do that - you have choices. You HAVE support.

    You NEED to know why your marriage took a nosedive, but more important you need to know WHY you put up with it.

    Porn and all the rest arent' what is bothering you. Being lonely is. It would bother anyone. If you were secure in how you felt about yourself - porn would either be something that you could over look, or something that your husband would KNOW isn't tolerated or appreciated.

    He's doing what he's doing for him - not you. Now YOU find a therapist and do what you can do for you!!!! If by some chance he pulls his head out of his hiney? Great - You'll glow with confidence. And if sadly he does not want to change = you'll have the strength to walk away knowing you did what you could to save your relationship.

    I want to tell you something - When I went through counseling during and after my marriage - I was so down and so depressed. My husband was doing drugs, other women, drinking - and shoving it all in my face. he would openly engage in "chat" with women anywhere we went - it was embarrassing and demeaning. And I want to tell you this too - I was beautiful. By the end of a 13 year marriage to him. I still had looks - but I didn't feel beautiful. I felt like the rag doll someone left at the park - no one cared about me - and neither did I! I got into therapy, started an exercise routine, and slimmed back to a svelte model shape. (from 5'8 -135lbs to 5'8 and 119) and I got some new clothes, found some makeup and gave it one last chance to gain my husbands attention. I was feeling good, looking good, and mentally getting better. And he STILL had girlfriends....so all those beauties in the magazines that are air brushed have just as many problems or more than you or I....But that wouldn't sell a magazine. And no one would read it for the article anyway. lol

    So there I was - slim, getting mentally healthy and feeling the best and the worst I ever did in my life - and I left. I took my son and I left never looked back. A few years later I met DF. he's the strong silent type. I thought he was stuck up - he said he was at a loss for words because I was so (everything). And when we finally decided to date, and be exclusive - he said the most supreme compliment anyone has ever given me - and he meant it - and he said "You have the sexiest mind I have ever met in a woman." and he explained that he'd never met someone who was so vibrant, full of life - had it together (although I proved him wrong on that with difficult child many times) lol.

    You can be that too - you can feel that way - it's not hard - you just have to put some work into yourself - and you will find Paula again - maybe now a more Mature Paula that knows what she wants and goes for it!

    You have a number of wonderful qualities - we get to see a few here all the time - Why not prove to yourself that there are so many more hiding inside - and let them out?

    You can dooooo iiiiiiiitttttttt!
    Hugs
    Star (still beautiful, just overweight, but working on that) lol
     
  19. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    :faint:You know what STAR.. you are so right..... I do have confidence... but very little self esteem... I have always been treated as the "ugly duckling" in my family.... I was so crooked from my scoliosis.. and my mother would always tell me to never wear lip stick when I grow up beause my lips are very fat......... As far as my appearance is concerned.. several people have contributed to my sense of "plain jane"..... H is a jerk.......... And he knows that pornography is NOT acceptable to me AT ALL... this hapened a few years ago and we had at it about the porn already... I need him to go.......... I am tired of the way he treats me... Which unfortunately is reflected in the way "the littles" treat me .... around the house I have to "get onto" people including my H for not picking up after themselves... He and the kids act like they don't care about our house/home...
    What makes me really sick to my stomach is that right after my surgery friends from my church wanted to bring me meals.. to help me out.. My husband replied to me : "I don't want those well to do people from your church to come over here and see our "white trash" home!!"
    We live in a NICE older house.. in a NICE quiet family neighborhood... we are by no means rich.. but we in no way live like "white trash"... that was just so offensive to me... I had my friends over anyway.... He is so grumpy... I am so sick of him..... they leave cereal bowls on the cofee table all day.. including him.......... AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH .. I am at my witts end.............
    PS I am in a program right now about weight loss.... have not colored my hair in years because it is too hard to keep up with........
    THanks ladies..
    Paula
     
  20. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    How sad that your husband thinks so little of your relationship and you and your life together. You really need to do things for yourself and make yourself stand above all of this. I'm sorry that he's such a weenie!
     
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