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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 425252" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>ski10, I think your personal insight is valuable. A big part of the problem here that you couldn't know (I only know because I've been on this site a long time and have followed this history) is that in this case, the kids were originally removed from bio family because they were being badly damaged in every way imaginable. If it had been a different person hurting these kids, there would be court orders in place. For all I know, there may be such orders in place here, too. If not - now might be a time to think about it, Linda.</p><p></p><p>However - getting an idea of how someone might feel in this situation, can help head problems off. It's a good point, ski10, that an adopted child might decide to go off on their own anyway, to try to get the answers they believe are out there. But it is most important, Linda, for you to always be someone kt can feel she can come and talk to. Don't let any doors be shut. If she does do the wrong thing, she needs to know that she can always come to you to talk. And I don't think she is there yet, despite everything you have done. Her recent behaviour with the man in the park shows me this - she came home hysterical with the police on her tail, screaming denials etc. You have done everything you could for these two all the way along, you have been a loving, caring mother and shown them that you are always there to listen. But some hurts run so deep that no words can express them.</p><p></p><p>I agree that this would be a bad idea. Siblings are likely to be equally damaged, unless the authorities got those kids out virtually at birth. In which case - finding them would be an insurmountable task.</p><p></p><p>We have a mob over here which helps adopted kids and bio parents track one another down. It is inexpensive (free, I think) but any contact has to be with mutual consent, and children have to be 18 or over. My sister's adopted kids always said they wanted to trace their natural parents, but when they turned 18 and my sister said to them, "OK, you're old enough now for us to do this, are you ready?" the kids both said they had changed their minds. I was actually sorry about that; I felt, especially with my niece, that she had siblings who would welcome meeting her. With my sister's kids, both had been either neglected or abused in infancy. Their behaviour alone showed this - when they arrived, we could see from the way they reacted, that they had been neglected. My niece would only drink her formula cold, in her cot. You could not hold her to give her a bottle and you could not give it to her warm. It had to be cold from the fridge. She simply had no concept of being held or cuddled. Not autistic; she did learn to enjoy being held, it took a few months of her realising it was pleasant. She was 7 months old when she arrived - after her third bout in hospital with malnutrition. Her decision, when she was 18, to not seek out her bio-family was made with more maturity than she expressed when she was 16.</p><p></p><p>Just yesterday I friended her brother on FB. He has had a difficult life, difficulties mostly of his own making. He ran away from home at 14, was prostituting himself, robbing houses etc to support a bad drug habit. Has spent serious time in jail over the years, had a series of kids with a series of drug-addled partners. And now is clean, going straight and really, really values his family. After not seeing him for decades (but only hearing of him in yet another jail placement) he has attended the last few family weddings (we did invite him to our kids' weddings, he did not reply) and realised that WE are his family. His oldest son is very much in his life. Not sure about his other sons.</p><p></p><p>Both my sister's kids are now in their late 30s/early 40s. They are both now very close to my sister and see her as the only mother they have. i just thought I would share that bit.</p><p></p><p>Linda, you have to protect kt. There are reasons for waiting until the child is 18. Legal reasons. Kt will find doors opening wide when she is 18, that would be slammed shut now, no matter how much money was spent. She hasn't got too long to wait. And in the meantime, while she waits, she can work on her inner strength to handle the unexpected. Because I doubt very much that this will be a happy ever after ending.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 425252, member: 1991"] ski10, I think your personal insight is valuable. A big part of the problem here that you couldn't know (I only know because I've been on this site a long time and have followed this history) is that in this case, the kids were originally removed from bio family because they were being badly damaged in every way imaginable. If it had been a different person hurting these kids, there would be court orders in place. For all I know, there may be such orders in place here, too. If not - now might be a time to think about it, Linda. However - getting an idea of how someone might feel in this situation, can help head problems off. It's a good point, ski10, that an adopted child might decide to go off on their own anyway, to try to get the answers they believe are out there. But it is most important, Linda, for you to always be someone kt can feel she can come and talk to. Don't let any doors be shut. If she does do the wrong thing, she needs to know that she can always come to you to talk. And I don't think she is there yet, despite everything you have done. Her recent behaviour with the man in the park shows me this - she came home hysterical with the police on her tail, screaming denials etc. You have done everything you could for these two all the way along, you have been a loving, caring mother and shown them that you are always there to listen. But some hurts run so deep that no words can express them. I agree that this would be a bad idea. Siblings are likely to be equally damaged, unless the authorities got those kids out virtually at birth. In which case - finding them would be an insurmountable task. We have a mob over here which helps adopted kids and bio parents track one another down. It is inexpensive (free, I think) but any contact has to be with mutual consent, and children have to be 18 or over. My sister's adopted kids always said they wanted to trace their natural parents, but when they turned 18 and my sister said to them, "OK, you're old enough now for us to do this, are you ready?" the kids both said they had changed their minds. I was actually sorry about that; I felt, especially with my niece, that she had siblings who would welcome meeting her. With my sister's kids, both had been either neglected or abused in infancy. Their behaviour alone showed this - when they arrived, we could see from the way they reacted, that they had been neglected. My niece would only drink her formula cold, in her cot. You could not hold her to give her a bottle and you could not give it to her warm. It had to be cold from the fridge. She simply had no concept of being held or cuddled. Not autistic; she did learn to enjoy being held, it took a few months of her realising it was pleasant. She was 7 months old when she arrived - after her third bout in hospital with malnutrition. Her decision, when she was 18, to not seek out her bio-family was made with more maturity than she expressed when she was 16. Just yesterday I friended her brother on FB. He has had a difficult life, difficulties mostly of his own making. He ran away from home at 14, was prostituting himself, robbing houses etc to support a bad drug habit. Has spent serious time in jail over the years, had a series of kids with a series of drug-addled partners. And now is clean, going straight and really, really values his family. After not seeing him for decades (but only hearing of him in yet another jail placement) he has attended the last few family weddings (we did invite him to our kids' weddings, he did not reply) and realised that WE are his family. His oldest son is very much in his life. Not sure about his other sons. Both my sister's kids are now in their late 30s/early 40s. They are both now very close to my sister and see her as the only mother they have. i just thought I would share that bit. Linda, you have to protect kt. There are reasons for waiting until the child is 18. Legal reasons. Kt will find doors opening wide when she is 18, that would be slammed shut now, no matter how much money was spent. She hasn't got too long to wait. And in the meantime, while she waits, she can work on her inner strength to handle the unexpected. Because I doubt very much that this will be a happy ever after ending. Marg [/QUOTE]
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