A bloke looking at porn needn't be a slap in the face. You feel that it is, because in your situation it is a small symptom of a huge problem, and it is that problem, and others, that is the slap in the face. The porn and your feelings were the catalyst for it all coming out now.
And I'm also not so sure it's porn he's looking at. If he were merely looking at porn there is no reason for him to have disengaged from you. The average bloke looking at porn - if he loves his wife and is committed to her, most of the time he's mentally transplanting his wife's head onto the model whose photo he's ogling.
For blokes, sex is about physical relief. It's like having a wash, or eating a meal. Love - an entirely different kettle of fish.
We are what we have evolved to be. Males have evolved to spread their genes around, while women have evolved to want a man around to help support the family. Women work for the family unit, men are committed to their children but if they have the energy and opportunity, it's in their nature to stray if it's not putting the family unit at risk. Most times though, it does - and so men who are really committed to their family, who care about them, are far less likely to stray.
If he hasn't touched you in such a long time, then his mind (and sex drive) has gone elsewhere. And the way he puts you down - for me, that confirms it. he's putting you down to justify his cheating and to also assuage his own guilt (what there is of it). If he were merely disinterested due to a low sex drive, he wouldn't need to be so nasty to you about it.
To look just at your original presenting issue - I don't have a problem with a bloke looking at porn. I used to buy the porn magazines for husband when we first married, and read them myself. Mind you, I did learn to see the rubbish in them as well as (at times) darn good articles. The cheaper, trashier mags are likely to have a lot more utter sexist claptrap. And the cheaper and nastier you go, the porn all starts to look the same.
When I worked in a blue-collar male environment, alongside the men, there was porn everywhere. magazines, posters on the walls, 'blue' jokes etc. Even a porn film one lunchtime, which I freely admit I watched with the men. I was one of the boys and as soon as that facade slipped, a barrier grew up which made my job much harder. I didn't particularly enjoy it but I was able to understand and tolerate it. And because of all those mags I'd bought for husband, I could discuss the photos like a connoisseur. It really kept those blokes on their toes around me.
I'm not suggesting you do this, by the way. For me, it was what worked for me in the workplace. The admin finally came round and said all the porn had to go, all the sexist stuff and all, I was very glad. I could stop pretending.
But it did show me what the male attitude to porn really is. And it is primarily physical. That's it.
If we're walking down the road and either husband or I see an attractive girl, we will quietly point her out to each other. husband will also quietly point out an attractive male to me. Neither of us has ever strayed nor are we likely to. Perhaps that security makes this so non-threatening.
Right now in my life, I feel very unattractive. I'm past 50, I'm way overweight, my hair is grey (but I do colour it), I've always been dumpy - short on the leg, long in the body. I have rolls of lard which make any tight-fitting clothing look just plain wrong. I'm also, for health reasons, unable to be - shall we say, adventurous? - in the bedroom. At times, I'm not able to do a thing in that direction. It's very difficult for husband but we talk about it, we've discussed it. Still haven't got any satisfactory management strategies, but the thinking caps are on.
Despite this, I do not see myself as a failure, or in any way deserving of the way you are being treated by your husband and your kids. I am a capable, worthwhile, intelligent person who can often find another way around a challenging problem.
And so are you. Besides, you're younger than me so you probably look a whole lot better!
Your husband should leave, if he can't engage. There are many ways in which a couple can be separated, and right now you and your husband already ARE single parents.
"Staying together for the sake of the kids" is a fallacy. It's just plain wrong. Even when the kids are not witnessing domestic violence, or arguments - they are still witnessing apathy and disrespect. This is a very bad example to be setting. Your husband is setting a bad example to the kids in how he treats you, and YOU are setting a bad example in how you allow yourself to be treated. You would all be better off if you lived apart.
Are you still able to talk with him about things? or has he cut you off at the knees too many times? You need to be able to sit down and discuss what the FAMILY needs. For example, the kids need after-school care. Whether that is in a centre, or at home - it's up to you and your husband to decide. But the quality of care is an important factor. In a centre, the kids aren't just put in a room and left to their own devices. They get afternoon tea. They get structured activities. They often get support with homework.
At home, the children need the same degree of support. They need to be met with an after-school snack. They need support with homework or other requirement. Maybe they need to be ferried to music class or sports games. They need interaction. And while they're happy on their own, then whoever is minding them can get on with preparing dinner or doing the washing.
If you can, draw up an agreement. If this idea of taking a pay cut to save on after school fees is to work, then he has to be involved.
Now, he may say, "I don't want to be involved."
You say, "Honey, that's fine. I'll put them back in after-school care. Now you can pick up those extra hours again." (in other words, "you have just lost your excuse to cut your hours back").
It's possible that he just doesn't accept or realise what you expected of him, what is required of him. Some blokes need it spelled out. Don't give him any wiggle room to be able to say, "I didn't know that was what I was supposed to be doing!"
Give him plenty of rope. he'll either make something constructive out of it, or hang himself.
Now, back to your cookies being missing and the implications - you could try the spying technique, especially if he's not going to be approachable. You could either instal spyware (would you be able to hide it from him, though?) or you could set up a secret nanny-cam aimed at the computer screen. A nanny-cam is unlikely to pick up chat room typing, though.
Do you have a computer-savvy friend who could spy online for you? It really doesn't take much at all, to track someone. Especially if all that person is doing is trying to hide from a partner. If he's surfing the net to pick up women, he will be hiding it from you, but otherwise he will be advertising big and loud. Some way, somehow, these women will have to be able to contact him.
It's amazing what you can find when you simply Google a person's name. Also Google your address, and also phone numbers.
Also obvious - get your hands on his phone and check the text messages. And don't be obvious - do it when he's in the shower, or at 3 am. Now, he MAY be deleting his text messages, but what about his phone directory? It's less likely he'd feel a need to delete stuff on his phone, since the kids aren't likely to stumble onto anything. He probably also won't delete stuff if you NEVER use his phone as a rule.
Whether you do any of this or not - I would be using the time you have alone to get copies of all important documents. The house papers, insurance policies, social security details, car ownership papers, car insurance, bank account details, marriage certificate, children's birth certificates, passports - whatever you can think of. Get copies and keep copies away from your home, somewhere he never goes. Your workplace is good.
There was an episode of Oprah (on Aussie TV a few months ago) which outlines how to PREPARE for the need to separate suddenly. In that case, the woman was in physical danger from her husband and the need to do this was to not only save her life, but to also make it possible for her to STAY away. If you leave in a hurry and find yourself broke, unable to access bank accounts or insurance, unable to look after your children, the temptation is strong to go back. If you ever leave and choose to go back it needs to be choice, not necessity.
At the same time - find out your legal rights. Can you make him leave? Or do you have to leave? What happens to your financial security under either of these options? Is all your money in joint accounts? Do you have separate accounts? Does he have signing rights on your accounts? Make yourself safe. If you want to make yourself safe secretly, then slowly transfer small amounts from your account into another account that he doesn't know about and can't get access to. Use another bank if you must.
You may never need any of that. You probably won't. But having it there, having made the preparations - it makes it easier to make the move when and if you feel you need to. No time need be lost when packing.
If he suddenly shapes up and becomes a model husband, you can always shred the now-unwanted copies of documents.
For now - you are being treated with disrespect. And it's nothing to do with porn. Get yourself to a counsellor, for YOU. Stand up to your kids when they show disrespect, tell them you won't take it any more from them. If their disrespect is due to difficult child-ness, that is different. I will tolerate disrespect if it's due to anxiety or fear, but I expect a difficult child who is being disrespectful mid-rage, to apologise later and resolve it. But if they routinely treat you like dirt, raise the bar higher. You deserve it. And he might get the message. If he doesn't, then by that time you will know what to do.
This can't continue. It's bad for the kids. His belief that you two should stay together until the kids are grown, then separate - sorry buddy, it's better to go now.
There are many reasons why a man would stay married under these conditions - if he can stay married and still happily tomcat around, he's got the best of both worlds. He has a family to come home to, meals on the table, clothes washed - and can also spread it around elsewhere without fear of some woman trying to get her claws into him. He's free, freer than many a single man.
Keep us posted on how you go.
Marg